COLBERT: How dumb do you think it is for people to say that I should run for president? OBAMA: Well, you know, the bar has changed. I think you would perform significantly better than some folks we've seen. COLBERT: Is that an endorsement? OBAMA: It was not

Not new idea but if i were a dogooder with actual money concerned about media i would pick a dozen medium sized cities in swingy states and bring back local journalism.

i smell a pulitzer

oh yeah

It really isn't fair to expose Alex Jones to Tim Heidecker like this, the media equivalent of giving a medieval peasant Doritos.

this thumbnail 🤌 this is not the satire site. this is the real one.

2 days ago my maga neighbour was like "if the covid vax is so good how come you get it every year" so I made a super sad face and dropped my voice and confessed that I was addicted to vaccines and wife is not happy with me because I have been expressly told to stop winding him up but HOW TO RESIST

Well soooooomebody is trying to keep his job by pleasing Daddy.

have there been similarly culturally pervasive “everyone needs to start using this tech right now” pushes over such a relatively brief time frame as we’re currently seeing with LLMs? (This is a very genuine question)

We can’t all be beautiful, some of us have to be content with being too large to be carried off by a giant bird

No notes

I keep thinking I see Roger Stone, but I’m just in South Florida and every man looks like that

Brutal.

**gently grabs your face** Listen, the world is full of so many horrors--things out of our direct control. We do what we can, as we can. But there's no magick button labeled Fix This Now. It's important to reach toward joy. Take your meds. Have a snack. Make plans. Laugh. Look at the damn moon.

Pam Bondi made it home after a bad day

I will be forever in awe of this exchange

This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate

The end of the mass consumer society. We've been priced out of capitalism and the market economy. Where we go from where is anyone's guess.

this is turning out to be one of the onion's all-time classics

Hearing a lot of jealousy today from people who live in countries where their main healthcare professional doesn’t have any raccoon penis bones at all

NEW: After Indiana passed its draconian abortion ban, an interfaith group of women in 2022 sued the state, arguing the ban violated their religious liberty rights. A trial court just granted a permanent injunction against the ban. Thread 🧵:

First protein cigarette will go hard

Happy Laura Palmer's Murder day to those who celebrate.

This is true in rougly the same sense that a guy on the subway reeking of urine, screaming, and waving a knife around is “feared.”

One cool thing about unequivocally hating AI is that you will be proven right over and over again every single day

Oh yeah, because vibe coding has been working out SO WELL... I can't wait to watch the plagiarism engine patch some legacy COBOL program that's already held together with the spaghetti code equivalent of duct tape and bubble gum...

I think the fun thing about the latest John Oliver episode is that he’s mainstreaming what has been common discourse here for months, in that if you’re a government official/reporter/someone who considers themselves a non-Nazi then what the FUCK are you still doing on X?

This is exactly right. The Onion quietly left Twitter a month ago and... our weekly subscribers went up. It's because we're doing well here, on Instagram and on YouTube. As a business, being on Twitter is somewhere between useless or detrimental, unless you're selling boner pills.

Every news story is now “State Senator Randy Pervert (R-Springfield) was indicted on 8 counts of lewd behavior with a child under 12 and has been put on paid leave from his two jobs as Border Patrol liaison and youth pastor at First Presbyterian (PCA) where parishioners say they were ‘blindsided.’”

Valentine’s Day brunch was a wet burrito con huevos and a black diamond margarita made with fresh cherries. It was divine and a beautiful day to chill outside.

They literally dragged a minor employee out of a Target as he was wailing that he was a US citizen, roughed him up in their car, and then dropped him off bloodied and bruised in the freezing cold a couple of miles away, so miss us with this.

Listen to this. Not a penny more for this. Abolish and prosecute anyone who had anything to do with it.

it's probably a good sign for our democracy that every member of congress who has been in the secret epstein document room walks out saying stuff like "every powerful person in the country knew, they're all rapists and pedophiles, they should be tossed into a pit and crushed under boulders"

Make Art (1/4)

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP) — we regret to inform you that Punxsutawney Phil is mentioned 35 times in the Epstein Files, including in the flight logs

If you find yourself sitting across from this guy you are F U C K E D

just choked on my beverage

Some ask, “Why would he bring a gun to a protest.” The answer is simple: “Because he could.” The NRA, right wing media, gun makers, Republican politicians, and the Supreme Court made sure of that. If they didn’t want him to carry a gun, why did they work so hard to make it legal for him to do so?

Gaming doesn’t count as screen time. Gaming is books. Unless it’s on your phone - that is screen time. Movies are books unless they are Marvel, who produce screen time. Television is screen time.

Fortunately, America is the land of opportunity, and there are millions of other jobs that Lindsey Halligan is unqualified by training, intellect, and character to do.

(scrolling Bluesky) I reject the premise. I reject the premise. Granted. I reject the premise. Not my fetish. Granted. I reject the premise. Funny. I reject the premise.

Wait wait wait you’re telling me the brand with with an incredibly obsessive fandom and fixation on collecting every bit of memorabilia in the series normalises autism? No fucking way!

This. I am done returning to the status quo of what got us here. I want universal healthcare. I want a maximum wage tied to the minimum wage. I want omnipresent, cheap public transit and walkable neighborhoods. I want Supreme Court and police reform, and I want the rich to pay their fair share.

lol owned

Ok, I couldn't stop thinking about this. Apologies to the literally dozens of people I've lifted from... I want to do a fully credited version, but I'm sitting here sobbing and, well, maybe you'll feel some release, too.

Looks like government by 4chan isn't working out so hot.

They all think they’re Wyatt Earp but really they’re the town drunk that died of dysentery panning for gold while his children and wife starved to death.

I’m struggling mentally lately with how much I love playing WoW and am looking forward to Midnight and how disconnected from WoW I feel from a community/friends perspective. It’s a really weird feeling in that I think I’m better off just playing solo.