Subscribing to the print edition of The Onion was one of my finest decisions. I leave old copies behind DIY work to be discovered by future generations and to confuse the living shit out of them. theonion.com/hospital-dec...

Italy, eh? More to the point, Bosnia, eh? #TheFootball

1. By looking up 2. At night, mainly You’re welcome.

Superb work from BBC Sport getting the new Current Spurs Manager in the revolving door at Tottenham.

“Udd” #facebooknews

I’ve watched this four times and will not be stopping anytime soon

It’s not what you think. Bullet = Road bowls Loan = Lane The lane down which grown men threw cannonballs. Indifferent dog for scale.

These guys have paid a not insignificant sum (up to £450/day and you have to put the fish back) to sit in a boat while one fishes for salmon and the other rows like crazy against the River Tweed. Passes the time, I suppose.

…Yay! Hoopla!

Something something “critical mass” something.

How your email finds me.

“I see you know your film archiving well”

On this day in history, someone [oh-ho!] MADE AN ASS OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!

It’s now six years since Covid, and I’m still waiting for my free trip to Nuremberg. I’m beginning to think that these people had no idea what they were talking about.

Just taking the cat for a walk.

I hope to god that Hacker T Dog hasn’t been up to anything. Of course not, he’s just innocent men.

Anyway. Monday.

THERE HAS BEEN ANOTHER WONKA.

Just seen a set of revolving doors making its way to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, clutching its UEFA coaching licence. It’ll be hard-pushed to get the job, though. There’s a lettuce in the mix.

Matt is much better at his job than any ai and requires substantially less cooling.

BREAKING: Tottenham. www.bbc.co.uk/sport/footba...

Regret to report that this Facebook Remembering Things group is remembering Spangles and shiny white toilet paper, as per the Book of Revelation.

Might have just bought a telescope

Almost missed the latest meeting of The Axis Of Wrong’uns.

You know what I don’t want to see this year? That HILARIOUS photo of workers putting Stonehenge forward an hour. Instead, why not show those uncelebrated heroes who set the tides to BST?

The mysterious crime fighter known only as “The Batman” tells Commissioner Gordon that he suspects the Penguin.

Police say they are in for a Marathon investigation.

'Police gave chase hoping to retrieve the haul, but the thieves just gave them two fingers'

Friends fear he’s at Cocklawburn Beach again, taking arty photos.

I. AM. SMOKING. A. FAG.

I don’t think Madness have any vacancies #totp

That’s not very low. Bloody amateurs #totp

I’m pretty sure Peter Powell has never been a lumberjack #totp #hands

Why is the Kia Venga not a bus? #totp

Tonight’s #totp episodes will feature two moving performances of the Vengaboys interpretation of the war poet Sod Off Baldrick’s lines about The German Guns. A stark and timely reminder of the horrors of armed conflict.

“Keystone Kash”, as the Daily Beast calls him.

This is going to be very bad news for [checks notes] the entire global economy.

Meanwhile on Facebook, Melvin’s having a bit of a mare. #FacebookNews

Found this enormous Twiglet, lads. Unravelled, it would be approximately 15cm (six inches). I ate it. Please do not criticise my scaling bananas.

“I have returned! My first trip in the matter transporter has been a complete success! …what are you all staring at?”

Roy is back back BACK in the game! www.bbc.co.uk/sport/footba...

The existence of Billy Bragger, along with the existence of Billy Bragg, implies that Billy Braggest is out there somewhere.

Having a really good day, right up to the moment next door drove their car through the fence 🙄

600 words (ish) of Ea-Nasir: Lust For Copper written today, including some in yer actual Akkadian because there’s only so many times you can type “clay tablet” before it becomes really, really monotonous. (It’s “tuppum” according to The Internet).

*MUSK’S X LOSES SUIT ACCUSING ADVERTISERS OF BOYCOTTING PLATFORM

I hear they’ve invented a new colour in America. It’s called frelliple.

If there’s any consolation about [gestures at everything], it’s that Donald Trump would choose the wrong grail.

I reckon this is that parable about when Jesus was visiting his first girlfriend's mum and dad's hoose, and when he flushed the toilet the water just kept on rising.

While I was out, there has been another delivery of toilet rolls. We are still finishing off the loo paper from two deliveries ago, and we are now down to our last 69 rolls. It’s like the Great Bog Roll Panic Of 2020 all over again.