[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.

My 15yo convinced my 11yo to watch The Fly with him. Apparently she loved it so much she wrote a review.

Running for office and revealing a giant back tattoo that just says WOMEN. Nobody can agree if it's good or bad

It's nearly impossible to make a living entertaining children in a sewer since Stephen king's "It"

My anaconda don't want none because he was a rescue and is grateful to have a safe and loving home. In a way, he was the one who rescued me.

The sewage-contaminated water has a chance to do the funniest thing ever

not a hollaback girl, but not yet a hollaback woman

claim my gift

Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

If you can help/share I'd be really grateful. gofund.me/1f79c12a

If you can help/share I'd be really grateful. gofund.me/1f79c12a

always excited to see the first spring bloom

can you die of too much news

why the fuck didn’t they just call this “CAULIFLOUR”

“is my calculator horny?“ our tech columnist asks. “i entered 5318008 into it and turned it upside down. what i saw surprised me”

remembering perhaps the funniest interaction on twitter i’ve ever seen

I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.

always excited to see the first spring bloom

We all need to start making better decisions.

As Keir Starmer does a “trans women are men” media tour today, I hope people think about that time he invoked the memory of Brianna Ghey in Parliament as part of a gotcha for Rishi Sunak. Abusing her memory for PR whilst plotting to remove the rights she would’ve had to live as herself. He’s sick.

FOX: We are in the midst of a Male Loneliness Epidemic YOUNG DUDE: I am a lonely guy; what should I do? MANFLUENCER: Have you considered acting like a complete entitled asshole YOUNG DUDE: I suppose that suggestion is worth a try FOX: The Male Loneliness Epidemic continues

Watching an Easter egg hunt is the quickest way to see which kid in the group is going to become a career criminal.

Imagine how many beer cans Pete Hegseth needed to crush against his forehead to get to this level of stupid.

Looks like the unqualified amateur is acting like [checks notes] an unqualified amateur. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/20/u...

I was standing outside and felt a gentle breeze and wanted to say "nice breeze" to someone but I was alone so I imagined Nicolas Cage was there. "Nice breeze" I said, but there was no reply because imaginary Nicolas Cage was too busy running after a dragonfly with an ax.

Just saw a white guy with dreadlocks crash his unicycle. It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me

Excellent work by new NYT headline writer Werner Herzog

I bought Twitter for $44,000,000,000 and sold it back to myself for $33,000,000,000. I have 43 kids and no friends. Everything I make explodes

I was standing outside and felt a gentle breeze and wanted to say "nice breeze" to someone but I was alone so I imagined Nicolas Cage was there. "Nice breeze" I said, but there was no reply because imaginary Nicolas Cage was too busy running after a dragonfly with an ax.

I heard there was a secret ooze It turned four turtles into dudes But you don't really care for pizza, do ya? They fought like this, Two swords, a stick A couple sai Some nunchuck tricks Those Ninja boys-a callin Cowabunga

Happy Mother's Day, UK pals. Here's the painting my 5yo made me of the two of us holding a human heart.

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

My 5yo called me into her room to play for a prize in her arcade penny machine. Bring lots of coins, she said. The big prize: a single smoked almond.

My 5yo called me into her room to play for a prize in her arcade penny machine. Bring lots of coins, she said. The big prize: a single smoked almond.

still my favourite scene from alien

My home state, always keeping it classy.

You know spring is here when you see every dad in the neighbourhood walking in a trance behind a mulch truck.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Me in the national security team group chat

Just paused at the bit where Aladdin gets crazy with the wireless Hitachi.

[texting 911] you up?

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

And Hitler was a painter.

Me in the national security team group chat

Presented with an eternity of submitting to man, imagine how relieved Eve must have been when God told her she would eventually die.