My campaign to have the world’s biggest chocolate bar collection has been given a huge Boost.

I spent today filming a thing for next year’s National Year Of Reading and the lovely Puffin team got me these Mona Lisa socks. The first book in my graphic novel series comes out in February and I reckon your young people will love it!

Wella shampoo is great but when my hair is full of Grease, I use Wella Wella Wella Huh shampoo.

This could be an Irish woman

If you want your humous to go further, add some mung beans and it becomes humongous.

I don't trust people who, when left alone with a tape measure, don't see how long they can extend it before it buckles.

I’M COMING BACK TO LEICESTER! The kids show has sold out the last two years - so get in there nice and early! campsite.bio/ofalafel @leicscomedyfest.bsky.social @tripleceepee.bsky.social @theytheatre.bsky.social

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

When organising a funeral make sure the word sombre doesn't autocorrect to sombrero. Although in some ways it's what nan would've wanted.

If anyone wants to vote for Art Avenger in the LOLLIES • It’s not too much of a faff • I’d be eternally grateful and… • there’s only one day of voting left. Here’s the link - thank you 🙏 shop.scholastic.co.uk/lollies/vote

Boy, this is worse than that time I tried to write jokes in the style of Family Guy.

This video is ten years old today. Don’t tell my kids I’ve posted this, they used to think I was cool but they are now at the age where they would die of cringe.

A spooky joke from my joke book. 👻🎃 It’s a perfect half term/halloween treat! www.amazon.co.uk/Poo-Pogo-Sti...

Only two tickets left for Thursday’s show in Southend

Ted! You've left your signed copy of Trixie Pickle in Decathlon after seeing @ofalafel.bsky.social in Brighton today. It's in their lost property now.

I see the museum have taken your photo down.

What’s with the suitcases? I’m going on holiday with a TV wildlife presenter Chris Packham? No I did

Brighton families - This is on Sunday and tickets are now limited availability brightondome.org/whats-on/Lev...

Wrapping yourself from head-to-toe in toilet roll is an act that could have huge mummifications.

The inventor of disclosure tablets has a blue plaque.

I want a plaque on a park bench in my memory when I die and just before I go I’m changing my name to Wet Paint.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes have made me a laughing stock.

Half term family comedy shows on the 26th in Brighton and then the 30th in Southend. Not many tickets left for either show campsite.bio/ofalafel

I wonder why these are reduced to clear? Opens the box…

I matched with someone on a dating app but her support for the Communist Party was a massive red flag

My wife left me for sentimental reasons. She said just being near me sent ‘er mental.

Visited Our Bookshop in Tring, signed some joke books and left three badges for the first three joke book buyers!

Red and yellow and pink and green, Purple and orange and blue, I can sing the council's over-complicated recycling scheme.

I saw a very attractive lady in my local coffee shop today A Costa? No, I just smiled

I don’t want to get rid of the cobwebs in my house in case they’re load bearing.

…and I’m also doing my family comedy show in SOUTHEND on the 30th – only 13 tickets remain! ko-fi.com/s/51b7bfa802

I’m doing my family comedy show in BRIGHTON in a fortnight’s time. Not many tickets left! brightondome.org/whats-on/Lev...

Due to staff shortages, wizards are developing bad backs.

Due to staff shortages, wizards are developing bad backs.

Don’t miss the last day of a wedding cake making course. It’ll end in tiers.

Back in Brighton on the 26th of this month – here’s a picture of me and a crustacean on the beach and then a diagram showing the seats that are left for my family comedy show brightondome.org/whats-on/Lev...

Trump’s straw rant fits too well on McIntyre

My nan recently had a hip operation, now whenever she makes me a sandwich she serves it on a roof tile with a side of rosemary fries in a miniature bucket.

Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right here I am in a suit slowly realising I am definitely in the wrong interview

Never thought I'd say this. It's gonna be harsh and might give you angry feelings when you see it. I've come up with one simple life rule: Never ever (I know you're gonna, but please don't) let yourself feel stupid when you look at the first words down the left side of this post

Never thought I'd say this. It's gonna be harsh and might give you angry feelings when you see it. I've come up with one simple life rule: Never ever (I know you're gonna, but please don't) let yourself feel stupid when you look at the first words down the left side of this post

Last chance for any UK comic creators to help document the comics landscape

I also found some of these promo badges from an old show in a sewing tin (??!) - the first 13 people to buy APOAPS stuff will also get one of these ‘There’s No i in Idiot’ badges chucked in as a bonus!

I have just added signed copies of A Poo On A Pogo Stick and enamel Poo On A Pogo Stick badges to my shop. ko-fi.com/olaf/shop

I’ve used a picture of a fishmonger in my bio but he’s just a plaice holder.

I’ve been learning how to guess the weight of dogs - I picked up a few pointers yesterday.

I have just added signed copies of A Poo On A Pogo Stick and enamel Poo On A Pogo Stick badges to my shop. ko-fi.com/olaf/shop

I’m performing my family comedy show in Brighton and Southend this half term and then Rotherham and Harpenden in April with a load more dates being announced soon. Book early you won’t regret it! campsite.bio/ofalafel