I bet when RFK Jr. busts it sounds like a dump truck's gears grinding while it hits a Saint Bernard, which real life RFK Jr. would take home and make into a chili

"Sir it's been live for an hour and there's already three million videos of Goofy fucking Pluto while the users joke about if it's beastiality"

Feeling embarrassingly unproductive that Epstein was apparently a Zero Inbox guy

I'm not sure whether it's an effect of True Crime or lawyer shows or the American instinct to retreat to first principles to seem high-minded like we're doing Moot Court, but we have lost the ability to look at damning circumstantial evidence and be like "Yeah that motherfucker did that shit"

I have watched thus florty slevin times the last two days and cried every one

I need my movies where a guy does parkour judo on top of maglev trains in a three-piece suit to be emotionally grounded

Imagine heading into work with a fresh cup of coffee and getting a Shams alert that three months from now you’ll be found in a running car in a garage after your wife leaves

“Americans will remember the losers who lost on purpose, and take our side, in hopes that we gain resolve that we don’t have, then we will definitely surrender again”

I’ve typed and deleted about 14 responses to lying coward politicians who I hope die in as much pain as they are complicit in, how is everyone else

I’m not sure how “moderate” and “coward” became synonymous. Surely someone who’s for moderate marginal tax rates once charged a machine gun nest or held up under questioning. Hell of a sales job

I’m hearing Chuck Schumer traded Luka

James Madison pitching the third amendment: "Greg Bovino shan't be entitled to tacos for a late lunch"

It's fun that he's gonna keep running for lesser and lesser offices until he wins. I congratulate future Andrew Cuomo on spending $4 million of Bill Ackman's money to win 6th grade class president on a platform of "Homework Stinks"

Rapidly trying to shove the pee buckets and pears of anguish into the closet before mom and dad get home

I wish the sandwich was a po' boy so we could call it jury nullificajun

"You have my sword"

Consider, Sam Altman will spend some of this money on sodas and name brand snacks

Nancy Pelosi: "I want to spend more time insider trading with my family"

"They call him the Flasher Slasher Crasher Masher. He shows people his dick, then stabs them, then runs them over with free city buses. Then he hands out bracelets to teens that represent sex acts. Also, he started a new gang that's twice as bad called MS-26"

The Centrist Punditburo Nerdstasi constantly talks politics but never values. “Caring about people and actually giving a shit to your core if they are being fucked” is every single person’s number one issue, but it isn’t a thing you can poll

if democrats are serious about winning they need to learn from tonight and convert to islam

Andrew Cuomo removes his Female Body Inspector hat, his watch has ended. Bagpipes play as he sadly honks some consolation bazongas

A second Will & Grace reboot where Grace is a "ther doing Shania Law!" person, Karen is QAnon, and Jack is Nick Fuentes

"Your honor, we have reason to believe this was a Communist plot because the sandwich was a Cuban"

"Point of clarification agent, you're saying he put some mustard on it? He put some mustard on the mustard? Let the record show the officer alleges double mustard"

This kind of thing has always been inconceivable to me. "I'm calling a moving truck because of the mayor." Do you know how you sound? "I'm disconnecting my electricity because of the comptroller." "I'm packing my dishes in newspaper, I'm not inspired by the dog catcher"

Today in our “Everyone is 12” dystopia: … Is this horse cop beating a guy with a homemade wooden katana?

This is amazing

"The cops remind me of the people I grew up with." "Ok, what about the protesters they're beating, the people being conscripted to Southeast Asia to walk through minefields and breathe chemical agents, and the farmers they're being tasked to kill?" "... Who?"

I'm sorry this is so fucking funny. The transitions from the cool guy montage set to "Many Men," to sounding like Milhouse while you narrate buying energy drinks in a corner store, to the slo-mo 'wearing of a tactical helmet in a parking lot.' We live in a Dictatorship of Dwight Schrutes

Richest country in the history of the known universe: Take your hungry kids Trick or Beansin’

It is pretty funny that he's doing all this in an effort to rewrite the top of his obituary and in a Monkey's Paw way he has probably succeeded

They didn’t just watch Sicario, they watched Sicario and thought the takeaway was “The drug war is good, we are the good guys, and it’s going well”

Trump's bootleg Iron Bank is the guy who once sued a guy because he thought he found Amelia Earhart but lied to him about it www.wyomingnewsnow.tv/news/federal...

I know there’s little sports discourse on this site but I just wanna say I hope Nico Harrison falls into an open sewer and dies, carry on

I have a practical question about the survivability of delivery robots. Has anyone in any of these meetings who's visited the real world ever been like "Ok but everyone will beat them with bats" or "Someone's gonna build Rube Goldberg robot traps for TikTok" slate.com/technology/2...

They call him Mr. Big Shot, they're saying it more and more. He bought a lot of BarronCoin, great guy. I don't know about the cards, it's just cards, I like Pinochle, I always thought it was spelled Pee-knuckle, like when you pee on your hands. We're looking at it strongly

Doing the "Of course I peed my pants, everybody pees their pants, it's the coolest!" bit from Billy Madison except it's everyone getting Nazi tattoos

The new tattoo is of "Jeffrey Epstein? The financier?"

As part of the tattoo vetting process every candidate in a primary should post nudes. Each candidate can decide whether tasteful

"Bill Barr,,,, whose dad was an OSS officer and gave Epstein a teaching job he was unqualified for so he could hit on the girl students,,,, says everything was on the up and up"

This has led me to contemplate a new person: The LinkedIn ICE Goon: "Your 20s are not for making friends, they are for being an aggro mall cop. The key to making quota is micro-dosing naps between Zyns and the screams of children. Then I have ChatGPT make instructions on snare traps for Haitians."

Walking through the locker room at the gym and a buck naked dude started getting dressed socks first, then t-shirt. For maximum chaos I’m gonna assume the order continued: hat, then glasses, watch, shoes, scarf

Went to the pharmacy counter to ask for the good Sudafed that actually works and the guy asked if I just wanted one box or “the maximum amount.” Glad to know CVS supports my right to cook meth for personal use

A downstream effect of a lot of journalists now being nepo babies is that they don't know any criminals or dirtbags, so they don't ask themselves questions like "Why would the cartels pay money to kill the Feds who are accidentally helping them make more money?"

The pitch for this shit is "It's handy dandy tutor that can replace google and your secretary, write code, do your homework, fly drones and do wars, drive cars, make movies, be your best friend, cure cancer, and also you can fuck it." It's like you asked to see its resume and it's this:

Mark Cuban’s whole argument about Steve Ballmer continues to be: “No you don’t get it, for rich people fraud is legal”

The only actual use case here is perverts putting themselves in sex scenes with Daenerys but the key to this whole industry is that everyone must pretend to have been born yesterday. The naivete is load bearing.

The cold open to tonight’s Task is one of the best episodes of TV I’ve ever seen

If Joel Embiid can find some stairs to fall down right now we can call this the most Philadelphia sports night of all time