The Hurl of Sandwich. The defendant walked free, with a rye smile on his face. Despite grilling him, the prosecution was unable to summon the special sauce needed to get a conviction. Their case was toast from the beginning. And thus a hero was born. I'm sorry. I'm trying to delete this

Your cat when you're choking to death in your apartment

To put this in scale, Elon Musk's salary from Tesla alone could fund the SNAP program for the entire country into 2034.

One of the huge perks of working at a software company is, when there's something about the product that bothers you personally, you can get your hands dirty and find out why it's basically impossible to get fixed

"Tiger Woods is dating Donald Trump Jr.'s ex-wife, who kept Trump as her last name," I say. Forty-thousand bees descend on me instantly, killing me in seconds. That was the magic sentence, it turns out. The relief is immense.

Please give to food banks, whatever you can. Also, if you’re able, GIVE THEM CASH! The same $10 you spend on pantry items is worth nearly double in their hands. Have a good Halloween friends.

this is how it worked in USSR: your neighbors and your coworkers who had more access to state power than you did would routinely use it against you to settle personal matters. were you insufficiently polite to some jackass? now your children's school admission may be in jeopardy.or your spouse's job

COUNT I Kat Abughazaleh did, while law enforcement was in heated pursuit, paint what appeared to be the entrance to a cave on a sheer rock wall, causing law enforcement to forcibly bonk into said wall. COUNT II The same thing on a different wall, but then a train came out and ran us over???

stream this, download this, add this app, bundle your viewing experience, suck my d*ck

We live in an episode of Veep

Part of the reason that it's hard to "adult" right now is that most of what you're expected to do in "adulting" is activity to set up a stable future. But most of us have felt for a long time that stability is a lie being told to us with enough "one in a lifetime" disasters every 6 months...

Congress basically doesn’t exist at this point

Imagine being 17, your little brother by your side, begging to speak to your dad as he’s dragged away. You may never see him again. And this is every day. Soul shattering, nightmarish stuff, never to be forgiven.

The president announces an arbitrary price hike on Americans because his feelings are hurt by an ad accurately quoting Ronald Reagan’s criticism of tariffs

Here's a photo of my friend and colleague, Jorge Bautista, getting shot in the face with a flashbang grenade. The ICE Agent is so afraid of Jorge (who was posing no threat) that he has wet himself. Please share this photo. Everyone needs to know what cowards ICE agents are.

i wonder what it says about a country that pays its military but doesn't take care of its people's needs for basics like food and shelter

*screams*

“Speaker Johnson, can you name the planet upon which we all live?” “I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that particular celestial orb, so no, I cannot.” “…” “Of course, I’d be happy to talk about all the posts on Adelita Grijalva’s TikTok account.”

It's really OK to change your mind when new facts are presented. It really is.

Some of you are not seeing the potential silver lining of a structurally unsound ballroom filled with members of the Trump administration.

future grandchild: like shit, from an ass? me in 30 years: Swear to God. Then he demolished the White House

$40 billion to Argentina’s right-wing government. The entire USAID budget was $34 billion.

all these seemed the strange calm things preluding some riotous and desperate scene

GOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING PORTLAND IT IS A TIMBERS MATCHDAY IN THE ROSE CITY #RCTID

Again, this is a liquidation of the union in all but letter of the law. This is reverse secessionism engineered by a central government.

If I had explain American history in one sentence, I could do worse than "John Brown was hung for treason, but Robert E. Lee was not."

If anyone's wondering how this is possible, the answer is these strike teams are moving terrifyingly fast. Grab first, ask questions later. We were about 8-15 minutes behind them today for several hours. They're jumping out of vans, chasing people across lawns, taking them from bus stops, etc

i’m sure they’ll come up with a new organization with a name they like better real quick something that ends in “-jugend,” likely

Extraordinary NEW story: We Found That More Than 170 U.S. Citizens Have Been Held by Immigration Agents. They’ve Been Kicked, Dragged and Detained for Days. @nicolefoy.bsky.social w/ photos by @sbmaneyphoto.bsky.social

Poe's Law being tested every day now

Both sides of a conflict are calling each other evil and corrupt, rendering me, a humble journalist, helpless to discern the truth. Best I can do is let you know that both sides are in fact saying those things. Hope this helps

These are mostly indigenous communities in Alaska that have been slammed by the storm. The local manager of a small airline fleet says he is the only one doing evacuations right now! Defund FEMA and people are abandoned. Defund public media and no-one knows. FYI, today is Indigenous Peoples Day.

NEW: There’s a disaster unfolding in Alaska right now. And no major network is covering it. The remnants of Typhoon Halong battered western Alaska overnight. Homes, with people in them, have literally been swept into the Bering Strait. At least 20 are missing. No comment from any federal agency.

You can arrest us or pepper spray us or whatever, but we will make you look stupid and feel silly doing it because wanting to assert control is stupid. You want to assert control? Do it to an inflatable frog! So, it’s not just a meme thing, it’s a Portland cultural thing.

that’s a weird way to try to stock up on ketamine

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOUR MEDICAL EMERGENCY IS DUE TO DRUG ADDICTION. IT'S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY YOU FUCKING GHOULS. This is part and parcel of what's keeping us from having universal health care: they really believe that some ppl deserve medical care and some don't.

We Portlanders have an infinite capacity for sadism and evil. Underestimate us at your peril.

scroll up to original posts for even more fun context

Lord give us the Democrats that Republicans warn us about.

a friend of mine in antifa told me that antifa's headquarters is SHEIN and if the company fell the whole network would fall

What To Know About NSPM-7 https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-nspm-7/

"we are going to murder americans without due process" ~pam bondi, US attorney general

Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis

Letter from the editor: To tell protesters, ‘don’t take the bait,’ in the face of Trump’s attacks on Portland, both misses the point and ignores the reality many Oregonians face. “This regime isn’t fishing with bait. It’s fishing with dynamite,” writes @k-rambo.bsky.social

when you say "Albany" wrong once and just roll with it and then you're in too deep

she's from Portland you probably never heard of her

Ahem.