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[creating the electric eel] god: i made a snake for the water angel: hell yeah as long as you didn’t use that one ingredient god: haha no of course not. which one angel: electricity? god: angel: what the fuck man

him: His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular Starbucks barista: … can I just put Bob?

When you're chronically distracted, every car kinda feels like it's self driving

Is this app still in Beta or are we into the Charlie stage of things

Why isn’t there a laundry detergent called Sacred?

Know what the internet needs? Another sarcastic cartoon avi account that doesn't like people.

Ok… Ladies with fake eyelashes and stuff…how do you rub your eyes? Dying to know this

Sometimes I like to listen to death metal before the dentist Gets you pumped up to suffer

I just had the Smiths come on and was ok with it for the first time ever Am I even real now

Time changes are here and thanks to my phone just setting itself back I don’t have a fucking clue why the dog is suddenly losing her shit before normal feeding hour

For every action, there is an internet overreaction.

Hurry up epiphany I don’t have all day

Now that we aren't trying to keep safe from prehistoric animals it seems we could evolve into boners making boing sounds and vaginas playing peaceful ambient music with just a few days of heavy metal each month

Guy who says, “Question for you,” before he asks you a question.

me: do you take walk-ins dude at the crematorium: what

I have to say something Wile E Coyote had telekinetic powers and we all acted like he was some kind of loser His mind suspended him in the air so long as he believed he was still on the cliff We should have nurtured his power, but instead we just laughed

Halloween is socialism. Christmas is communism. I will not be taking questions at this time.

My first mistake was feeling hope.

Ever walked into a room and forgot the Alamo?

Idk. I think God kinda takes advantage of his position so he can celebrate his son’s birthday for two whole months and we can’t do nothing about it

Car salesman: It will fit 5 people comfortably Clown: How many uncomfortably?

In the 1970s we all drove trucks and had orangutan sidekicks

I never celebrate Halloween. It’s fine like all other holidays: left at the store

The devil in me will make your head spin.

Found an old cut nail on the bedroom floor this morning and it would seem one of us is having an affair with a 19th-century cabinetmaker

Dr. Funkenstein, he's the monster. His funk is the best.

Jigsaw voice: I want to play a game. By now, you’ve noticed that you’re up to your chest in a vat of Mentos. Above your head are three buckets of Diet Coke, one of which contains a key. How much blood are you willing to spill to save your life?

picking out a playlist to be murdered to

Glad Christmas starts tomorrow. It takes me two months to get in the mood and that’s at gunpoint

Don’t forget to leave blood and wine out tonight for the ghost of Peter Steele

Hell hath no fury like a woman on Nextdoor

Meet me later, I’ll be in the dark place.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Kinda fucked up how we can earn money with our time but we can’t buy time with our money

You don’t have to do anything for a Klondike bar. You really can just be a person with $3.

Every tween in a stephen king movie is like “Yeah this town is soooo boring and there’s a fuckload of ghosts”

Apathy is the new black

Everything is goddamn political and I’m getting to where I just don’t care anymore