I mean I’m not saying my 5 year old is Paul Simon but I’m pretty sure he also started with lyrics about his little brother “farting in a bin”.

In case anyone’s concerned about the relentless march of time and technology, it may be comforting to know that my wife tried to renew her driving licence and she has to pay by cheque or postal order like it’s nineteen eighty fucking one.

Arsenal (h) #nufc

Actively avoids getting the horn

Rapture, is it?

Tuchel looks gutted that Murphy’s on the bench #nufc

In related news, we have just spent some time looking at dozens of seemingly almost identical TVs online and now have no idea what to do.

So the 3 year old finally managed to break the TV by throwing his metal water bottle at the screen.

I don’t have a great record with sunglasses. As an example, I once looked into the canal while fishing and they fell off my face into the water. Having said that, if these cost a quid a pair I still wouldn’t buy them, because fuck off you silly prick.

When your marketing guy absolutely pulled his spine out to Heather Graham in Boogie Nights and hasn’t forgotten her nearly 30 years on.

Make a band singular: Millus Vanillus

My 3 year old snaps this on day 1, without a shadow of a doubt.

I’ve got one of Gail’s prints on the kitchen wall and it’s great. It’s a lovely quality print of a picture that means a lot to me and it makes me smile pretty much every day. She does phone cases, slip mats, t shirts, all sorts of stuff. Have a look.

Did Trump just Fabrizio Romano a war?

If I wasn’t human I’d probably be laughing at us by now too

Offering the 3 year old some viewing options, he’s been asking me to find “the brown guy and the white guy. The brown guy gets cross and the white guy is happy.” Completely baffled by the clues until we did some scrolling and it turned out he meant Morph & Chas.

It won’t let me screenshot it on my phone but there’s a teacher in the new series of Educating Yorkshire who looks like if Kieran Trippier was a character in King of the Hill.

Went past an old lady today who smelled of weed, then I realised she didn’t smell of weed but of the air freshener my friend used to use to try (and fail) to disguise the smell of weed in her house and I just associated it so strongly with the smell of weed that I conflated the two.

Nadine Dorries keeps her bank cards in her phone case

I too would like to make money by selling something I have already set on fire

I mean I know “fuck around, find out” is one of the most tediously overused phrases on the internet but oh my fucking god

Last season I wanted to buy one of those #nufc feathers’ tops. I had a price in mind but it wasn’t the asking price. I thought if I waited the price would come down, but it didn’t. I waited until the following season, but it turned out they weren’t for sale anymore. I still haven’t got one. 🤷🏻‍♂️

The real Melania is crying with laughter somewhere

I’m going to assume that each of you who doesn’t engage with this post has also spaffed the thick end of eighty quid on a rubber dinghy without knowing which way round it goes.

On holiday in a place with a lake, and the site shop sells inflatable boats. Not going to be the guy who goes round mansplaining rowing but I’ve seen a lot of people who could do with someone telling them to sit at the pointy end and go backwards. Loooot of people trying to push not pull.

TIL that my 5 year old thinks that Chupa Chups are called Chiffa Chumps and I won’t be correcting him any time soon

I’m seeing a lot of Americans getting worked up one way or another about a restaurant rebranding. As an Englishman I think we should have taken to the streets when Crunchy Nut Cornflakes became Crunchy Nut. That and when Appletise became Appletiser just because everyone kept getting it wrong.

TFW you wake up early

Nice branding, lads. Where did you get the idea for that?

“Daddy…” “Yes mate?” “Do you know what I think you’re going to be?” “No, what’s that?” “The first in the family to die.” “Okay mate, nice one. “ #blessed

It’s been a lot (a lot) of years since I’ve been to two gigs in a week. Redman and Fontaines are an unusual combo but what an entertaining week it’s been. Just an old friend’s wedding and then my birthday before it’s Monday again

You can buy an 80g bag of pistachios in Iceland for £1. Also you can fucking choke on them.

Can’t lie, it was fucking great.

The ignorant 90s hip hop side of my personality just reminded the rest of me that I’m off to see Redman tomorrow

Deleting old emails is the new rinsing out yoghurt pots

Wait, are you trying to tell me that Noel Gallagher might be a tedious, self-important, unfunny right-wing prick?

Age verification? I was born the morning after Elvis died

“”I’ve got more money than I’ll ever need, or ever be able to spend. I could just be good but why should I be good if it’s not for money?” Honestly, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart: fuck you.

Tyrone Mings stepping up as Chloe Kelly’s only rival for sports personality of the year

“This happened and I have strong opinions about it “ “It didn’t happen, it was an obvious hoax” “Oh wow, so toxic, how could you?”

Honestly if I was planning to deliberately accelerate to try and force another driver onto the hard shoulder I probably wouldn’t do it in a vehicle with my company name, phone number and email address on it, but that’s just me.

You know when you’re talking to someone and one of you says something and the other one says “hey, that would make a great band name haha” and you both laugh about what a great band name it would make? It wouldn’t. Ever.

I can’t say I believe in ghosts, but I tell you now if anyone ever does this to me I will haunt you to absolute fuck.

Roses are red Loose papers need a file Donald trump is Tweeting about Sydney Sweeney for some reason

I was waiting at the opticians and when the guy came out and said my name I inexplicably replied “speaking”, just in case there are any deities with a spare bolt of lightning they fancy slinging my way.

I’ve just remembered the time Ian Brown tweeted a sped-up video of himself showing off with his nunchucks like a 13 year old boy and now I might be laughing all day

🎵What the world , needs now Is wasps, sweet radioactive wasps🎵 www.cbsnews.com/news/radioac...

The 2-year-old goes to my wife’s mum’s on a Wednesday, when I’m at work and he’s not in his part time nursery place. TIL that she has a couple of cappuccinos a day and lets him eat the froth with a spoon. If ever there was a kid who didn’t need caffeine.

An argument exclusively used and exclusively accepted by people who are racist and don’t want to be accountable for it. Everyone else knows it’s risible, mealy-mouthed bullshit