No thanks, love potion, I’d rather eat glass.

The trees whispered all your secrets to me

I like hard to get. Impossible is even better, babe.

I think the font has gotten smaller, but maybe I’ve gotten bigger

Everyone in the replies completely oblivious to the fact that Ken is *begging* for a domme.

The future isn't a beating friendless "out there" (taps own heart) it's friendless in here (points to drum machine, no longer needs friends to start a band, killed out of band during third wave of robot ska)

I’ve had three gallons of Mountain Dew today and I’m ready to fight the sun.

I think the key to a healthy and lasting relationship is at least one of you being extremely rich.

If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.

you know you have a great account when some hot dude follows you, you followed back, he dms you, then deactivates all within an hour 💀

It's called today because it's two days long.

when anyone asks me what i do for work i just sweetly tell them that i, too, am bill belichicks’ creative muse.

Someone posted a missed connections on the local page trying to make a “car friend,” and I walk my dogs after dark to avoid running into anyone.

Every time I think things can’t get any worse, there we are then.

I, too, am open to being the new Pope. I have ideas.

Whatever Burger King is paying that guy to sing those shitty fucking songs, I'll double it if he never speaks again.

I’m so ready for raging bitch summer.

I've never felt like less of a success than I do right now. And I don't think I even care.

Still in the past life section of a bookstore waiting for everything to yellow and fade and for the air to turn brittle for the cat to stop counting. "If you're not going to buy anything" oh, I bought it all. The future is in dust settling and writing "wash me" on the back windows of forever.

I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

one time when i was a kid my dad bought so many jean jackets from sears they eventually let him park his camaro right next to the register.

awake (again). i can’t keep doing this

tech bro is short for technically broken

Walking the road to ruin backward.

What’s weird about being a millennial is if you insult the Beatles a baby boomer is ready to fight you, if you insult Pearl Jam a Gen X person is ready to fight you, if you came up to me and said fuck Linkin Park I’d just be like maybe you’re right I don’t even know anymore

I Brushed My Teeth But Now I Want A Midnight Snack: A Tale of Heartache and Desire

The average American has three friends

how was headache + sneezing not a finishing move in mortal kombat

ask a chronically ill person how we're doing, it's like, "great. i've got diarrhea and a migraine today, but ya know, pretty good."

Is it a new cafe? What is kelch? More questions than answers.

where was waldo on jan 6

As much as it would rather not anymore, some of the time has to go outside to let different waves pass through. Yes I know it fights and it has the patient strength of life in a tide pool but that's exactly why it matters. Like, don't be one of those "but time is shifting desert sands" lubbers

Who is Hoagie?

I'm too unstable to put change back into my wallet when there's a line behind me.

Thinking about downsizing, perhaps into a nice urn.

If you aren't burning the city down to show me the light, what is your malfunction?

*seductively Put your hands on me. Okay, now push me in front of a bus.

becoming more efficient at my job by quitting

Doctor: How's your meme health Phone: Pretty terrible but isn't everything pretty terrib- Doctor: Did you just Batman interrupt slap yourself Phone: [toddler runs into the room does uh oh face and runs back out gif]

yeah I enjoy hard sci-fi

putting gum in my hair just to feel something

the golden girls in famous works of art: thread

At this point, I’m like 43% unnecessary apologies.