"and another thing: i haven't lost the Mandate of Heaven. please don't put in the newspaper that i lost the Mandate of Heaven."

I will go up to the six-fingered man and say... "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

I love this for the Secret Service, who would otherwise be spending their time trying (and failing) to intimidate people for mean posts about JD Vance

babe wake up the ailing pedophile antichrist president is manic again

(smugly) oh, your humiliation took a whole century?

Donald Trump and I have two things in common: a love of musical theatre and utter contempt for Donald Trump's supporters.

America, just like the Wu-Tang Clan, is for the people, regardless of their point of origin or their lineage.

~295 years ago, Leonard Vernadeau fled Limoges to escape Catholics and the Bourbons, and landed in Charleston to trade hides and run liquor down the Savannah River. He lived to see 6 sons fight in the Revolution. My roots here extend at least that far, and Nazi blood and soil chuds can kiss my ass.

Myself and a random couple got on an elevator with some teenage boys already on board. As we begin moving, one of the boys farts. Not to be outdone, his bro farts back. As they got off, the lady said "grow up a little!" One of the boys shouted back "YOU GROW UP A LITTLE!" Now I'm cracking up

Finally some good news

Ah if Trump speaks at 11, he doesn't have to give a two hour speech. That bitchass can beg off after ten minutes in the name of starting the fireworks

I am genuinely a believer in the notion that at a certain point after all due diligence has been done it is interfering with human freedom to try to prevent people from endangering themselves, god fucking speed I say as I take a long drag on my cigarette

we’re about to see the first american struck by lightning, fireworks, and a fighter jet at the same time

The security guard at the door:

if history teaches us one thing it’s that it can always get funnier

Wait did DC start the fireworks? TF is Fox News showing right view

Split screen of Mamdani's New York flawlessly executing fireworks in a cloudless sky might be a little on the nose, though

Trump engineering a series of consecutive catastrophes for the 250th as perfectly as the ending to The China Syndrome. What a showman.

Sometimes if people want to get hit by lightning you just let them

I support everybody's decision to stay. I think they should probably climb something tall for a better view

While we're waiting for Zeus who wears the aegis to deep fry some dipshits, please enjoy a stupid song I wrote this morning (To the tune of Bad Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce)

🎶 From the South side of Chicago Come a doctor of Canon Law Now he's Pontifex Defending Christus Rex Against Lefebvrist cardinals Pope Leo more than trouble If the Tradcaths want to fight 'Cause if you're gonna pray To the Mater Dei You better get your titles right 🎶

Dear Leader's party being ruined makes this an especially great 4th of July. No Kings, you dumb son of a bitch!

F A C T S

Having a baby means I’ve gone from “amateur fireworks are annoying and dangerous, but whatever, as long as it’s just on the actual 4th” to “if you bastards wake up my baby with your boom booms I will drive my car into your house”

I like how BlueSky is live posting the July 4th disaster in D.C. as if it's a sporting event

I hope as many stupid motherfuckers get hit by lightning as possible. I'm a simple woman, and not a nice one.

the provinces decline to offer tribute, the armies return in defeat, the temple of the arts has closed its doors, and the name of the Emperor is scoured from the palaces by his own magistrates. now the sun and storms turn against him. the Mandate is lost.

the endless jet overflights coupled with everything else that has been happening in the DMV lately is really caudillo coded

The worst people in the world putting themselves unnecessarily in harm's way is the most patriotic thing they could do, if the clouds have the courage to do what's right

I just flipped past Fox News to hear them declare that there are 150,000 people waiting to hear Trump speak?? Is that in literally any way accurate??

Paraguay accomplished its mission which was to play the most disgusting anti-football possible and to also get Germany’s coach fired

Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish — theonion.com/nation-turns...

they are trying to repeal everything this country has achieved since 1865 and we will, like the hero born of woman, crush the serpent beneath the heel

a tip of the hat to Paraguay, who never lost sight of their football ideals -- trying to start fights where you can blame the other guy for fighting back

It almost feels like deciding to have a special parasite class that sits atop all institutions might not be beneficial when it comes to actually making things and paying the people who make them?

Pausa de hidratación

Putting on my Paraguay jersey and going out to pick fights with strangers then fall on the ground writhing in pain

Oh, I like this. Confederate flag images and portrait bonfires, another custom we can appropriate from the British to unify the country around punishing traitors

Sorry to lib out but I guess my thought on the Fourth is that if it wasn’t possible for this country to really be an egalitarian multiracial democracy someday, the most disgusting people alive wouldn’t be trying so hard to foreclose that possibility

The Normans Must Fall

Anyway if you enjoyed that CONCACAF-ing then I hope you’re all ready for what the ref is going to decide is fine actually in the Azteca tomorrow to avoid being drowned in bags of piss

Me sowing, 1776: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping, 2026: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

My favourite anti-Irish joke is still this exchange in 30 Rock.

Kalaloch Beach, Olympic National Park #NPS #NationalParkService #OlympicNationalPark

WAIT I JUST GOT BACK TO MY ROOM MOROCCO BEAT CANADA?? FOR REALSIES?

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ The thing 🕯️ 🕯️ happening 🕯️ 🕯️mid-July 4th 🕯️ 🕯️ speech 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

Real haters don't leap. They wait and watch. They know the true reasons for hating will be Revealed

Also, if you live in a state with adult -use weed, and you use it, you have at least one reason to be a *little* grateful and happy to be here.

It’s the two hundredth anniversary of two United States presidents doing something very specific on the same day and it would be nice to commemorate that thing specifically. Happy fourth.