Go out there and *take life by the reins! *get those discount Reese’s pumpkins

Them: Hey, do you want to... Me, interrupting: No

The funny thing about the invention of the wheel is the guy who invented it died penniless. It wasn't until much much later that pennies were invented

On Halloween this year, be sure to single out the sad kid that screwed up his costume and give him a rock like a responsible adult.

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

“I could have made better choices.” - Me, 2 minutes into the family dinner I agreed to host

[in the middle of receiving terrible news that will forever alter my life] MY WASHER/DRYER: la! LA-la-la-la-LA! la! la-LALALAL! 🥰

Be sure to visit Aldi for all your favorite Halloween candy brands, like Butterknuckles, Rizzlers, and Tart Thatch Kids!

🎵Did you stay sober…on the 21st niiight of October?🎵

Doing those workplace trainings the night they’re due, if you like a bad guy.

"Who radicalized you?!" "We Rate Dogs."

for the rest of the month I implore you: sign off all your emails with kind regourds,

2 weeks from Halloween, and I still can’t decide between ghost or hobo as a last-minute costume.

maybe the hamburger was the helper all along

How’s that whole “starring Jared Leto” thing working out for y’all?

[having 'the talk' with my teenage son] don't EVER call me bro

A horror movie, but it’s just me looking at the price of chicken wings in 2025

One time I saw a bald guy shoplifting so I called him 'Lex Looter' lol and then he stopped, gave me a high five and stole my wallet.

Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!

more mayors should be cheeseburgers

It’s fall, mid-October, and it feels amazing. That’s it. Carry on.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

WALTER LANTZ: what should i name my cartoon bird ANIMATOR: boner bonedick WALTER LANTZ: what no ANIMATOR: stiffy stiffwang WALTER LANTZ: absolutely not ANIMATOR: woody woodpecker WALTER LANTZ: i love it

[giving treats to dog] thank you for not being people

Calories don’t count while the government is shut down.

can’t find a good cup holder for my pogo stick

Do bras have those little bows so ladies know which is frontways? 411 operator: (heavy sigh) again sir, not that kind of information

DATE: So it says on your profile that you're a contractor. ME: I'm. HER: Check please!

My super talent is finding the most complicated, expensive way to solve a problem.

Ah yes, year whatever-it-is-after-Prince that I don’t care about who’s in the Super Bowl halftime show.

🎶if you're happy and you know it what's it like

Y…you don’t keep emergency fire sauce in your pocket?

In an alternate dimension, football fans pre-game at headkey parties.

I’m getting a crown right now. No, not the honorable, royal kind. The less fun, fake tooth kind. I think the dentist should take a page from Burger King and give patients a crown on their way out.

How long until comedic insurance commercials have their own Emmy category?

What's your favorite cereal mascot? Mine's gotta be the Special K "Kreature", a twisted morass of flesh and teeth who mindlessly pursues those who have yet to try Special K

i cant believe i paid for a device that allow people to reach me whenever they want

Surely *this* slice of pizza will be enough.

My family is right. I have struggled to admit this for a long time, but I have to tell the truth. I have a butt, and slim-fit jeans aren’t made for me.

Why do electric vehicles sound like TIE fighters trying to be polite?

Not to brag but i make all my own itches from scratch

One day you’re young and cool, and the next you’re excited about eating Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am: AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS

Hey Luke, maybe stop staring into the TWIN SUNS

I don’t want to brag, but I don’t really care what score a movie gets on Rotten Tomatoes.

It’s taco Tuesday, or as I like to call it, Kraft Dinner with a hot dog cut up in it, again.

I don’t mean to brag, but I just accepted something called a “top fan badge” for engaging with a Steve Martin account(?).

Why no, Bath & Body Works, I don’t think the boiling heat of late August is when I’m gonna buy a new candle.