Is it okay if I go down on you, Cthulu?

The dog won’t go out in the rain. Descended from wolves.

ICE is like someone said “let’s take those Police Academy movies, but make them unfunny and violent and even more racist and somehow the characters are even more incompetent. And NO Steve Guttenberg!”

BREAKING: Comedians Compete For Bonesaw Signed By Jared Kushner at Riyadh Festival

Sorry you asked me to make a hall pass list and I just wrote down your mom’s name five times.

This is not the world Iggy Pop rolled around in broken glass and then continued singing for.

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Framing my wife’s colonoscopy pics to put on the nightstand

My girlfriend thinks I'm only with her because of her pretty handwriting. I don't have the heart to tell her she's right.

When I impulsively purchased 300 scones from the corner bakery this morning I had no idea it would be my destiny to arrange them in an unsettling cairn atop the office copy machine, but such are the mysteries that spring unbidden from the ineffable scone.

Acceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to save a life Unacceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to create a life

enough dicks, it’s time for pussy shaped microphones

People get bent out of shape when they see the Giant Ear hovering around town. They get even more freaked out when I crawl out of it to stock up on groceries or see a movie. I wish they’d understand it’s the only way I have of getting around. You can’t even hear anything inside it for Pete’s sake!

The only good thing to come out of a file cabinet is liquor.

Staring at a spelling mistake like an unexploded bomb.

The only way I want to see Leonardo DiCaprio is through a fish tank.

NOT TODAY, AARP OFFER, NOT TODAY

Scientists: we've made contact with intelligent extraterrestrial life on other planets Americans: are they democrat or republican

Looking at Jane Fonda at 87 and wondering whether we perhaps should've taken her workout video shit more seriously at the time.

Isn’t Medbed a tennis player?

*falling into a burning ring of fire* I'm gonna write a song about this shit

I hope you're not on your pogo stick if the earth ever has to tap on its brakes.

Soon all the cranberry bogs will be harvested and the world will once again share in our bounty of bitter, bitter fruit

Extraordinary clams require extraordinary fries

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

VAN MORRISON: It’s a marvelous night for a moondance. ME: Don’t feel up to it. I got vaccinated for diseases the moon or the blues can’t cure. I’m a little tired.

Willie Wonka, NO!

God hunt us all, if we do not hunt Moby Dick to his death!

Always horrifying to find out people are younger than you are

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

a secret horse, sneaking into an apple bobbing contest

the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization

You know who needs to come to his senses? Desperado.

Laura Loomer should be deported back to her plastic surgeon.

Hamburglar’s less known brother, the Apple Cobbler Robber

Trying to talk my niece into thinking that Taylor Swift is heavily influenced by Quarterflash.

having sex with the wife is kinda like a Tarantino movie, lots of cursing, sometimes violent, good music, occasional n-word for some reason

Installing an electric typewriter & generator on my bicycle so I can write pastoral poetry on the go, up to the very second I crash into the river, or ride into a quarry.

Hey man I started a LETS GO RED SOX chant in the stall next to you did you hear it?

And now I’m back here. Blame it on the Tylenol, I suppose.

even Ron Mael looked at Alex Jones and was like “dude, that Hitler mustache has got to go”

Waitress: how do you take your coffee Me, A Bluesky Idiot: with my hand

I’d give my left nut to suffer from monorchidism!

I noticed you unfollowed me, was it the last 5000 things I said?

Prayers have taken yet another major hit as a way to prevent preventable tragedies.

I just pulled my sunglasses down to look at a girl like I was in a David Lee Roth video

I tied up a busted gate with a shitty old charger cable and Apple put me on a $12/month payment plan

I hope it's owl