Little House on the Prairie is so wild, I’m glad I don’t live near any prairies

There’s really no punk rock way to make a solar system out of birthday cake.

I’m cut and autistic, baby!!!!

If the Garbage Pail Kids didn’t get to win the Nobel Peace Prize, then nobody deserves it.

You ain't gettin the Nobel Prize, bru. Have another Diet Coke and drain your ankles.

Is there a non-sexy way to eat celery?

Actually, when I think of Tim McGraw, I think of that stupid racist song he did early in his career about how he was an Indian outlaw. Sorry, TayTay. And can you maybe pick up all your clothes from my room? I can’t even see the carpet anymore.

Thanks for the dry handjob in the Arby’s parking lot, Geoff.

I've never had access to my attic, so really anything could be up there. Bodies? Money? The set from Match Game '73?

Would you rather see Taylor Swift catch a seam route between two NFL safeties or Travis Kelce playing the guitar in a sequined leotard

would’ve been cool if prenatal tests back when my wife was pregnant could predict if your kid would be interested in ventriloquism as a career

Cumin is my favorite spice that looks like what a hillbilly yells at the conclusion of coitus.

If you ain't never been to Bagel Barn Don't ever come to Bagel Barn 'Cause you ain't understand Bagel Barn And stay the fuck out of Bagel Barn

being awoken by geese is like a gaggle of clowns honking outside my bedroom window, signifying the beginning of life’s daily horrors but it’s ok

You've heard of cocaine bear and cocaine shark, let me introduce you to the most destructive monster yet, COCAINE GOVERNMENT!

Is it okay if I go down on you, Cthulu?

The dog won’t go out in the rain. Descended from wolves.

ICE is like someone said “let’s take those Police Academy movies, but make them unfunny and violent and even more racist and somehow the characters are even more incompetent. And NO Steve Guttenberg!”

BREAKING: Comedians Compete For Bonesaw Signed By Jared Kushner at Riyadh Festival

Sorry you asked me to make a hall pass list and I just wrote down your mom’s name five times.

This is not the world Iggy Pop rolled around in broken glass and then continued singing for.

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Framing my wife’s colonoscopy pics to put on the nightstand

My girlfriend thinks I'm only with her because of her pretty handwriting. I don't have the heart to tell her she's right.

When I impulsively purchased 300 scones from the corner bakery this morning I had no idea it would be my destiny to arrange them in an unsettling cairn atop the office copy machine, but such are the mysteries that spring unbidden from the ineffable scone.

Acceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to save a life Unacceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to create a life

enough dicks, it’s time for pussy shaped microphones

People get bent out of shape when they see the Giant Ear hovering around town. They get even more freaked out when I crawl out of it to stock up on groceries or see a movie. I wish they’d understand it’s the only way I have of getting around. You can’t even hear anything inside it for Pete’s sake!

The only good thing to come out of a file cabinet is liquor.

Staring at a spelling mistake like an unexploded bomb.

The only way I want to see Leonardo DiCaprio is through a fish tank.

NOT TODAY, AARP OFFER, NOT TODAY

Scientists: we've made contact with intelligent extraterrestrial life on other planets Americans: are they democrat or republican

Looking at Jane Fonda at 87 and wondering whether we perhaps should've taken her workout video shit more seriously at the time.

Isn’t Medbed a tennis player?

*falling into a burning ring of fire* I'm gonna write a song about this shit

I hope you're not on your pogo stick if the earth ever has to tap on its brakes.

Soon all the cranberry bogs will be harvested and the world will once again share in our bounty of bitter, bitter fruit

Extraordinary clams require extraordinary fries

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

VAN MORRISON: It’s a marvelous night for a moondance. ME: Don’t feel up to it. I got vaccinated for diseases the moon or the blues can’t cure. I’m a little tired.

Willie Wonka, NO!

Always horrifying to find out people are younger than you are

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

a secret horse, sneaking into an apple bobbing contest

the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization

You know who needs to come to his senses? Desperado.