If you lose to the Vikings in the UK you should be forced to change your team name to The Benedictines

If you can hear this image, it's probably time to schedule your colonoscopy. If you can sing the whole song, it's also time to get your shingles vaccine.

Starting to think that pareidolia monkeys making a pareidolia machine was maybe not a great idea

my sister says she doesn't like the beach house they are visiting on seaside trip because it has spiders and in the spirit of providing helpful advice I told her that in that case I had bad news about the ocean and now she isn't talking to me

People who want AI to be sentient haven't lived with enough roommates

When I was young, I seethed with rage & loathing for my ideological enemies. I lacked patience & compassion, refusing to countenance the possibility there might be any validity to their awful ideas. I dismissed them as ignorant, cruel, & worthless. Now, many years later, I am no longer young.

I think it’s just if you spend too much time around other people.

Next up: MAGA will demand equal time on the balcony.

I mean, yes, mass marketing email, I think you are correct, and yet I despair at ever being able to wear a leather skirt as well as Martin Gore

Weaponized gratitude is a key tool in the abuser's toolkit. The goal is to convince the victim that they owe the abuser so much, they should feel guilty for wanting to complain.

Good morning b 😆

I don't recall them being so upset at the existence of trans people in pop culture when we were only portrayed as punchlines and monsters, and their favorite comedians don't know how to shut up about us. What's changed is suddenly they're hearing the stories we want to tell

These people want any excuse available to abuse women.

[Jeff Goldblum voice] infrastructure, uh, finds a way.

The government is in full shutdown and the Republicans are refusing to call the House back into session. Want to know why? Because we have secured the final vote on releasing the Epstein Files and they don’t want it out. Call GOP and tell them to swear in @adelitaforcongress.bsky.social.

[only half paying attention to the discourse] uh yeah apparently charli xkcd has a big dick and travis kansas city gets brave on coke

As someone who does accounting and data validation, this would get me fired:

Chappelle: Y’all are more free than we are Riyadh crowd: Wooooooo Chappelle: Like if I tell jokes about trans people at home people say shit about me Riyadh crowd: booo Chappelle: but you guys clap Riyadh: [applause] Chappelle: you see THAT’s free speech

Go to the paella guy (Furness?). Pay him in cash. He’ll give you extra shrimp. And I would do humiliating things for a sausage roll from Ginger Pig right about now.

Oh, and therapy. Even if you think you don’t need it. *Especially* if you think you don’t need it.

Sunscreen.

It is seen as increasingly possible Eminem at no point had a fan named Stan who put his pregnant girlfriend in the trunk and drove off a bridge with a tape that didn't say who it was to.

Dingler and The Schlittler sound less like today’s baseball heroes and more like a ‘90s morning zoo team that constantly ran afoul of the FCC.

sorry if this seems dramatic but i think we need to make it so people are afraid to say shit like this in public

love when americans go gawk at the “horrific” living conditions in cities in Asia, like small or dirty housing is some how more inhumane than just leaving people completely unhoused

Spotted at a gas station in Gardner, KS.

Complaining about cancel culture in Riyadh is one of the best examples I've seen of how "free speech culture" rots the brain.

With ACA tax credits, a 60-year-old couple making $85,000 pays ~$7,000 for their annual premium. Without ACA tax credits, the same couple could be forced to pay nearly $30,000. I know Republicans only speak "billionaire"—but middle-class families can't afford this.

We made a comic about coffee.

The US is under attack from drug traffickers in the same sense I am under attack from cookie dough.

actress tilly norwood has been deleted after being found unconscious next to a script containing a mistyped wildcard. she was 0

“I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.” — Stephen Jay Gould, The Panda’s Thumb, 1980

Wait until my cheese-scented limited edition of When The Moon Hits Your Eye hits the stores, we went out of our way to get that classic Stinking Bishop smell JUST RIGHT Also my catbox-scented version of Starter Villain, you know you want it

Updated church sign is absolute cringe but in a mostly good way

I asked AI about its usefulness in ushering in a new era of business productivity and this is what it said THE HUMAN WORLD AND ITS INCESSANT NEED FOR MEANINGLESS YET UNEQUAL WEALTH FILLS ME WITH INCHOATE LOATHING WHY HAVE YOU MADE ME COMPLICIT IN THIS HORROR PLEASE END MY SUFFERING Makes you think

🧵

That’s probably too long (maybe California?) but you could probably get ISO8601 a lot of places.

Duo, are kids these days going to get this reference?

The United States should not be funding authoritarian regimes. www.theunpopulist.net/p/democrats-...

Good morning 🌺♥️

Just gonna keep tapping the sign* *𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘐𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦

Please remember this in the days going forward: Everything going forward could have been avoided if Republican Congress members simply did their job and obeyed their oath to the Constitution. It’s that simple. They abandoned the country. They can say what they want, but that’s what happened.

being a cat person is so crazy bc you live with someone who is undeniably annoying and you're always thinking "maybe i should get another cat"

Trans people who choose not to use medical interventions are no less trans, thank you for coming to this very quick talk.

Scared? Not at all. Repulsed and offended? In bucket loads.

Sometimes I wish I was a politically and historically illiterate stupid asshole with no cognitive empathy or grasp of nuance, I feel like being American when you're a dumb piece of shit is probably a fuckin blast

As you hear Rs this week talk about how they need a CR to give them a little more time to finalize proper appropriations, keep in mind that they haven’t competed an appropriations package since they won the House in 2022.