call me windows vista the way I shut down unexpectedly

Let your haters be your satyrs at the drunken orgy of success

she anti on my alias til I zfight

I bet you could snort a bee off a flower if you were really sneaky

hey i just got an alert saying your personal info was found on the dork web

they're plowing your ass on farmsky

*inventing Bluetooth* Well, it works about 60% of the time. That’ll probably be good enough forever.

love taking a sip of the hot coffee-flavored air at the top of my coffee cup that tells me my coffee is still too hot to drink

you'd be hard-pressed to make a more compelling argument for the way things are now than that we're all trapped in the fitful dream of someone dying in front of a tv. everything that happens involves someone from tv

none of the gotcha examples of "out-of-control scientific spending" bother me in the slightest. isn't science about finding shit out? "they spent a million dollars of taxpayer money to see if they could make mice sexier" okay, well, what was the answer? I want to know too

turns out implausible deniability works pretty well too

open world rpg where the main character sneezes randomly very rarely. it alerts hostiles if you're stealthing

I got a mite peckish earlier.. i was waving some dust in front of him

You are activating my fight or flight and brother I can't afford a plane ticket

David:

counterspelling my negative mid year review. nice try

"bone advice: do not release the goo" is health and safety advice that can be taken two ways

nothing like browsing tha blue sky and suddenly my threading is tree view. sure. why not

i'm the guy who invented the spike traps that pop out of temple walls. i hate my job. every day my boss says "why haven't we killed any archeologists" and i say "they haven't invented that yet." they pay me in tomb juice. i hate tomb juice. honestly i might just start working on my big boulder idea

Bread is ftw. And Circuses? pog champ

they’re putting something in the water that makes backs weaker and tummies more upset. I never had these problems, ten, twenty years ago

DOCTOR: your grandma has suffered a hip dislocation ME: lol hold on *pulls out phone* “what idiot called it a trendy rap battle venue instea

The Ones Who Quote-Tweet Dunks On Omelas

how DARE you delay HUGO AWARD WINNING BRIAN BUCKLEW OF PRIMO GAMES

bluesky should have asencion levels where you level up and join a new tier of posting with only posters that have ascended to that tier

I sleep for several days and come back to find all of you still posting the whole time. kinda rude ngl

hey, nerd. i got a "regular expression" for you: up yours

i love turning guys into gems. it’s probably like an evil thing to do, if you really think about it. but i’m putting your stupid ass in the gem anyways dude

caves of qud

caves of qud

the goops my wife smears on her face at night are so special to her. the goops are a very important part of her life

he’s called darth sidious because he’s INsidious. he’s called darth vader he’s an INvader. he’s called darth yourmom because i’m

critics are raving critics are slavering critics are howling incoherently critics are forming mobs in the street and attacking any sound they hear critics are pouring in the shattered window of your reclusive hideout in their teeming hundreds

🎶 IF YOU LIKE EATING BUGS AT MIDNIGHT

me, crawling into the ER, bleeding profusely and gasping for air: help ER nurse, not looking up, tapping the QR code on the side of a gurney: have you downloaded the app

Dang. The gruff but ultimately kindly old swordsman who agreed to train me only after learning of my true parentage was killed during the very quest on which he was reluctant to bring me. At least I got his sick old sword

started taking beta blockers. so I don’t have to read your posts

(snail gravemind voice) I... I am monument to all your snins....

why are there so many things

whenever a rando starts trash talking my milk builds i check their barnyard’s wiki and the notable cows section is entirely blank lmao

Every UK petition is like this

reading telegrams from the front but pronouncing “stop” like I’m flirting

gen Z fascists be like "manufacturing consent is too hard, can't someone deliver it to my house"

are we due for our yearly pentagon has found aliens news story yet