Who gives a fuck about an Oxford...

Yeah those jobsworths better just suck it up and die of heatstroke

The new duck boat design is terrible.

Now let's do a silly one - Picasso before every portrait

My kid had so much fun playing 'Stuffed Animal Toss' with me today because she didn't recognize the new trashcan.

In-house security.

Going to an online portal sounds so much cooler than it actually is

Is not low hanging fruit still fruit?

I really can’t state strongly enough how utterly stupid this is. Once you eliminate taxes for a class you will never be able to bring them back. And it WILL domino. Eliminating taxes and privatizing everything is the republicans’ end goal. Do not help them!!!

Just stepped on a heavily-spiked Lego and saw my child's life flash before my eyes.

“All those moments will be lost in time, like cum in the rain…”

please, my tiny husband, he's sick

If you could speak to a computer program wearing your dead grandmother's face that was designed by a corporation to extract as much attention and money from you as possible, would you?

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

“Are they a proud people?” - my wife, just now, about Juggalos

“You could lose access to 6 years of your Gmail history” man I would like to lose access to the last 6 years of all history get out of here

Hot potatoes in your area looking to be held.

one theme running through toby's essay that i think deserves more emphasis is this: reactionary centrists like starmer are simultaneously bullying towards their own supporters and grovelling towards their opponents. it is this abject lack of self-respect that makes them seem so weak

Never forget.

Keir steps away from the podium, exhales, and leaves the room. He cannot wait to roll his sleeves back down and double button them.

happy birthday to the most powerful seatbelt of all time: Mom’s right arm

The most important thing to me as a mom is that my children have a lasting relationship with each other through shared bonding experiences.

Happy Mother’s Day to people who believe motherhood should be a choice and not a punishment.

Now that they have AI porn how can I tell if I'm jacking off to the real Shrek

Cute story: My adopted fifth child, a large pile of unwashed laundry that has grown sentient and is now learning to walk, surprised me with pancakes this morning!

Happy Mother's Day, everyone. All your hard work has not gone noticed.

What about piss?

Got the lucky toofs this morning.

i want to protect my family and dont like gas, so i bought the statistically most dangerous car ever produced, a $70,000+ road-obliterating 19 ton monstrosity powered by child labor lithium

I’m old enough to remember when only rich people had waterbeds and then when only poor people had waterbeds

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

Well I heard there was a secret sound/ the boys all make when they’re back in town

still my favourite scene from alien

I like how eyeglasses are really expensive and the official way to adjust them to fit your face is to bend them by squeezing them really really hard, but, not too hard

i hope they have the funeral at Four Seasons Landscaping

I've stopped cleaning my house for long enough that every time I hear a siren I think they are coming for me.

My 6yo and I were playing the alphabet game naming things around us on the walk to school. At 'P' I guessed a few, but they were wrong. She says 'Mum, a hint is that it's on a sign.' I still couldn't get it so she told me. It was a 'postrophe.'

counting crows, smashing pumpkins its a freaking halloween jamboroo over here

My 6yo and I were playing the alphabet game naming things around us on the walk to school. At 'P' I guessed a few, but they were wrong. She says 'Mum, a hint is that it's on a sign.' I still couldn't get it so she told me. It was a 'postrophe.'

your post was classified as a serious boo boo, adding four goofs to your account, which elevates your permanent record to a gold bungle. we're putting you in the no no zone for a week

I took the first photo of my 6yo playing with our kitten this morning and sent it to the fam. My 19yo sent the second photo back.

Pleasure Christ has a new bodyguard. (Her name is Mitzi.)

staged assassination attempts and all other forms of distraction from the Epstein files will continue until morale improves

The people in that emergency life raft are more relaxed than I’ve ever been

My 15yo convinced my 11yo to watch The Fly with him. Apparently she loved it so much she wrote a review.

people in the uk always acting like the sun paid their rent

I can't believe that, almost a year later, the Shrek gravestone still hasn't sold

photo is really driving the headline home

[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.