The congressional Democratic impulse to pivot everything to groceries makes it seem like they'd be cool with invading Greenland if there were a bunch of eggs there

Now when it ChatGPT tells you to kill yourself it can offer specific reasons why. "You're fat and gay. You'll probably get cancer anyway"

I know cops are morons but in a world with automatic transmissions how does shooting a driver stop a car from coming toward you? It’s not even unrelated it’s some other third thing

It is pretty funny that this man in particular – who has the gaunt face of a Victorian orphan child who died three weeks ago and the build of a low-effort scarecrow – would argue that might makes right

Songs should have to end, no more fading out bullshit. Your band isn’t in a car driving away

“I will not defend Nicolas Maduro.” I will. He has a luxurious mustache. He looks like he knows his way around a grill

I would enjoy it if someone, anyone in opposition would promise humiliating oversight hearings in the future along with a D-Day sized team of forensic accountants doing audits that feel like endoscopies for anyone who participates in this evil farce

I remember standing in the back of a comedy club while the crowd filed out after a Jeff Dunham show. A lady told her friend "That first puppet wasn't that funny, but that SECOND puppet..." Anyway, the news: "Grok apologizes"

Not me. I need the bluetooths on my Keurig and my vape to be able to connect for some soon-to-be-revealed scenario (My Keurig decides it wants to vape)

Taking an-entire-Army-battalion-with-a-hangover’s dose of aspirin every morning because I want nice thin blood

My takeaway from the WSJ piece on Trump's various self-imposed wasting diseases is that if you told him about James Garfield being treated with beef extract fed through his anus there's an 80% chance he'd demand it

A guy with a degree in dance spent last night getting his Ninja Turtle costume sniffed by a bomb dog so he could cry inside the head during this, how was your night

Almost had a stroke recently when I saw an AI nostalgia video for 2012. Yes we must retvrn to the year 'Skyfall' and 'Sexy and I Know It' came out. I'm sorry but you can't be wistful about a year I still have most of my same clothes from

There’s a couple Delta Force guys drunk at a beach bar in Venezuela who just got a text the president blew their cover on a morning radio show last week who are wondering if it was worth it just to steal all that cocaine

In a sane world if a 13-year-old kid lost $19,000 gambling on Roblox that would be Roblox's fucking problem. Unfortunately in ours they must continue to be allowed to operate as Casa Blanca for pedophiles

I’ve done an in depth study of song lyrics and I’ve discovered that society has become significantly less bootylicious

Hey if any of your were on the Lake Brantley High School dance team with my wife in about 1998 and ran into my mother in law recently please let me know what your name is I think one of either her or my wife is gonna have an aneurism

The heritage American shit is so funny. My family’s been here since the 1600s. They were Huguenots fleeing Catholic oppression who were given land by King James’ secret gay lover as a middle finger to the King of France

I’m a single issue voter I’ll vote for anyone who puts airline executives to death until this shit works

Feels cruel to make Cooper Flagg play on Christmas when he probably still believes in Santa

We have caught and compromised for the permanent end of Santa Claus

What stage of capitalism is my mom’s streaming TV fireplace being interrupted by an ad for a drug called Xolair Omalizumab

Puxatawny Phil predicting six more weeks of pedophiles

My normie ass mom knows who Bari Weiss is now. She’s asking me about Epstein. Cursed timeline

Report to the factory where your manager is a Big Tittied Anime chatbot who tells you to kill yourself

I have actually seen people apologize for being white but only when sending Thai food back for being too spicy

Erika Kirk flexes in the middle of the squared circle. She stares down a guy in a luchador mask with 'Trans Ideology' written on his chest. She jumps off the turnbuckle for a hurricanrana that shakes the arena. "Now we pray in remembrance of Charlie"

One of the great mysteries. Like which of my one roommates ate my leftovers, or where does mom go when she covers her face

If we were gonna accept being ruled by nonces we could’ve just stayed part of England

Donald Trump is ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ not ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ sexual trafficking of minors. ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ ◼️◼️◼️ case closed.

Being awoken at 7 am in your childhood bed after a 20-hour travel day is not the best way — but in retrospect maybe the only way — to learn your sister now has a bunch of pet birds

I woke up at 3 a.m. and am 15 hours into a 20-hour travel day because one dumb plane engine broke. I’ll vote for anyone who wants to either murder airline executives or shrink America

It's pretty amazing the parties have decided to trade ownership of an economy everyone hates until the end of time instead of solving the root cause, which is imo the fact everyone feels extracted from at every moment of every day and can't breath without being a profit center

My guess is they try an AI Trump making videos as president for between two and six months

"Turtle Island Resistance Front." New comically-named leftist militant group of likely made up of 86% feds just dropped

We're gonna get captured enemy soldiers to talk by only making them anime girlfriends with small boobs

"What are you doing about flight delays causing long layovers? Sure something about diminishing them?" "We're putting in a prison exercise yard"

If you hurry there’s still time to make my Top Ten End-of-Year Lists

"I watch a documentary called Landman and he is on the case. We will have all the oil and gas soon because of The Landman. When you ask our policy, I have two words: More Landman"

The Brandonings will continue until we elect a fully embalmed president

This is my emotional support tourniquet

They always want to tell a story with no villain so they don't have to take a side. Elon's a cartoonish murderous pervert and they won't even point at him, and he polls worse than unflushed gas station toilets

Lane’s in a hotel room right now with a bag of coke mediating a debate between his OnlyFans girlfriend and ChatGPT about which coaching job he should not finish next

As a Dallas sports fan watching Post Malone after Detroit rolled out Jack White and Eminem is like what it feels like sitting in traffic while thinking about Japan’s maglev trains

I heard that thanksgiving turkeys are physically too big to have sex. Let's just say… Myth: BUSTED

The Stranger Things kids look like they go to the school nurse to take statins