Asking the pharmacist for a tasting flight

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

In breaking news, Rick Astley has done the unthinkable for Lent

The First Launch of Space Week '25 🚀

I always like to start my mornings with a big bowl of Yeeties

is there a Balls Cheney

Consider this day rued.

Years ago I would have been gatekeeping Godzilla on a day like today, replying to everyone's tweets (even jokes) with "Actually," and then reciting strict Japanese canon. But no, now I just let everyone be wrong... cringe-worthy, horribly wrong. It's fine. I've grown.

Evergreen

I’ve watched a TON of College Football in my life and I reached an inescapable conclusion: The Doctor Pepper marketing budget is completely out of control.

College football thought I keep having: what if instead of paying like $5 million (more?) to get Carson Beck, Miami had gotten current Heisman favorite Fernando Mendoza, a Cuban guy from Miami who played for the same high school as Mario Cristobal

UCF couldn’t score in a brothel with a fistful of cash. What an embarrassment. D played great after giving up the 2 early TDs. No help from the O again on the road.

Of course I live in the past, have you seen the present?

My plant is still dying despite all the love and water I gave it. So now I’m watering myself with wine and feeding my soul with cheese. Let’s see who thrives.

I just saw a guy on TikTok giving $20 to anyone who screams. In this economy? I'd scream for a dollar. I'd scream for free. I’m screaming right now.

Done staring at a screen [professionally], I think I’ll relax by staring at a screen [recreationally]

life is a constant battle of trying to have a good time or being healthy

GAMEDAY

First of Many 🤩 RJ Harvey is the NFL Rookie of the week!

Mission IX Space Game Uniforms… They’re in The Game 🤩

Not much that can’t be fixed with duct tape, sarcasm, or distance.

Ok, how about now? Still too soon?

“GenX needs to ________” GenX- Fuck yourself with a cactus

Sorry meth pipe racoon, COVID herpes monkey is my new spirit animal

When it’s almost Halloween and bustin’ makes you feel good:

Why do four year olds know so much about dinosaurs, like lil bro you’re younger than my car loan

[putting up halloween decorations] spider who lives is my hallway: THIS IS GENTRIFICATION

My milk keeps singing "Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac..." I think it's gone Rancid...

Quoting my 8 yr old per her request - “I don’t know about you, but it smells like UpDog in here”

sure could use a belly itcher right about now

bringing in my pinch viewer

How soon is no longer too soon to fire your coach? Asking for some Magic fans…

If I wake up at 4 AM and my wife sleeps until 10 AM, that's microdosing divorce.

Two TD half for RJ in the throwbacks 😮‍💨 📸 Getty Images

“What’s the answer?” RJ HARVEY First rushing TD as a pro! #BuiltbyUCF

trick or treat

Going to make my alarm the sound of my cat horking up a hairball. I'll never sleep through an alarm. Ever again.

big nap enthusiast

Kickoff Time at Baylor ⚔️

halloween in the 80s was wild

"Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla" is a hall of fame-tier Onion headline

Man, why do I let myself buy into the Orlando Magic hype every year? I’m such a sucker. I really thought they’d be special this year. Fixed the guard problem, right? Great players at every position now? “They just need more time together”. Most of this squad has been together for years!

All mushrooms are edible …. some only once.

Bahahaha Belichik

Spirit Halloween Hiring Manager: And where do you see yourself in five days