E. B. White's full name was Ernest Borgnine White.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

Twas the night after Christmas And all through the house Farts

My New Year’s resolution is to stop waking up from a nap feeling like I stopped a falling elevator with my neck.

Not pictured: Family communication

My kid’s Santa letter on Christmas Eve where she mentions this for the first time all year: “Dear Santa, this year I’d like a podcast studio kit.” My letter back as Santa: “Merry Christmas! You know, technology really isn’t what Christmas is all about…”

Can’t. Decking the halls with boughs of holly.

Me, an idiot: I think I’ll go get a haircut during banker’s hours on a Monday. My options are: A) 2hr wait B) Closed

Getting ready to tell everyone at work that I’ll see them—get this—next year! They’re gonna love this!! #cleverlarious

Frankincense is the doctor, Myrrh is the stupid sound the monster makes, Kevin.

if you’re not wrapping presents for me, you’re wrapping them against me

Whatever make it 10 factor authentication.. I don't want to be able to sign into anything ever again

They really just whip the hell out of those horses in Sleigh Ride, huh?

This cologne's scent has a half-mile radius per drop, you say? *spritzes self 17 times* - my male students

Christmas is just a plot by Big Everything to sell you everything.

There’s no time to celebrate Christmas; we’re too busy CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

PHARMACIST: can I help you? ME: idk what’s good here?

bluesky is my #1 source for knowing what the weather is like in minnesota and pennsylvania

what is a jellicle cat

[me in the drive-thru every time] Them: Here’s your cardHERE’S YOUR FOOD! I’M WAITING ON YOU TO PUT AWAY YOUR CARD SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FOOD! Me: *fumbles, drops card under seat* Th, thank you!!!

You’re Keeping Yourself Busy So You Don’t Have To Feel Things, Charlie Brown (TV-G, 1971)

Christmas time is family time

I can’t believe I’m the same species as some of the people I interact with on FB Marketplace

I’m a very picky eater. Take coconuts, for example. I don’t eat the shell

I’m just gonna jingle some of the way. I’m tired.

It’s Saturday, Noon. End of November. You know what that means. Sunset’s in 20 minutes.

She blinded me with science. *pepper spray

Time for turkey sandwiches, the cold pizza of Black Friday.

Why did you all let me eat that much??

According to the health app, my cortisol and adrenaline levels qualify me as an honorary Hulk.

A Charlie Brown Supervised Visitation (TV-G, 1979)

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

ME: i’m going to take a showper WIFE: there’s no p in shower ME: not yet there isn’t

Not only will we offer a 50-year mortgage, not only will we drop our credit score requirements, but we’ll even offer you this convenient mark on your forehead that will let you instantly request additional deferments!

Go out there and *take life by the reins! *get those discount Reese’s pumpkins

Them: Hey, do you want to... Me, interrupting: No

The funny thing about the invention of the wheel is the guy who invented it died penniless. It wasn't until much much later that pennies were invented

On Halloween this year, be sure to single out the sad kid that screwed up his costume and give him a rock like a responsible adult.

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

“I could have made better choices.” - Me, 2 minutes into the family dinner I agreed to host

[in the middle of receiving terrible news that will forever alter my life] MY WASHER/DRYER: la! LA-la-la-la-LA! la! la-LALALAL! 🥰

Be sure to visit Aldi for all your favorite Halloween candy brands, like Butterknuckles, Rizzlers, and Tart Thatch Kids!

🎵Did you stay sober…on the 21st niiight of October?🎵

Doing those workplace trainings the night they’re due, if you like a bad guy.

"Who radicalized you?!" "We Rate Dogs."

for the rest of the month I implore you: sign off all your emails with kind regourds,

2 weeks from Halloween, and I still can’t decide between ghost or hobo as a last-minute costume.

maybe the hamburger was the helper all along

How’s that whole “starring Jared Leto” thing working out for y’all?

[having 'the talk' with my teenage son] don't EVER call me bro