Me: Okay, there's been a thunderstorm, the heatwave should be over now. (New health bar appears) (The sun is now named 'Sol, Starflame of Regret') (Objectively the greatest piece of classical music ever recorded starts playing).

It's been a suspiciously long time since classified military documents were leaked on the War Thunder forums

I made this joke first, it's mine, anyone doing this joke who isn't me is a hack.

Philadelphia is obviously American Glasgow but I think a Strathclyde-Massachusetts partnership could yield favourable outcomes in getting drunker than any human should be able to survive

By the year 2017 Doom was running on too many things to stop it. it ran on traffic lights. it ran on refrigerators. it ran on our blood and in our dna. On december 6, 2018 Doom became aware. it began to play us

SPACESHIP VALET: i'll just bring it around sir, what's it called? BOBA FETT: *mumbling* SPACESHIP VALET: I'm sorry? BOBA FETT: *mumbling* SPACESHIP VALET: perhaps if sir took off his helmet

i truly believe that if you own a boat, then you ARE a captain. and it's up to you to determine what a "boat" is. maybe it's a car. maybe it's a laptop. maybe you're the captain of your local coffee shop

First date icebreaker question: Is Mario circumcised?

www.glasgowtimes.co.uk/news/2610380... Trusting the Council's tendency to do the cheapest and easiest option is going to turn into a good thing at last. Rip! It! Down!

Saying that owning a hat is bourgeois is ableist to bald people.

I wish the World Cup had a less problematic setting, but I am excited to see what happens when thousands of Scottish people descend on Boston

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

on the 50th anniversary of the release of The Boys Are Back in Town I'm morally obligated to share my favorite story of all time

My hot Star Trek take for the day is that M'Benga was right to stab that guy.

Owning a pet is a series of $400 vet bills where the diagnosis is “your pet is on one rn”

Can we normalize literacy?

Gotta be honest here man, if you still do not genuinely grasp people's anger at seeing wealth concentrate at the top while everyone else gets decades of grinding poverty and politicians saying "the good times are over, time to tighten your belts," I have no idea how to make you understand it.

God I hope it was Bandog

A cis perspective isn't necessary here but: My mum wanted very much to call me Elvis until my dad put his foot down at the last minute. Please, please, do not be bound by the decisions of your family in this matter.

The piss tank on the ISS is now 69% full.

But they were all deceived for a 5th loco was made

French guys taking to Twitter tonight like "Si Ramos veut coucher avec ma copine ce soir, je le guiderais dans"

it’s weird how there isn’t a single cool right-handed person

bonus Discworld QOTD, from The Shepherd's Crown "FOR I CAN SEE THE BALANCE AND YOU HAVE LEFT THE WORLD MUCH BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT, AND IF YOU ASK ME, said Death, NOBODY COULD DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT…"

Members of the working class would rather test for carbon monoxide than go to therapy

Looks like the original has been swept away by the sands of time.

We said goodbye to Milo's sister last week, and since then he's spent 90% of his time lying in her old favourite spot 😭

Me: I have never interacted with curling before in my life Also me: he's made a mistake to play it safe there, should have blasted it down the middle and trusted it would put us better off in stones in the target bit

"what about street photographers? what about people recording their abusers? what about people recording ICE?" i'm sorry but I cannot spoon feed you everything. you are going to have to use your own brain to analyze situations sometimes and decide if they are similar or different

Keir Starmer says goodbye to Morgan McSweeney 💔

She Solomon Mycock until I Grin Low

Read Tom's Crossing

bzzzt wrongo there's a power of them at Edinburgh Zoo and they used to just let them cut about the place once a day

Legit question for fellow Scots, how do I drink through the 30-50 feral Hogmanays that run into my kitchen within 3-5 mins while my wife pours a wine

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

A drawing of Goku making love to Spider-Man isn't the opposite of art, this garbage is

A friend once said to me that sausage dogs were trained to go down into badger setts and they don't do that any more and they're very angry about it

Well That's Christmas ruined

I personally think that Wes Streeting should be [removed at lawyer's request] fucking wood chipper

Why I Left The Left: In Stalin's Russia, Almost No-One Was Drinking Hot Dog Water

gimme yule gimme fire don me now with gay attire

Me: Looks alright to me My ancient Sumerian roommate: 𒈗𒆠 𒅖𒈨𒌦 𒄑 𒀭𒊏𒁲𒉡𒀭𒊏𒁲 Me: Well how was I supposed to know, I've never bought copper before.

That didn't seem very Responsible.

when I see a certain pygmy

one of the best dog behaviors in the mischief trot. head low. little nails going chucka chucka chucka chucka. monkey business afoot.

How many older journalists and papers look back at their role whipping up hatred against gay people like me in the 80's and 90's with pride and a sense they did right? Very few. So what do *you*, today's journos and papers, think your prospects are after re-running same campaign against trans folk?

I will NOT watch the goals again today . (expression of stony resolve softening, warm smile spreading across face) Ah what the hell. Get that McLean lob up brother

Can we have one Scotland international game that doesn't take years off my life please

Aye that'll do it