Alex Jones is truly one of the most evil people alive. He's lucky he lives in an era where the punishment for behavior like his is losing your website and not thumbscrews.

A message to Sickos abandoning All-American Alcohol for the Latest Fad “420 Day”: Just because you CANnabis doesn't mean you SHOULDabis. @theonion.com

We're off to a good start here theonion.info

The First WORLD FENCING LEAGUE is happening April 25th!!! I'M GEEKING!!! Japanese engineers developed this "Sword Tip Visualisation" tracking technology specifically for this event that will make it so much easier for the average person to see what's going on! I MUST WATCH THIS ENTIRE TOURNAMENT

In case anybody started thinking that the Occupation of Minneapolis was over.

I had forgotten how much light there is in the world, till you gave it back to me.

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars. We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director. Please stand by for more.

EXCLUSIVE: @theonion.com tells me they've struck a (long-awaited) deal to take over Infowars. New PTFO on how America's finest (fake) news source trolled Alex Jones, with the blessing of Sandy Hook families — and what @bencollins.bsky.social is planning next — will be up soon 👀

i'm tired of being told to stop doomscrolling. i'm just scrolling, it's not my fault there's doom on there

liberals on this microblogging website

ghoulish

You need a tenant's union. Here is a seminar that will teach you how to organize one. bsky.app/profile/nerd...

So many good ones, but there’s truly only one real answer

there were a lot of guys writing about "man in its natural state is savage" but the whole time they were British writing that. Baby don't put that on the rest of us

can this be a solution?

A lot of people are still in the denial about how much the median Democratic voter, the median Democratic volunteer, and the median Democratic activist has shifted on a variety of issues. Well here's the handpicked candidate of Chuck Schumer being booed, about Gaza, at the Dem convention.

Running Delaware Marathon and losing 1st place because you celebrate too early (volume up 💀)

PWHL save of the year? Kendall Cooper saves a goal for the Frost by swatting the puck out of mid-air

Salute to an all-time tweet

Lol we’re fucked

How the Strokes ended their second Coachella set! #TheStrokes #Coachella

Excited to attend the ribbon-cutting for the next segment of California’s solar canal initiative later this month in Hickman. Imagine generating solar power over 4,000 miles or so canals across the state. A lot of Sierra and Colorado River water to save via avoided evaporation.

Every day I’m more pro Hamas than the last

Wait til these guys find out about cars

Schrödinger’s Strait of Hormuz

MLK had a 63% *unfavorable* rating with Americans in a 1966 Gallup poll. Nelson Mandela was legally considered a terrorist by the U.S. government until 2008 (!!). People saying this shit almost certainly would have hated both and found a way to delegitimize their causes at the time!

The second they said it was a “sophisticated ddos attack” I knew it was a mistake they made because literally nobody cares enough about this place to stage a “sophisticated ddos attack” on it

job

Ultimately Silicon Valley’s fatal flaw is that it has a glut of losers in a loser echo chamber and they have no idea why nobody else thinks their ideas are good and fun

True! Fun fact: They did this because someone leaked Robert Bork’s rental history during his confirmation battle.

still one of my favorite maps

Me to 3yo: What do you want for your birthday party theme? 3yo: “Poopoo & peepee theme! We can get apple juice for the pee, so a skeleton pees and you drink the skeleton pee but it’s okay because it’s juice” Me: ..K I was thinking like “dinosaurs” but let’s put a pin in “piss fountain of the dead”

Exactly one year ago today:

Pilot 1: "Meow, meow" ATC: "You guys, uh, you need to be professional pilots" Pilot 1: "MeowMeowMeowMeow" Pilot 2: "Woof, Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof" Pilot 3 (or ATC): "This is why you still fly an RJ (regional jet)" Pilot: "Meow, meow meow...meow" ATC: "That's a pretty big Ritalin dose"

Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol https://theonion.com/increased-work-commitments-causing-man-to-neglect-alcohol/

Minneapolis here: SEND MORE DICKS, I AM ALMOST OUT AND DOWN TO ONE I DON'T WANT TO THROW!

If only there was an opposition party to talk about how many pedophiles the president has put back on the streets

I know this lady husband name not “dick tips”

counter: www.patreon.com/posts/155290...

You get the point. You can do this with anything, and you can either say these numbers are relatively small, and things aren't as bad as they could be, or you could look at the state of things and say this is an absolute fucking failure and we should all be aghast.

In conclusion fuck a chart and fuck you.

yesterday in NYC, jewish voice for peace organized a protest against arms sale to israel. 90 people got detained after a traffic sit in held right in front of chuck schumer's office. as usual, chelsea manning has the coolest perp walk photos. cop's name is "anger" lmfao.

Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World https://theonion.com/carlos-alcaraz-credits-success-to-tennis-being-easiest-game-in-the-world/

I'm not a guy who says bring back the electric chair but look if there was ever a time

WaPo website replaced search with AI and it's going great

just incredible. no notes