Is this a question and a statement? Both? Neither? Help us out, Craig.

Trying not to feel business trip about you I say right on time to falling in love. Didn't you hear me earlier, I used ooh la la in my request for more wake up calls and fewer do not disturb signs

I don't anthropomorphize everything in a lonely loneliness, I do it out of pure wait I gotta go, some dipshit object I brought to gratitude is cursing the day it "died"

Fountain owner, I think that's stalking.

No sport has more announcers that absolutely lose thier fucking shit than cross country skiing

No one said “I feel a draft” yet come on people its. right. there I FEEL A DRAFT

Well, you've pissed off Terrence.

based on my wife’s reaction to Swarovski Shrek, this is the last time i’ll do a $750 bit

Sometimes people come into your life, and that’s got to stop.

Are sovereign citizens still a thing? Or did they get folded into IcE?

Yeah, Carrie, I don't think this is going to work out for you.

Me during the job interview

Not one to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism, I am instead going to withdraw my flageolet from my vest pocket and play every Michael McDonald song to my wife this Valentine’s Day

I'm 31. Please adopt me.

*to Cupid* Just the normal arrows, big dawg

Never felt unstoppable before. Highkey stoppable at all times

Light mode…she burns…

This town’s plenty big for the both of us. Get in here

The Winter Olympics seem pretty easy. Get down that hill? Done

i’ll like a reply and not the original post idgaf

I guess the winter Ozempics are on.

Back in the 10's I used to harass all of these pedophiles on Facebook...under my real name and everyone concluded that I was insane. They all owe me apologies that I'll never get. And the fucked up part is that I wish I was crazy. I wish I was wrong. I don't even want those apologies.

Pretentious as fuck, even though I am a total moron

yeah i'm kinda going to insist on the guillotine

When I go to the dentist I show them a picture of a radio announcer calling a baseball game from the 1930’s and say I want teeth just like that

I used old motor oil from an ‘81 diesel Rabbit in an attempt to condition a department store baseball glove once if you need any life hacks

Come dance with me my darling, my buttercup, my little Smirnoff Ice

look i'm no olympian but one time a random guy on the internet offered to give me one of his teeth, which is not nothin

What are the 3 branches of government again? I know it's pedophiles and corporations but what's the third one?

I'm making a list of all of the people that owe me an apology. You're probably on it.

Lutnick: yeah i brought my kids to child rape island why do you ask

Came back secondhand, born in thrift. It never could have all been brand new but some say there's an invoice somewhere. It would mean we're alive not just curses in old things. Me, I astral project to Etsy

All I can focus on is her last name, Clevenger. Like is she an Avenger from Cleveland?

Hey can someone teach me Spanish by 6:00 pm today

I look weird without my glasses.

I don't think the TVA is on sevierville speaks out, Albert.

Him: Well we didn’t have any together this is 2nd marriage for both of us, we both made very bad choices the first time but sure got lucky this time, 18 years! I had two in my previous marriage and she had one so we have three. Me: When someone asks how many kids we have you can just say “three”.

Things are getting serious over on sevierville speaks out.

Your account is a fuckin mess. *followed*

if you cleaned your glasses, no you didn't

My factory reset isn't working.

Got up at 5:30 to get a jump on the existential dread

Look for me in the end zone during the big game this weekend. I won’t be holding a John 3:16 sign but I will be holding a picture of Tippi Hedren fighting seagulls

It’s easy to look back and be unhappy about how you spent your time without realizing that it was the happiest way you could spend it at that time.

Dear Baerskin: Your inundation of advertising has ensured that I will never buy anything from you. Even should your products be found to be quality and affordable, I will look for anything else. I am sick of you, and you have made your name detestable.

Sometimes you just have to burn it all down and start over.

We didn't do a lot of normal things in my family like have game night or look forward to the future

Brock pierce, the former child star, and one of the first names i recognized in block chain was mentioned in the epstein files over 1800 times. Why is this important? He wanted to create a boy island in Puerto Rico after a natural disaster.

I'll stalk you but like in an avoidance way