RIP Mitch Hedberg you would have hated getting 25 receipts for a donut

download our app to buy coffee! get your coffee by simply entering your email! coffee is just one password containing a number, letter, and special character away! hey. fuck you

finally, someone found a worthy void I can scream into

Thrilled to announce I'm teaming up with Nvidia to create a basket big enough to fit all of humanity's eggs in it

well, we know what kind of lettuce they use for the wraps

I started at "OK both of these guys were worth 2-3 WAR the last time I thought about them, which wasn't recently" and every thought I've had since then has made this trade make less sense for Baltimore

Shoutout to Mike Elias for locating Colton Cowser Who Took A Time Machine Six Years Into The Future, exactly what that roster needed

god i love a trade that is confusing as fuck for both sides

Now the Orioles have Classic Tyler O’Neill and Diet Tyler O’Neill.

I have so many questions

President Pope, Tuesdays at 8:00, only on the WB.

every epstein email is some creep complaining about MeToo and then being like “oh before i forget, any advice on how to use my position of authority to force women into sleeping with me?”

"ICE is grabbing people from the streets who aren't even undocumented or don't have criminal records at all" babe i don't think there is a group of people ICE should be grabbing people off the streets in the first place

this sounds like a great idea. luckily there are no extremely serious consequences to providing false information to the Internal Revenue Service

for the rest of his life every time he can’t fall asleep and he’s tossing and turning this will be what he hears. the loudest any roomful of people has ever not laughed

bill maher with one of the craziest flop jokes i've ever seen in my life

Along with his own, anyone that donated enough money to Trump’s campaign will have their name redacted due to “National Security” concerns

He's only going to release files that are "not classified" and he will classify all the bad ones.

I have a feeling we're in for a very quiet free agent season, because I think a lot of owners won't want to commit to long term deals with a potential work stoppage looming. Can't blame any of the guys accepting the QO for taking the bag this year. Who knows when the next one comes? Or if?

Not even slightly surprising, hopefully they can work out a long-term deal. Love having Woody back.

say, out loud, "World of Warcraft Burning Crusade Classic Anniversary Edition pre-expansion patch" do you hear how stupid you sound?

Remember: they used thousands of academic books too! If you’re a scholar, check for your books too. This isn’t just novelists and pop writers, it’s academic books too!

Big news this morning from Amtrak...

this is possible basically everywhere, despite hand waving about industrial demand. it’s frankly fucking stupid and evil that we’re building new gas plants (in WI, at least!) for data centers and a handful of industrial users. that’s a choice, it’s not inevitable.

me too, man. me too.

In 2028 I will vote for whoever will send Stephen Miller to The Hague.

The NYT piece about Nuzzi’s book ends with her thinking about Eric Adams on the night he lost his job. She might be fucking Eric Adams this very moment.

It’s really cool that when you say “ugh the disgusting sex story again” you have to clarify if it’s the horrible criminal one or the one that’s horrible but legal

revenge is a dish best served on a bamboo plate, made from the bamboo choking my garden and also my life,

just imagining waiting a year to publicly drop an atomic warhead on an ex but being like “gotta get that big bamboo metaphor up in there”

yo geno smith suuuucks huh

I would like to say something: American canto is the stupidest fucking name for a book about a reporter sleeping with a guy who looks and sounds like wile e coyote after he gets run over by an 18 wheeler

I love the idea of Mark Sanford just sitting in his living room, watching the football game or whatever, and his phone starts blowing up.

to have an affair with one longshot presidential candidate twice your age that you’re profiling may be regarded as a misfortune; to have two looks like carelessness

oh my god you have to read this until the end www.telos.news/p/part-1-how...

“Mark Sanford? The long-distance trail hiking enthusiast?”

feels like "one of my best friends was the world's most famous pedophile" should keep you from teaching but i am not harvard

as his brain continues to leak out his ears, the filter has also gone with it. feel terrible for this reporter

Love when a coach is like “I’m gonna teach you a lesson by demonstrating how ineffective our offense without you”

they'll never stop fortnite have no fears, they've got seasons for years marge becomes a robot maybe moe gets a crash pad has bart ever owned a bear

i really don't understand how anyone can watch any amount of Packers film from this year and come away with the notion that Jordan Love is the problem

"really mean and weird" sums these people up just about perfectly

@Badgers

The real comedy of the Vikings this season remains that they let Sam Darnold and Daniel Jones walk for this

Jordan Love had several fantastic throws but this one stood out to me. Instead of the Packers starting the drive with a throwaway or sack, Love is pushing the ball past the sticks and completing it for a first down.

I get why it happens but goddamn do I wish anything could hit as hard on the timeline as something that sucks that everyone hates written by or about the worst person you know. I wish something good or interesting was able to get anywhere near the traction some shit that sucks does.

I am real curious to see how Braun plays out here.

The Jets fully guaranteed $30 million to Justin Fields when they signed him. If Fields doesn't play for them again, that breaks down to $23,828.44 per passing yard.

Packers standout RB Josh Jacobs’ knee is structurally sound and no surgery is needed, per me and Tom Pelissero. He’s considered day-to-day, but could miss the game against the Vikings.