another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

Reports coming in from New Zealand that Santa used ChatGPT to compile the nice list; thousands of presents have been delivered to children who don’t exist

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, was present at the end of the universe, having witnessed every black hole evaporate and every proton decay. Even so, Death would not come.

Jesus, can you hear me? Good, the comms are working. Now, you're gonna need to run if you want to evade those Roman soldiers. Hold down A to sprint. Go ahead and try it. ... Good work! You just might be the savior yet. Now pick up that AR-15 and let's do some target practice.

i resent the ruling class so much. you guys made me care about Jimmy Kimmel, The Kennedy Center, and now 60 Minutes

Hey guy, telling your computer to tell my computer to tell me to touch more grass probably isn’t the W you were hoping for

we can kill them all if we just work together and ✨believe💫

the world has changed

I sincerely want Donkey Kong Bonanza to win Game of the Year tonight, solely because it is the easiest way to irritate the largest swath of toxic gamers.

No matter who ‘wins’ the Game of the Year tonight is completely irrelevant. This was the objective best game of this year. Nothing else has come close.

Me: Okay, begrudgingly I have to admit the psychiatrist was probably onto something with the ADHD diagnosis, but this whole "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" thing sounds way too fake. Also me: Pretty sure overthinking an awkward interaction with a stranger for 72 hours is normal.

Look all I’m saying is if three weirdo strangers showed up to see my baby carrying a bunch of spices and going on and on about how ‘tender and mild’ he looks, we’d have a problem

After 12 hours of overthinking, I've landed on-- hey, if you're retweeting icebreaker questions and liking my replies, I am reading that as "I enjoy interacting with strangers". You're allowed to change your mind, you're allowed to tell me to fuck off, but the mixed signals are not just me.

Well, I'm going to be over-thinking the hell out of that one. One person's "this reminds me of a funny related tangent" meets another person's "not relevent, why are you talking?" mixed with "How do you talk to strangers on BlueSky? On Twitch? On Instagram?" leads to weird things.

The real question is not "Why is Bluesky so left-coded," the real question is "Why can't the right exist in a social media environment without algorithmic assistance, where people can ignore them"

“AI is clearly sticking around so you have to get used to it” wrong. I don’t have to get used to shit. I am a practiced hater and I can keep this going for decades if I am required to

Hey girl, are you my phone on a snowy day? Because I've detected moisture in your charging port.

In related news, a bunch of transphobes have been trying to start an argument with me for the last couple of days and why would I engage in that when I could do pretty much anything else instead?

Can you please turn down your comfort noise so that I can hear my more important comfort noise thank you

just learned we won an award for our blog post about Tom Holland and stormwater management. remember, when you see an article about stormwater management, you repost it. i don’t make the rules.

#3157 A helpful tutorial

Just a reminder for anyone out there doing any early shopping for me… I do not want ANY birds (yes again) for Christmas this year. I don't care if you can get 2 turtle doves for the price of 1 or if there's a 4AM door-buster deal on French hens. Zero birds. None birds

QANON CULTIST IN 2017: "In this 1,879 page thread I will unravel the byzantine system of codewords and phrases the global elite use to mask their pedophile cabal." JEFFREY EPSTEIN WRITING AN EMAIL AT THE SAME TIME: "helo its me jeff had fun cmmitting sex crimes wit u lst weeknd"

Fellas, is it gay to love your wife?

Kansas City became a trans sanctuary city in 2023. It is a betrayal of your fans and our city to collaborate with a woman who has said, explicitly, that she will use money generated by the Harry Potter franchise to ruin trans lives. I am begging you to do better by us, @royals.com

"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...

It’s kinda dumb that there’s a character named Sauron and one named Saruman. That’s like having your two main villains named Becca and Rebecca.

I would do absolutely anything to sleep better except go to bed at a reasonable hour be serious please

You know what we donate to the local food pantries? We donate MONEY. Because they can turn that money into what those they serve need the most. I do not know what those folks need better than the food pantry does. So I give them my dollars and they turn them into something useful.

Guess I’ll just keep making dumb stuff until the earth explodes

ALT VERSION:

dude I'm getting ads to have a witch blast off my dick

Pecans Dead Poet's Society Smooth Criminal (MJ's original)

Also, it's Obama's fault no one can play video games as much anymore by limiting the computing power of consoles when he passed the Multi Process Regulation bill. Look up Obama MPReg to learn more

i don't mean to single out baseball fans here, because you see this in lots of fan communities, but in certain corners people talk as though baseball is real. they think all the players are real people and the stadiums are places you can actually visit. to each their own, but that cannot be healthy

SCOOP / UPDATE — Disney saw more than 1.7 million total paid streaming cancelations during the period 9/17-9/23, a Disney source confirms to me. The total includes Disney+, Hulu and ESPN.

Disney's facing an open letter from shareholders demanding they lay bare all actions and emails surrounding Kimmel's suspension on the grounds that the C-suite and board may have violated their responsibility to fiduciary loyalty and care... and I truly love that for them. Wishing them the worst. 💋

Someone said “what does this mean” So I’ll try this My mom once told me “Sometimes the only way to be a good Christian you gotta stop going to a bad church” If you believe in love and peace , and they CHOOSE otherwise It becomes your duty to leave

as a Chiefs fan who thinks women can have jobs, the best case scenario is when we're winning but Butker plays terribly

The reaction Disney fans are having makes think maybe the Harry Potter fans are just bigots who don’t care after all.

Since this whole debate is still happening, and since we are still not listening I will summarize what I understand the argument to be in the Lingua Franca of white nerds: Lord of the Rings analogies.

1 like = 1 like share if you agree

It’s crazy that in 20 years scamming has gone from “I’m a prince who needs to transfer his fortune to you” to “hey I have a halfway decent job with okay benefits right here”

🎶 we’re not gonna take it! 🎶 (a compliment)

Every year Nintendo releases something amazing in November, because apparently that's how holiday sales work? And every year I'm angry because I would never wait two months to buy something I want just for calendar milestones. I have things to do that month, dammit. What's so bad about Oct or Dec?

It's not lost on me in the midst of this eulogizing and memorializing a monster that my home state, Florida, has made it a crime to commemorate or remember the victims of the Pulse massacre. In America, only some deaths are considered grievable. The rest of us are just "collateral damage."