When @dubs.wtf came through earlier: Dog: *pukes* Dubs: your pupper puked Me: ehhh, they’re self cleaning

I think I’ve found a vegan jerky recipe. Gotta find soy corks and give it a go.

mom: MEATLOAF IS READY

Duck l'orange is what you do if you see an orange coming at your head.

Truck is full of gas, I am full of cheeseburger. A raven landed nearby so I tweeted the whistle I bought from @mostlybree.kitrocha.com and tossed it a French fry. I will train every corvid in Susanville to come to the sound of community defense whistles.

Damn Bob, that sounds more like a skill issue than understaffing.

there should be a Goodwill place to drop off all the small bags of chips nobody ever wants to eat in variety packs

i have joined the war on the side of the Corolla-sized vermin

Our new Unpaid Agitators scarf presale is OPEN! All proceeds benefit Unidos MN’s Educational Fund. Shop through February & your whole order gives back. Plus, all merch is on sale! mn-revontulet.square.site/product/unpa...

🎵Don’t speak Don’t care what you’re saying Your prayin’ and complainin’ Go chug my Hershey squirts🎵

Beef!

I put the demon in pandemonium.

Last night, as my wife and I stood staring into the freezer, struggling to pick something for dinner, I proffered, “Chicken piccata?” She turned to me, and in very much her outside voice, sang, “IF YOU LIKE CHICKEN PICCATA…” and I was reminded for the thousandth time that I’d chosen the right woman.

His blood pressure has got to be through the roof right now, so if anyone has a chance to ask him an aggressive question about the Epstein files, that really could make It happen today. Come on, reporters. We'll build statues in your honor.

Gorillaz are back so time to resurrect the greatest of all music tweets. We're all out here tryna be The Quietus and she just walks up and zeroes in on the essence.

There’s nothing stopping the Kool-Aid Man from pretending to be a portable hot tub and swallowing people whole. But he doesn't. Impeccable restraint.

imagine getting in any body of water while wearing jeans, let alone a hot tub, then imagine doing that with kid rock stop barfing

"Isn't it so cool to see someone else get millions of views playing your video? They even left your handle on it!" No. A paycheck is cool.

Nice thread here from Andrew

He’s gonna bomb Iran now, huh?

Nom nom nom jerky 🤤

My favorite Dixieland Jazz song about a butter substitute is When the Saints Go Margarine.

Well, when you put it that way... 🧵

when replying on bluesky, remember that any word in the original post can be used as a springboard for incoherent free association

Stop using AI babes

The “here’s your crying pillow” plushie handouts with the silver medals.

lesbians > desbiens imo

Meh. Ok. That pass was incredible.

Yep

Are we gonna get free hockey?

The sun didn’t come out tomorrow Annie. Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

I have jerky! 3oz portions, $10 each First come, first serve. I’m home all day today and at the kick off party tomorrow at A&R. 7 bags chili crisp 11 bags togarashi 1 bag tribute pepper I will not DM you payment info. Watch out for phony impersonation accounts as it’s happened before.

Listen, I’m rooting for Canada in all things Olympics.

Long receipts 🤝 NWSL

Divorced dads gotta live somewhere.

I regret to inform you that I have made chili crisp beef jerky and that it is fantastic.

every Olympic event should include wolf dogs

This is how you could truly get #ACES The hate would run so deep, the Seahawks would be relevant to the rest of the league.

This is why we root against Patriots.

speed skaters should be called blade runners

“Look I know the bartender is pushing kiddie porn out the back, but all my friends are here, and I don’t know any of those kids, so you know, not my issue…”

Let’s go! Booth 115. Walk in and make a right. 3rd booth down. @nwfgs My home for 5 days.

i think cats understand crime

The Scion of Oklahoma City’s largest McDonald’s franchisee family pissed himself at a peaceful anti-ICE protest in Mustang, OK this week when he tried to start shit and attacked protestors

By the time February is over, along with all the emotional burdens of the month I will have had: quarterly cancer screen, mammogram and a colonoscopy. Wild month and it’s not even a leap year.

Maybe Sirhan Sirhan was caught in a 12 Monkeys situation and was supposed to kill RFK before RFK Jr was conceived.

Is it the rampant fascism? It’s the rapid fascism, isn’t it?