If a hero showed up and vanquished our world's evil, half the planet would call them a villain

A lot of couples are spicing up their marriage by dipping their toes in the wrong side of history

Yes, this administration is dangerous and cruel, but they are also shockingly dim and incompetent. Opportunities are everywhere. Make everything as hard as possible. Resist every demand. Refuse entry without a warrant. Don’t take the buyout. Their problem solving skills are 📉

I’m out of stupid today. Can’t inspire you. So if you’re thinking of giving up, just go ahead and do it.

It's just strange to know our parents are the only generation that actively wants their children's lives to be worse than theirs. The "MEMEME" generation to their core.

Ever forget you pay a streaming service with your debit card and get really surprised every month when you get notified that you just made a 14,90 purchase ?

I hope you smell nice. 😊🤞🦋

I'm looking for a man in finance (has egg money)

Flirt like a straight man, go!

Zach Morris is still so hot

Hey I don’t know who needs to hear this but don’t forget to take your antidepressants

Do you ever wake up and think damn wouldn’t it have been awesome if I was born and raised in Norway and not this 3rd world country in a Gucci belt?

Should i be concerned my computer still recognized my face as i was taking a bite of my breakfast?🤣

Its funny when people assume im failing at being what they're trying to be, instead of realizing that I'm nailing being what I am

I'm suing Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni for irreparable damage to my Instagram feed

Kind of sucks that we didn't at least get a Roaring Twenties before what's about to come

If the end of the universe was sponsored by Taco Bell: the Big Freeze- the Baja Blast the Big Crunch- the Crunchwrap Supreme the Big Slurp- the Drinks Party Pack the Big Rip- I'll let you sort this one

Living alone is wild. Sometimes, I’ll just be making soup and think, “Man, what’s next?”

If you ever wondered what you’d do if you lived in Germany when the Gestapo began rounding people up and putting them in camps, congratulations. Now you get to find out.

A Crunchwrap Supreme Court.

Good morning world ☀️

Thanks for following me. I hope you're used to disappointment.

I also left CNN

I bet it feels really good for the kettle when you turn on the stove

I'm alone with just my thoughts and, quite frankly, it's still too crowded in here.

Alexa, cancel my subscription of nude emperors

really grateful Schrödinger had a cat and not a baby.

Some lady at the hospital this morning asked me if I was ok out of genuine concern and I started to cry. How’s your morning?

Sure, regular Jeopardy! can make you feel stupid but Pop Culture Jeopardy! can make you feel stupid and uncool

There should be a different set of medical guidelines for cool people

per my last wtf

It takes three wipes to know it was a two wipe job.

Doubt yourself or double down. Your choice.

I will not give in to the lies. I will not give in to the fear. I will not give in to an ugly hateful fat Cheeto

I mean, they gotta do a sequel called: Nosfera2

Being right has never felt so bad

Whenever I eat a taco salad, it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

* swimming with sharks * running with bulls * wrestling with crocodiles * boxing with kangaroos * playing Monopoly with the kids All things I won't risk doing a second time.

*deep breath* just mute, unfollow, and move along

When you're forced to open a gift in front of someone, and your face has to say ‘I love it!’ but your brain is screaming ‘WTF is this? A lamp shaped like a cat?

Pretty cool being old and getting expressions burned into your face like a plasma tv

Here’s a thing go.bsky.app/Muqfxwo

Xenophobia is not a political viewpoint. It's a character flaw.

I honestly don’t feel road rage, for the most part anyway. Sometimes I think it’s because I know that no one else can ever really get in my way more than I do

Stop pointing at grocery prices like you won an argument. They voted for ethnical cleansing. What will happen when immigration status doesn't keep these monsters from seeing brown people living their lives around them?

These are not "unprecedented times." All of this happened the exact same way in the 1930s.