Hotel F****** *******s is fully booked, so I thought I’d try this place.

#facupdraw #shutupandjustsaytheteams

Looking at the menswear sales, I do wonder how we ever used to get chores done before there were jackets specifically designed for the purpose.

#fpl #bench #fml

I'm starting a business offering breast screening and smear tests. It's not a big operation, really just a mam-and-pap store.

Fellow Masquerade enthusiasts! Lot 32! 😮🐇 www.sothebys.com/buy/6dc17a9e...

Semenyo, weeks 1-7: average 9.42 ppg. Week 8 - I transfer in Semenyo. Semenyo, week 8-11: average 2.25 ppg. I can only apologise to Semeyo owners. #fpl #fantasypremierleague

1. Sky commentator: So, pundit, who's your player of the match? 2. Camera cuts to pundit's choice for player of the match. 3. Pundit reveals identity of player of the match. You'd think after all these years they'd've learned to do 2 and 3 the other way round.

Fans of my old radio show ONE will be delighted to learn that some sketches by me and @danielmaier.bsky.social from that brilliant comedy series are reprinted in this charming book.

Sorry, the BBC, Munoz has *what* himself into Crystal Palace’s history books?

Don’t belatedly catch up on White Lotus AND Alien: Earth with subtitles unless you *really* like things ‘chittering’.

Bit tasteless trailing the next part in the corner like this. Still, I’m guessing: drowning.

I’ll tell you what happens far more for dramatic purposes in films than it ever does in real life: cars backfiring.

I'm both disappointed and relieved that Lester, as it turns out, doesn't want to come in in a hurry with the beer.

With a heavy heart, we've taken the decision to close our boutique clothing business after 13 wonderful years of you never having heard of us. As a thank you to our pretend loyal customers, there's 30% off all our fake stock. We leave you with an AI photo of our storefront. Thank you. #heavyheart

Faces of the funny. Comedy writer @danielmaier.bsky.social (Harry Hill, Charlie Brooker etc) shares the sketches and stories waiting to be snapped up by producers and publishers... and this is what the performers look like. Check out how they sound: offcutsdrawer.com/dan-maier

Sensational metaphor-crunching from football finance Kieran Maguire on the BBC sport pages: "Maguire added: "I think people are joining the dots and perhaps making two plus two equals five in terms of, is this a 'you scratching my back? I'll scratch yours' type of situation."

I enjoyed sharing my brainspew on Laura's podcast - as reffed herein. Check it out!

This was fun!

#nufcrounduppalindromes Ho! Ekitike on radar? No Ekitike. Oh.

I’m sure I’m the millionth to say it, but I’ve just realised that watching this is the equivalent of it being around the time of Live Aid day and watching footage of the VE Day celebrations. #liveaid

Crowd already drifting away from Neil Young to try to see Charli XCX. #liveaid

Crosby, Pat from Ghosts and Mick McCarthy. #liveaid

Nice to see Aladdin Sane looking so well though. #liveaid

It was only a matter of time til Fucking Ray Cooper showed up. #liveaid

I feel embarrassed for The Who watching them completely balls up Won’t Get Fooled Again even though it was 40 years ago and they’re probably over it. #liveaid

Connections categories that rely on homophones often seem to assume the speaker is Sino-Scandinavian with a mouthful of crisps and a brain injury.

“Why have you brought me Size 40s?!” “You said you wanted to try on the XL..?”

I’ll be honest, what with English Teacher, Sports Team, Drycleaning and all, I wasn’t sure if this first one was a band name or not.

You’d think he’d’ve got booked after the second or third go, really.

TV Burp fanz! A couple of my and the chief's meaningful inshites into the writing process, generously relayed by @richardosman1.bsky.social in the excellent Rest Is Entertainment pod this week. youtu.be/8oDUDgDaClI?...

You're a lovely bunch - on the whole - and understand the tedious and un-British need to constantly promote or sink without trace. So if you have friends that are interested in writers, or write themselves, please let them know about the podcast & suggest they subscribe. Please, thank you & sorry 🙏🏼

Not been this many Geordies hoping for a reliable stream since the Newcastle Urology Clinic Open Day. #nufc

Grisly way for McKellen to end up, really,

Falsetto positive. #eurovision

Look, different strokes for different folks and all that but people have voted for absolute shit here. #eurovision

EVERY JURY SPOKESMAN: And the twelve points goes to…*does a bit of comedy business*… EVERYONE WATCHING: JUST SAY THE NAME OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY. #eurovision

Well, if Italy’s success so far is anything to go by, next year we need to send the ghost of a Victorian child killed in a factory accident. #eurovision

I’m endorse Finland’s Bionic Teutonic Lustbomb and Denmark’s Sharon Watts-channelling-Loreen. #eurovision

Denmark! Get ready for ‘Sharon Watts’ to start trending. #eurovision

Great to see Uncle Junior looking so well. #eurovision

Warsaw my ears off. #eurovision

Nice to see the Cottingley Fairies back on our screens. #eurovision

Disaster on the High Cs. #eurovision

Silly Idol. #eurovision

Camp-o de Viejo. #eurovision2025 #eurovision

Calista Flockhart’s let herself go.

Hang on, my darling Hang on if you want to go Hear it's a really groovy place It's just a little bit of

#nufc last 5 league games: scored 1,2,3,4 and 5. Look out Villa!

Shout out to my fellow Isak triple-captainers. #offnight #youdbackhimfromthere #kickinghimself #ninetimesoutoftenhedputthataway #sensehisfrustration #scoreoneforfuckssake #fpl