Trump bombed Orlando from the air instead of sending in ground troops because he's a chicken. Chickens lay eggs. How does this help the high cost of eggs

Crazy they’re trying to shut it down when Antifa seems to be the only organization hiring

These kinda polls always kill me. The average American seems to think America is 40% black, 40% Latino, 20% Muslim, 20% Jewish, 25% gay and 20% trans. Somewhere in there must be a crossover group who spends all day looking for halal kosher hormones and coming out to their nine sets of parents

It's kind of funny the pitch is always the same. "The people who get paid to coach pandering think you should pander better." I wonder if Best Buy thinks I could use a new smart TV

Maam you cannot scare Office Depot employees. They have been damned to every hell by moms over bake sale posters. They get paid in pills to provide tech alibis for late term papers. They’ve printed flyers for bands so bad you wouldn’t believe

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook, and by gum it put them on the map

Good luck to everyone constantly trying to retroactively organize the thoughts of these shooters. The "Bella Ciao" thing is an Italian anti-fascist anthem yes but it's also the chorus to a song from the Netflix show "Money Heist" youtu.be/l5TMjYj-8MQ?...

I never thought about it but of course our braindead version of The Years of Lead would include the political assassination of YouTubers

*Six months later* They should call it The Jerk Store Law

To be fair it does track that there’s a big crossover between pedophiles and grown adults who make a big deal out of their birthdays

It’s funny to me that defenses of Steve Ballmer basically amount to “CAN YOU BELIEVE A RICH GUY WOULD BE SO STUPID” and you’re talking about a guy who gets Christmas morning-level excited about toilets and created the Zune

The Wahhabists become my lobotomists when I sit down at the table and accidentally call MBS 'IBS'

America's climate Stalin in 2029 achieving a universal gun ban by passing a bill inverting everyone's pronouns

The Thielsphere should see today’s boat strike as a shot across the bow of the billionaire seasteading immortal clone pedophile movement

Not a professional drug smuggler here but I have notes. It's a small boat and there's too many people weighing it down. You'd need to make five trips just to supply a three-hour bachelor party at Top Golf

The people who want this are incomprehensible to me. Sure, mediums are crooks, but at least they were offering to contact the actual person. These people are like "Our service is that we have taped your dead relative's drivers license photo to the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic gorilla"

The people saying you shouldn’t celebrate because he might be alive are trying to deprive you of extra Christmases

My wife just tried on a sailor hat she bought on the internet. I asked her why and she just said "No"

Cooking up a theory that occupying DC is about preventing dancing in the streets in the lead up to a state funeral

Sky good

In Arkham interview Harley Quinn tells Mayor Oswald Cobblepot's lawyer that she never saw him in the Joker's hideout

"I gave my life to Christ in a Cracker Barrel parking lot" is Action Bronson trying to ghostwrite for Forgiato BLOW

This is Bane giving a speech to his followers urging them to take Gotham so he can redecorate the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company

Every sergeant at Fort Bragg by next Thursday

I dunno guys I didn't go to business school but I'm suffering "muted demand" while also siccing federal rape goons on my customers and their employees, can someone help me connect these dots www.404media.co/home-depot-a...

I get the fantasy but have never understood wanting flying cars in our reality. I've seen how people glitch at four-way stops and have no desire to add a Y-axis

Shooting an album cover for my nu metal band that rewrites Limp Bizkit songs to be about Cialis

Resident Alien, great show, amazing finale. Not sure I thought it was possible to make a hilarious show where the theme was that humanity’s super power is kindness while the bit was tricking aliens into saying ball sack

"In the future, cop ex-wives come pre-stalked"

A good bit for after he pardons Ghislaine would be for Trump to say "Oh I thought you meant 'Release the Epstein 'Philes"

Bourdain biopic should be a revisionist history inglorious bastards style where he kills Kissinger

Not sure why HBO didn’t feel like telling anyone about it but ‘Freaky Tales’ is one of the more fun movies I’ve seen in a while. Pedro Pascal, Ben Mendelsohn, Marshawn Lynch. Too $hort plays a cop. A hip hop Goonies Pulp Fiction kinda? Punk antifas kill Nazis. 83 stars out of five

"Do you want chicken nuggets?" "It's an interesting question. Chicken is food and I do require sustenance. And nuggets are a shape, if not a specific one. When I do have nuggets, I prefer honey mustard, which may have been consumed as early as Ancient Rome. Honey Mustard is also the name comic book"

Every day there’s a never heard before sentence that if you said it a week prior would lead to a 48-hour involuntary psych hold

They should at least let us bet on the next athlete to get arrested for gambling scams

Econ 101 in 2130: “If you turn to the chapter on The Greater Depression you’ll see the dip into Zimbabwe style hyperinflation started here, when a newspaper found a picture of the president naked in a dollhouse. Uh moving on”

Guy in The Prestige walks out on stage. “For my next trick I’m going to have an identical twin”

I feel like a lot of people are asking this even though they know, they just don’t like the answer. It’s Gaza. The U.S. government’s handling of Israel is so disconnected from public sentiment and campaign promises that a ton of people have turned to conspiracy theories and Trump reads his replies

Whether it's burning down government buildings over small changes to government benefits or not being busybodies about other people's affairs, I'll continue to say it – We need to become more French

After years of struggle today my Self Destructing Pedophile Birthday Card business is finally booming

Allow me to translate: "I have just insider traded Deutsche Bank stock"

Centrist/Moderate is great branding because it implies reasonableness but there's nothing reasonable about stubbornly clinging to pro-business and pro-upper class politics when the country is falling apart. This is an ideology like any other, and it's a bad one

This lady right after blowing the Diddy trial and watching a bunch of morons celebrate by pouring baby oil on each other: "At least this month can't get weirder or worse"

This lady is currently living out the backstory for the bizarro evil version of Mamma Mia

Al Qaeda polled better than No on Sept. 12th

Mainline Dems trying to talk about this stuff need to realize you can't fake crazy, you sound like a white person who spent sophomore year abroad saying agua in a Mexican restaurant

What if they won’t release the Epstein files because they just say: “Guys he’s just in international finance and it’s just like that” and the Panama Papers are attached