Car wash. It is called Purple Rain, the best Prince-inspired automobile cleaner in the Scottish Borders. That’s his actual spuff, of which there is an inexhaustible supply.

I am on a recce up at the ice rink and LOOK AT ALL THOSE CURLING BROOMS

Who’s the super bowl halftime performer? *wrong answers only*

Just finished my columns for the next Gooner Fanzine, and I hope to god that the Arsenal Superstore will stock the Perry Groves aftershave I just made up - El Pel, “The Great Smell of Pel”. #Arsenal #VeryNicheJokes

For flip’s sake Liverpool #FFSLiverpool #TheFootball

Oh look, it’s raining. That makes a change.

“Sometimes we’re wild dogs, sometimes we’re full of bees.”

When Leo, a dog, is naughty, his name becomes Fucky. This morning he is KING FUCKY THE FUCKER, the little fucker.

Has anyone done the Superb Owl joke yet?

When you hear a bumping and groaning coming from downstairs at night, you take a torch down to investigate, but it’s cool - it’s just the ghost of your washing machine that you killed when you tried to launder a king-size duvet.

“CHIPPY CHIPS”

“I haven’t got time for ANYTHING these days” (Retired)

Colchester. Where it is all kicking off. I think. #facebooknews

SATISFACTORY #TheArsenal

Out shopping in Jedburgh, and audible gasps as it all goes a bit Father Ted. "You don't have anything from the Allied side?" "No, no. That sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all."

The sun came out. Scenes.

I could do curling, as long as it’s “one out” and my colitis doesn’t let me down.

“Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a police officer, and I’m a police officer”* *the police officer used to be a locksmith

And now we move on to liars. Enya. A Day Without Rain, my arse. Never happened.

“I might as well say this now. Miss Piggy has pulled out”

Jack off all trades.

We are watching the Muppet Show 2026 revival on Disney+ and YES.

the Spectator accidentally recycled a subhed from a previous day’s article about Tehran

Those of you watching #totp, you’re not missing much at the Winter Olympics opening, which is a 90 minute mime solo by a gentleman called Alternative Car Park.

“What is the crime? Drinking a beveragino? A succulent Chinese beveragino?”

Oh look it’s raining

Switched to the rugby and WHAT THE HELL WITH THE ADVERTS?

Veuillez regarder cette oie

I am watching Ted Lasso for the first time, and what of it? #wanker

Cheering when someone drops a glass in a pub.

It’s the 36th of January and will it ever stop raining?

Just applied for my over-60s bus pass. Yeah.

Oh no.

Well, that’s the end of my WaPo subscription. Took less than a minute.

A new Living in Scotland milestone this week: Heard a woman being addressed as “hen”.

Fifteen years ago on this very day, I made this low quality photoshop of a photo I took in 2002, and somehow it became a meme. You’re welcome.

Pot as many balls as you can.

MOST SATISFACTORY #TheArsenal

Your occasional reminder that yellow snow is perfectly natural and totally safe to eat.

Copper. Your time is now.

Getting ice cream and jelly in hospital today makes up for all the other times I was in hospital and didn’t get ice cream and jelly.

Back in hospital lads, the old colitis playing up again.

My dear friend Nader alerted me to two Iranian members of the Arsenal family, Aref Jafarzadeh and Amir Housein, who were killed while seeking freedom in Iran. We remember them. ❤️

Wanna feel old? This is what Pepto Bismol Diarrhoea Guy looks like today.

A modern-day tragedy, BUT YOU CAN HELP. 1 Like = 1 Pray 1 Share = 10,000 Prays

What the actual…? #Pride www.thecourier.co.uk/fp/news/5423...

Yeah nah Facebook, I’m good thanks.

Regret to report that we’ve made another low-quality slide show of the best #CompoFace photos from down the years.