The Dutch reached Australia 164 years before Captain Cook. When William the Conqueror invaded Britain, no humans lived in New Zealand.

I have banged this drum for far too long, but there really is a simple solution: Social media sites should be held to the exact same media law as newspapers and magazines. The law ALREADY EXISTS. It just needs enforcing.

I know the Night Manager's publicity team has done its very best to persuade us that Richard Roper isn't going to reappear, but having Hugh Laurie in the credits as executive producer gives the game away somewhat.

Good job he's spent a year and a half banging on about immigration.

My chair broke over the holidays, and now I have to work from the sofa while waiting for the new chair to be delivered. The indignity.

It's going to be great when Maduro walks into the courtroom and all his friends burst out with glasses of champagne and presents, shouting "SURPRISE!"

Looking forward to the new ruler of Venezuela being unveiled as Mr Beast.

Gonna be a whole lot of milkshake-drinking going on when US troops arrive in Venezuela.

There are still *schools* using X for posting information and photos of children.

My idea of a New Year's Day walk: Strolling for maybe 90 minutes, the crisp winter air allowing me to clear my head and quietly contemplate life. My daughter's idea of a New Year's Day walk: 90 minutes of Gatling Gun question-asking, with no question in any way related to the previous one.

Sadiq not giving much of a fuck about how this goes down in the Red Wall, here.

Look at the mobile phones. That's the giveaway.

Played the Traitors card game tonight, and it just confirmed my suspicion that I would be utterly, laughably hapless at the real thing.

I think there are two factors to this, one we've noticed, one we haven't/ 1. Pointlessly and spitefully kicking natural supporters/ allies in the face at every given opportunity. 2. The memeification of loathing on social media (esp in algorithmic video).

My daughter ran out in front of David Blunkett and nearly tripped him over.

Arrived at the tip 45 minutes early, like the King of All Dads.

Ah.

I'm a centrist on this, in that I don't want to listen to your podcast or the video of you just talking.

My greatest wish for 2026 is for the K-Pop backlash to happen

My dad arrived for Christmas lunch carrying 12 bottles of wine. Then he tripped over the doorstep and smashed them all over the hallway. I emerged from the kitchen to find him face down, spreadeagled on the floor in a pool of red liquid. Proper Christmassing.

Someone bought Little 'Un a twirling ribbon.

Had a last minute panic over the girls recognising my handwriting if Santa wrote names by presents. So I've gone for using daemons instead.

At this time of year, we should think of those less fortunate than us, such as those who have bins on a Thursday.

This remake of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe looks SHIT.

Wonder if we can get lower than this for someone hypothetically famous?

Ten UK number ones between them.

Not super famous but this is a good one in terms of 'media coverage and big fandoms'. Only about 4x the plays of @duncanrobinson.bsky.social's university band.

ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner

There's a great debate under this, and now I'm trying to find the most famous *dead* artist with fewer than five million monthly lessons on Spotify.

I think we should change the Paddington Bear meme to Rupert the Bear when an absolute arsehole dies.

3D printing is such an amazing technology - people are using it to make everything from shitty dragons to shitty dragons.

Battled hard for three-and-a-half hours to save a near-disastrous kids' birthday party, and then the base of my living room chair broke as I sat down.

This year's Christmas miracle will be David Walliams becoming really ostentatiously, overtly religious.

The signing of Thomas Skinner for Strictly should excite those of us who like seeing the word 'regretfully' in press statements.

Has a substitute ever been brought on for the substitute of a substitute before?

How do children have that extraordinary ability to ignore the pile of stuff they've left in the middle of the floor, EVEN WHILST TRIPPING OVER IT?

"Did you insinuate my wife was a prostitute on the Plymouth Herald comments section?"

Could they at least colour code the redactions?

Of course, nobody has been allowed to go alone to the World of David Walliams at Alton Towers for years.

Whilst I’ve only seen a couple of his TV appearances, I am genuinely shocked that publishers have dropped black comedian David Walliams.

I think I know who's going to win the inaugural FIFA Prize for Literature.

I have long refused to buy Walliams books. My kids get to read non-problematic authors like Roals Dahl, JK Rowling and Bashar al-Assad.

Oh no.

Still somewhat surprised at the number of centre-left people prepared to play the performing monkey in the X Nazi circus.

It's amazing to think that 60 years ago, Dubai was a dusty desert outpost, and now it has grown to become, indisputably, the world's premier arsehole corral.

"I've had two warnings at school this term," says Little 'Un. "Once for talking too much," - par for the course - "and once for doing cartwheels around the classroom when we were supposed to be learning."

Did someone order extra portions of ominous this morning?

Definitely. In the same way that while electronic books and music damaged traditional shops, sales eventually levelled out and showed there was a dead cert market share that would always stay physical and, in the case of vinyl, even bounce back a little.

The gap in the market for tech products that refuse to touch AI is growing ever bigger. Even if AI turns out to be a massive success, there is so much money to be made in catering to the sceptics.