"If Somalia bought Fulham, I'd forgive them all the piracy, I really would."

Very pleased to be back in the Stak studios for the coming soon "Ian Fiveankles Show". . .

Insights from Steve "Bouldy" Bould as to why Arsenal are so hated right now. With unbiased interview from yours truly.

"The War in Iran was started by WOKES!" Colin from Portsmouth says that the war is a ruse by carbon neutral lobbyists to put up the price of oil so we all start investing in green energy.

Good to see the President consulting Luis Suárez on the Middle East. He'll get his teeth into this, for sure.

If football was a foreign exchange programme from the 1980s.

"I'm shocked, Anthony! Peter Mandelson and Prince Andrew seemed like such stand up, decent blokes!" Colin from Portsmouth can't believe the Epstein findings.

POV Abraham Lincoln invites you to the theatre.

Heavy sighs, repressed emotions, and, erm, penalty decisions. . .

If the history of life on earth is condensed into a single day, then humans did not appear until 11:59pm and 59 seconds, so one second before midnight. And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.

It weren't like this in my day.

When I went back to Derby County, I booed myself in my own face.

In advance of a live appearance this evening in Bethnal Green (tickets here: backyardcomedyclub.co.uk/event/link/?...) I am reminded of another speaking engagement a few years ago:

Dishing the dirt. On myself. #Fiveankles #PrincessAnne #Football

I have sympathy for Ekitike. Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better: 🧵 1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.

Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.

Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .

The Premier League is back! Liverpool will concede. Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football. Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .

My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.

Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.

Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.

Man Utd probably need more than hope, nostalgia and Bruno Fernandes if they’ve going to get anything from this game.

Second half begins. United look like scolded kittens. Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.

Spurs score the kind of goal the game deserved. A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”. Scenes.

Something quite insane thinking about how one of these teams will be playing the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid next season.

Both sides showing strong ability to not-quite-be-in-control of anything. Exciting though.

Would be interested to see the xG stats here. Man Utd all over it so far.

EVERYTHING to play for. Here we go. 16th v 17th for a place in the Champions League. Absolute glorious nonsense.

Ange Postecoglu is notably NOT wearing his Coko the Clown outfit and I think that is a measure of the man. Sending a strong message to his doubters.

An important announcement ahead of the Europa League Final. . .

Either Spurs or Man U are going to end up in the Champions League next season. Reminds me of the time I got promoted after finishing 9th because four clubs above us went bankrupt.

I reckon it's time a British cardinal threw his mitre in the ring. We're not going to compete at international masses without a homegrown pope in charge.

I don't understand this one.

Which item is likely to impress Denise the most?

“Liverpool’s title win completes Premier League Fibonacci sequence”. . .bloody hell, football analysis has come a long way since Andy Townsend’s Tactic Truck, where he’d sit in a car park and bark his appreciation of professional fouls.

Are YOU a paid up member of the Gu Ramekin-hoarding tofu-eating wokerati? T-shirt available now! www.podcastmerch.co.uk/exploding-he...

Liverpool are about to win the Premier League and I am LIVID about it: youtu.be/YykwLGebFvg?...

Colin talks such sh*t it makes my blood boil. . .

There is no one more clinical at finishing with his right testicle than Luis Diaz. #Liverpool #wolves

Had a top top top top time with TNT Sports yesterday at the King Power stadium, part of the build-up to Leicester v Arsenal, alongside Joe Cole and Martin Keown.

BOOM! Here we go. TNT Sports, Saturday, 11am ARE YOU WATCHING DENISE?

“Cilla Black, The Beatles, Ken Dodd, Sporty Spice, Kim Cattrall, John Bishop, Stephen Graham, all the Mcganns, your boys took one hell of a beating.” #Plymouth

Popped my cherry with Denise back in the early 90s round the back of the Bromley FC burger van. This is where I come when I’m feeling nostalgic. #BROMLEYvGRIMSBY

Zork The Puppy Destroyer has regularly said he wants to destroy puppies, and has recently spoken at a puppy destroying convention. But will he actually destroy any puppies? Our media think any such fears are an overreaction.