No one has ever said this before, but I think people would buy a poster of that Nikola Jokić dunk

“Beef” is a great example of why I hate the binge drop model because I think season two is pretty perfect TV but I’ll forget about it in three weeks

Realistically speaking, the most net positive way for a Republican Secretary of Labor to spend her day is banging her security detail and making her staff throw her a dog's number of birthday parties. She will be missed

Getting reports that Hormuz is now open but only for tanker captains that can complete a series of physical challenges then knock Nitro off the pedestal as a Human Cannonball

I do appreciate Kon Knueppel’s efforts these last two games on behalf of his good friend Cooper Flagg to humiliate all the soulless human calculator watches who host NBA podcasts

Nick Offerman is one of the best actors of his generation and more people should say it

“LaMelo Ball drives to end it” usually would involve a pink Land Rover with diamond rims hitting a stroller in a crosswalk

Always a great sign in a city of 12 million people when a GrubHub driver says “Good to see you again”

The other side of this is Private Equity buying up old music catalogues and pushing oldies back into the zeitgeist with the algorithms and media properties they own, so I'm not sure what a new band or artist is supposed to do except "Absolutely don't be Geese"

The graph guys don't understand this because you can't put "Sense of Fair Play" on a chart. Which is how they arrive at "Yes you're being fucked, but have far more Dorito options than your grandparents"

Possibly the most true but insane sounding things you can say is: “Trump isn’t Jesus because Trump wouldn’t rub a whore’s feet!”

A major problem we have is that too many powerful and influential people believe (at least subconsciously) that America is somehow magically insulated from decline and collapse. But whatever our Greatness it was achieved through policy choices and can be undone by other choices. It's happening now!

Just gonna triangulate one more time real quick

we should have a third industry besides AI and gambling

It's crazy to think that amid all the planets encircling all those stars, we probably live on the only one that has penguins or a lemonade that kills you

[I stick my head in your window unprompted] By the way,,,,,,,, I had nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. See ya later

The feds just sent a guy to federal prison for decades for moving a box of zines with a feminist movie review in them

The fact none of them have any light in their eyes makes me think there must be a secretly really bright light extremely well hidden

[With a voice that sounds like Starscream from Transformers gargled battery acid] "Now let's play Guess the Lines with Cousin Sal"

TONY: "Chris, get Pauly and call me back from an outside line. We got a problem with our friend from the Windy City in the dress" CHRIS: "Is that that Au Bon Pain thing?" TONY: "Avignon! It's AVIGNON. AVIGNON! And don't say it on the phone"

"No no no, it's multifunctional. It doesn't just make revenge porn targeting your children, it also takes your job. But don't worry, after we foreclose on your house we'll knock it down and build a data center"

The volume of conspiracy theories escalating about the moon landing because of Artemis is depressing. The moon is far away but you accept that people can be moved yes? The rest is just math, jet fuel, and huge metaphorical balls, and I guess some people don’t understand any of the three

Iran is a terror state that must be destroyed, so I have worked out a deal with them where every American man woman and child must Venmo them three to five dollars

I remember early last year the guy who founded Roblox saying "We built the modern world, why shouldn't we run it?" Fuckin' Roblox.

The 25th and impeachment are fine options I guess but you could also just make a trail of donuts that leads into IRGC custody

I am become death, destroyer of worlds, but at least I get to say r*tard*d at work

Chuck Schumer first draft: "The word 'entire' is too strong"

We must convene a council of wise philosophers to get ahead of Reddit on the question of whether it's gay if your A.I. sex robot turns out to be a Mechanical Turk remotely operated by a guy in Sri Lanka

Rene Descartes? The meteorologist?

Most modern day news headlines are "Zamboni Salesman Says Now The Right Time to Put All Your Money in Zambonis"

‘Pretty Lethal’ is a fun ass movie. I see it’s 68% on Rotten Tomatoes and I’m like it’s a movie about ballerinas who find themselves trapped in a hotel with Uma Thurman killing dudes with razor blades between their toes. Sorry it wasn’t also ‘Call Me By Your Name’ in the middle part

The Roger Goodell-ification of Adam Silver continues apace. Every problem must be confronted by making a confusing rulebook thicker, thereby looking busy. Which can only make things dumber, but temporarily solves his real problem, which is "People Somewhere Vaguely Being Mad at Adam Silver"

TO: [email protected] FROM: [email protected] Please refund. Chair defective, feet don't touch floor

My fellow Americans, we must return to the old ways. Which is why I'm ordering School Resource Officers to force kids to draw the Cool S inside their Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers (I also used the Defense Production Act to nationalize factories and restart the manufacturing of Trapper Keepers)

That can’t be right I’ve watched the 60 Minutes special on the Knockout Game seventy-six times

Mark Zuckerberg every night to Metaverse Mark Zuckerberg with no legs

I gotta admits, legitimizing assassinations and kidnappings as war tactics then sending JD to the Middle East is a great bit

The biggest difference with ICE in the airports is everyone will have to take their shoes off again just because the agents want to look at feet

At the end of a 13-hour travel day we have a Lyft driver who slows down at green lights and stops at yellow lights. This throbbing in my neck and blurry vision are probably unrelated it’s fine

Backlash to higher fuel mileage standards led to a MCHA movement that promoted the Cars drinking raw crude

I’m dying. A cop really testified in court that he couldn’t be sure Afroman wasn’t fucking his wife all in a lying effort to receive zero dollars

"Ohgodogod I'm about to bust! FUCK nevermind I can't find my wallet"

By putting on the best talent show that this town's ever seen

Everything I see from Keir Starmer is basically: "I see this problem, and I promise to do nothing. But I will form a committee to consider forming a panel to formulate a plan to possibly do slightly less nothing at a future date"

I get really mad about Best Picture because there can be only one movie judged good every year and that’s the rules

Tired: War is God's way of teaching Americans geography Wired: We tried to show the President a map and he ate it

My parents barely told me their names. What the fuck are y’all doing