Daniel Plainview voice:

whenever i watch a football game I always find myself wondering who the winner is going to be

I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Kennedy Center.

sorry to share a tiktok but this felt important

Wow! Jesse Welles performed his song “Join ICE” on the Colbert Show last night. 🏆

@edsbs.bsky.social at some point you recommended a pen, I think it was a Japanese pen (I know, not super helpful since they're as obsessed as I am)- I bought one then lost it, and can't recall the name. I'm missing that pen in my life - any help is greatly appreciated.

Never change, Penn State and Indiana.

Gus lost a bet, right?

Someone said the Kool Aid man is a “small Kaiju” which I agree with. Is Ronald McDonald a cryptid?

Well, you can finally cross “I’ve seen a handcuffed, inflatable penis” off your bucket list

*pop*

Every team in college football lost Strength of Schedule today, which isn't even mathematically possible, but here we are.

Checking in on #LSU football and.... oh... oh my.

[after every single pitch] that’s baseball for ya

Opening the show with @celebrityhottub.bsky.social laughing like an unhinged Tickle Me Elmo is the greatest opening ever.

Not me ugly crying over Jane Goodall’s last words

Fames Janklin.

This should really exist here

This is parenting

I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

We have another "OH NO, DISASTER" at the end of the UNLV v Miami Ohio game @hollyanderson.bsky.social @edsbs.bsky.social @channel6.bsky.social

Me playing Super Smash Bros.

The piss tank on the ISS is now 34% full.

The piss tank on the ISS is now 24% full.

🏈 BAL 40 - 41 BUF FINAL ✅ That's Scorigami!! It's the 1092nd unique final score in NFL history.

hey man I don't give a shit what Nate Silver says

“not a big fan of the government”

BREAKING: Golden Corral getting rid of glory holes

Tremendous crossover move right here:

we used to build household shrines to Going On The Computer and it's no coincidence that as we abandoned these we started straying further from god's light

me working to solve the rising sea levels

pennsylvania hot dog spill

if i were a pro-trump financial type i might view the destruction of reliable government data with the kind of anger and apprehension that might lead me to reevaluate my politics, but then if i’m a financial guy throwing my weight behind strongman rule, i’m already too stupid to breathe

No need to make any more commercials. This is the best one ever.

One of the horrors of being a child of the 80s is that you will never rid your brain of the My Buddy theme. It will play in the night. It will play while you drink a Negroni. And then, just when you think you've gotten rid of My Buddy, the Kid Sister theme, even more eldritch, will begin.

Need to go see the first 3 Fantastics before I feel comfortable seeing the latest movie.

South Park: Fuck it, sue us. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afet...

I think everyone should be talking about lot more about how it’s clear the Epstein stuff is a palace coup with JD Vance trying to take over and how Trump had better be careful because they’re trying to fool him. This message should get to him a lot.

Disney ride where you get to Ratatouille a human who is walking through Disneyland. Then you get them on the Ratatouille ride....

ten days in, elon musk's america party is going stronger than ever. everybody's still talking about it. best of all, he remembers having started it

We live in a world where the Pope takes part in a White Sox chant at the Vatican

Thank you for confirming there was no snow yesterday. It was not clear prior to this official announcement.

We just got into a cab. Vir Rawal , if you see this, we have your diploma

r e m i n d e r

if you, as a citizen or a journalist or an opposition party, simply approach Republicans as thus, it'll provide clear direction: they cannot govern in a way that isn't corrupt and/or hateful, they do not care about people and they will whine their little bitch asses off if they don't get their way

“Tasted a little tear gas— tasted like fascism”

Happy birthday, Prince.

happy 21st anniversary to the best thing Ronald Reagan ever did