Every week the same truck comes to my house and steals all my trash

"What do voters like?" "Erm... estate agents?"

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You smell of bins.

Similarly, I live near a busy road but there is nothing at all to stop me taking my kids and setting up a table in the road and us having our evening meal there, except for all the cars and vans that are driving at speed on it.

Steve is giving hot stone massages again, despite having no public liability insurance. I'm going to have to have a word with him.

Watch Would I Lie To You? The Unseen Bits TONIGHT (8.30pm BBC1) to hear a bonus truth from me. OR is it an extra lie? Only one thing is sure, I am a dynamo on screen. Look at that energy.

Popular with away fans, I hear.

but why asterisk it?

Or, you could build a rocket to fly you and your rich mates into space.

PHOTO OF THE DAY. The Beatles during the filming of their 2nd film Help! (1965). 📷 Robert Whitaker

More Malatesta

This is a lovely thing that Ian does, see below.

Another day, another stupid Excel chart.

With talk of oil hitting $100 a barrel, let's remember a pre Radio 2 Rylan getting confused by the concept

@nickasbury.bsky.social a little treat for you

Stressful day yesterday. One of the smaller, shyer parts of Stonehenge drank too much and got “lost”. We finally found it, looking rather disorientated in this random field 100+ miles away. Now finally been loaded into van ready to be transported home. Everyone tired and emotional but v relieved.

It's not for me to say whether I am a big deal or not but this very morning the bin men have replaced my very tatty cardboard recycling bag with a new one.

"Oh, here he comes, thinking he's Mr Big Pebbles."

Robust, flame-retardant zeppelins.

Hold on a second, I just found out that I have been bought in the Hundred auction. Someone was ironically picking their nose & to cut a long story short I now need to find out where Welsh Fire is & to make sure they get best value for the £12.50 plus expenses they paid www.bbc.co.uk/sport/cricke...

#TirrenoAdriatico delivering an absolutely sexy finish today 🥵

Why stop there, why not get UFC fighters to train dinner ladies? Infant school kids would think twice about not putting their trays away..

I’ll be using this new Morrissey excuse at some point: ‘I’m not not turning up for my shift. Circumstances have rendered my attendance impossible…’

There still seems to be a lot of chat about Winston Churchill being replaced by a badger on the new bank notes. My contribution is that - so far as I am aware Winston Churchill has never dug up and eaten the potatoes and carrots in my allotment, nor gone through my food recycling bin. Enough said.

I'm sorry but it's just going to sound like tramps coughing.

Social media in one image.

Can this be a solution?

Those double thickness Waitrose bags for life. Fill those up, tie up the top, fill car boot. Drive very carefully.

Principles of Boogie Management.

Reading something about how (depending on the platform) something like 1% to 10% of people actually post or interact and everyone else just passively scrolls. We need more people to become posters or at least repliers, otherwise we're going to keep getting the same three jokes about coddle forever

Loving these new 'Best of British' banknotes.

The BBC are really going out of their way to not call these The Peter Files.

The Champions League last 16 is going to be renamed the Foinavon Round in England.

Liverpool only being one goal down suddenly seems to be a decent result

MrBeast (Series, 2015 - )

A compromise we can all get behind surely

I think this would be great Ed.

I just know that I know that name from somewhere: did she win a bronze for Team GB in the dressage, maybe?

At the moment Chelsea will be going through on away goals. Eh? Oh.

Low-level red kite this afternoon.

Won't someone think of the Premier League coefficient?

Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

The sound you can hear at the moment is football writers hastily deleting their think pieces “is the Premier League too strong and so ruining the Champions League?”

someone made me drink several strong Belgian beers, and a glass or two of wine last night. When I find who was responsible there will be repercussions.

Andorra is situated between France and Spain, in what I like to call the Pyreneeum.

I understand that 274 Reform voters have been hospitalised with high blood pressure moments after seeing this. Be careful who you share this with.

Honestly can’t believe what the Bank of England is putting on our great British fiver

I don't need fun to have alcohol.