Never had better proof that I’m a latent gambling addict than how upset I am to be this robbed by the remember-some-guys roulette wheel

California’s stupid long lag time when tabulating votes being seen as evidence of fraud is even stupider to me. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but who takes longer to not count ?

It's me, I ran this scam. I just really wanted to pay a $4,000 deductable to have my prescription not be covered after the in-network doctor I hate sent it to the wrong pharmacy

One of my favorite episodes of 'Veep' is the one where Amy is tasked to find out who anonymously called the president the c-word and when pressed everyone confesses. Anyway,

Luke Kornet just changed the tides of history. Unreal

If a team I cared about was in this game I’d either be blackout drunk or bleeding out after headbutting a glass door

I had to run to the store during the game but left it on and my wife’s recap of what happened (not knowing or caring anything about basketball) was that SGA makes a lot of stupid faces

Sure, you may be concerned that the president is always going to the hospital. What you haven't considered is that he was in close contact with Jair Bolsonaro, and merely caught a case of going of Always Going to the Hospital-itis. Fortunately, the treatment is, and you're never going to guess-

How are refs not embarrassed by SGA’s bullshit? If I was a bank teller who kept getting robbed by a guy playing peekaboo I might stop handing the cash over

Skateboarding Homer Simpson Makes Successful Jump Across 80% of Springfield Gorge

Mark Daigneault always makes a face like he’s watching a chihuahua try to fuck a bull mastiff

One of my best friends was Jim Bob in primary school, Jimmy in elementary, James Robert in middle, and J.R. in high school. Is my understanding correct that a teacher would need a note from his parents to go along with each change or our school would have lost federal funding? Small government!

Descending from a mountaintop with a recipe for a casserole and presenting it to Zoomers like it's a lost scroll

“We have acquired James Harden,,, for the playoffs”

I, the most annoying politician in the world, rise with a modest proposal. Donald Trump's plan for Universal Basic Income for right-wing pedophiles needs just one thing: Means testing

Let's hope it's a Bulworth type scenario where he's started rapping and is on the run from a hitman he paid to kill himself. Finally we arrive at the reason I once watched Bulworth, to prepare for this

Cuba has prepared to defend itself from the attack we keep bragging about preparing for. So obviously, the means that we must, regretfully, attack

Frank's argument is that woke stuff costs Dem votes. I wonder how many votes it cost the party when he was caught using staff to get the guy he was paying for sex out a bunch of parking tickets

"What do they have?" High speed trains, a growing middle class, and A.I. that fixes power lines instead of making revenge porn. You will make do with the New Orleans Pelicans and "Madame Web"

The zoo animal aspect of this is a persistent bubble phenomenon. The lede on this is "A lady who works at the liquor store don't read that good." Yeah mean we know because we talk to fifty of that lady every day. We change the subject because she makes a mean potato salad and her kid can hit dingers

You can call it a pressure campaign if you want but Polis made it clear he really wants to do this and looked forward to it. I can't really talk about this shit without sounding like a corny "West Wing" character but any words used to describe this crime literally are far too small. Fuck Jared Polis

People that think A.I.'s are conscious should have to hold funerals for their Alexas like how red states have fetal burial laws

Not sure what I expected it to be like, but “Widow’s Bay” is funny as shit so far. Fully recommend

Down 7 with 1:10 to go, James Harden just passed up an open three to drive and throw the ball away. Just an elite playoff under-performer Always in the lab, figuring out ways to not get it done Just when you count him out? That’s when he’s already out, at home, in a bubble bath

Pretending to be your own mom to tell yourself that you’re a good boy is very Norman Bates Coded except Bates ran a successful business

I gotta be honest, "Eat your vegetables or you will be visited by Plumbert" will probably work

This is the worst Magic showing in memory and the president just almost died watching a mentalist

Hawks haven't been this embarrassed since they couldn't reopen Hormuz

Why is she dressed like she’s announcing to Gotham she’s about to avenge Ra’s Al Ghul

"I knew a lot of guys in the mob, but no one who ever waited tables"

imagine a future where you could...jack off

An Israeli mob associate with ties to black street gangs you say

Oh man what a crazy way for it to seem. Things really shouldn't seem a way

Borrowing your "Free James Comey" sign for a minute to add "... For This Maybe, But Definitely Lock Him Up for Other Shit"

"Today I'm introducing the Let Cops Have a Lil' Bite of Your Ice Cream Act. It's not what you think. It'll just let cops have a lil' bite of your ice cream. This is part of my plan to annoy the everloving shit out of everyone until I am free to go back to selling weed on my weird bicycle"

i stg if i lost a follower

This guy might turn out to be the rare mass shooter who's a normie resistance lib, but it's mind boggling to me the DC press can only imagine one reason to kill Trump. Their worlds are so small and boring

Three?!! A guy is in prison for trying to kill Trump with a forklift in Nevada and that’s barely in the top three attempts just in Nevada

If we're gonna have the death penalty I think we should bring back firing squads because they are more honest and less painful than the current sanitized-for-observers methods, but I assume their reason for it is "Don Jr. wants to kill a man without having to fly to a secret island"

Introducing 17-year-old Lithuanian models to 46-year-old businessmen ?

James Dolan trying to figure out if he can contract Palantir to guard CJ McCollum

A Michael Jackson movie?? If I wanted to see a dang pedophile talk about being Bad and Beat It (the allegations) I'd turn da TV to the damn White House

This is the sound of an asthmatic Saint Bernard fucking on top

*I* knew Mandelson was covered in Epstein grime and I’m a dipshit without a security clearance who lives in another fucking country. When did it become so impossible to just say “You’re fucking lying and I can’t bare pretending to be dumb enough to believe you”

Just remembered this story and wondered how many times links to it have been dropped into LEGO's company Slack in the last month

Yelling "THEY SHOULDA WORRIED ABOUT RBIs INSTEAD OFF DEIs" at bobbleheads that I am pretending are my ex-wife and kids

No one has ever said this before, but I think people would buy a poster of that Nikola Jokić dunk

“Beef” is a great example of why I hate the binge drop model because I think season two is pretty perfect TV but I’ll forget about it in three weeks

Realistically speaking, the most net positive way for a Republican Secretary of Labor to spend her day is banging her security detail and making her staff throw her a dog's number of birthday parties. She will be missed