can I have just one insider trade? I don't need a lot

Imagine Brad Pitt looks in the box and its fuken Hello Fresh

"get a load of that guy" --person buying mannequins

the only way I want to see dueling pianos is if it's to the death

Thriller movie about a guy who builds a time machine and then all he does is go back 30 years to buy a house

Heck yeah I like UFOs U nlimited F rench O nion s oup

the roots of my neighbor's tree has apparently received enough direct sunlight and air for the past several weeks and the county has returned to restore the curb

Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

anytime an app on my phone says "people you may know" it's like nope no I don't

the algorithm really wants me to see that pineapple on pizza is ok I guess? are people still fighting this fight?

Benjamin Button is based on a Mexican film called Backuardo

Disrespectful to my little boy

ME: they named it Blue Cross because they crucified Jesus Smurf INSURANCE AGENT: what

Finally got the motivation to install a car part I've had for a month and one of the nuts is cross threaded. Maybe next weekend..

Another graduate of the Asshat School of Parking.

my dog has a very strong work ethic. he's always leading me back to my desk

I got to ride my bike in the woods today.

Interrupting cow: no one’s taken me seriously since I featured in that knock-knock joke Therapist: and how does that make you f... Interrupting cow: not great doc, not great

I'll be honest: I am straight-up baffled by anyone who is an adult who is "excited" about MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. Is it seriously just "Hey, I remember that!" with you folks? I was there in the '80s. It was a toy commercial for babies. I was saying nostalgia is a cancer in the '90s. I had no idea.

I want to be able to get on a train from Georgia to any other state in the country. Why don’t people run on trains? Doesn’t everybody want trains? Lowkey the best vehicle.

Flour comes from a plant, sugar comes from a plant, and chocolate comes from a plant. So, basically a chocolate chip cookie is a salad. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk

I often worry that I am not petting my dog correctly but he has no way to tell me. Then suddenly he flips over so I can do the other side

"decimated" implies the horror of being kilomated

as a developer I think my peak enjoyment was Pascal and Turbo Vision. everything about that felt so fast on 33MHz 486s.

Now they're doing Over-employment-As-A-Service?

*begging a firefighter to go back into my burning house and rescue my sourdough starter*

was that Melania speech one of Iran’s demands

Depluralize a movie. Dice Hard

Depluralize a movie: Alien (1986)

if he has risen then it should be called yeaster

my neighbor says that he is not a genie yet every time i rub his house he comes outside

got stuck trying to park on the grass at school. in front of the whole car rider line

I am 50 years old with my tubes tied but I’m pregnant today because it’s April 1st haha gotcha

I don't like coffee anymore april fool!!!!!!! I love coffee bitch!! I'm having some right now!!!

Where does a dog have to go to take a whiz around here? Also that Brightline logo looks like an invitation for penis-havers...

Human beings only use 10% of their brains. The other 90% is used by BrainTron™

taking a solo trip to listen to music always sounds better when I'm booking it

do any fellow latchkey kids still make and eat the meals they made themselves after school? mine's a microwaved bowl of white rice, an egg, butter, and soy sauce, and it still fucks

i was working on an excel spreadsheet at work and i accidentally hit numbers lock while typing in some amounts and i didn’t notice right away so it took me to a dark place in excel i don’t think i’m supposed to see

I just bought a used EV, but during the process I had a thought that needs to be put into the universe: Chevy Impala SS EV dual motor. Something like this. Give me a new full-size sedan, GM.

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

I traded in my car of 17 1/2 years. I kept telling myself "It's just a car." Sally, you're so much more.

I went on a decent bike ride today after basically two years off. I immediately remembered how to brush off a near-death experience by giving a driver the middle finger and then compartmentalizing and forgetting it. Came right back to me. Just like riding a bike

Autocorrect duplicating the word I'm typing after the cursor is super fucking annoying

It’s such a pain in the ass to buy a car. Even when I do all the work upfront.

Auto dealer told me there’s no market for the car I drove two hours to see (23 Bolt EV) and that’s why he still had to charge me $1000 fee. No thanks

It is time to start talking about a molten salt pipeline to send Florida heat to the northeast. Fuck this 89F in March shit.

I mean whomst among us does not remember the famous line "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare for an orderly diplomatic process to bring peace to the region."