Love to go to work plentiful cap

Giant’s hand descended from the clouds, picked me up and they blew my eyelashes off like I was a dandelion :(

I'm not gonna lie I would love to live deliciously

You’re telling me a macadamia nut in this cookie?

The macadamia nut cookie of it all

KID: i hate Arizona. DAD: me Tucson.

Using the crying emoji to react to everything in MS Teams

Frugal archers! Make haste and harvest the wayward shafts of Cupid’s spent arrows littering the streets tonight

You: They did the math. Me: ᵀʰᵉʸ ᵈⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒⁿˢᵗᵉʳ ᵐᵃᵗʰ You: What was that? Me: Nothing. Me three hours later in a whisper: ᴵᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᵃ ᵍʳᵃᵛᵉʸᵃʳᵈ ᵍʳᵃᵖʰ

i’ve been asked to leave my tech job after i badly misinterpreted what a “standup meeting” was and performed my tight five about dating apps to a bewildered zoom call

*Cocteau Twins voice* Punxsutawney Phiiiiiil, Punxsutawney Phiiiiiil, Punxsutawney Phiiiiiil

To the person that said the lyric’s of Serpentskirt’s chorus are “Punxsutawney Phil” x50….I’m coming to get you. I’m cooking this ear-worm into your next omelette. A worm is going to die. Do you feel bad? Ralph the worm. Who had a life, and a semi-successful pyramid scheme he ran, and 3 pet fleas—

“I’m shifting! I’m shifting!” I exclaim. (Not into an alternate universe) (Just warning my dog so he isn’t alarmed when my glow-stick of a body cracks for the 40th time that day)

OH MY GOD HI MAUNSELL FORTS!!! I feel like Elvis just personally grated Parmesan on my pasta right now I love you it’s okay I’ll bring a Camelbak and a thick cardigan I’ll make it work<3333

more professions should have unique and stupid hats

Thankfully I fully reentered my Tumblr era last month so I won’t be clawing at the walls without tokkytiktac~

“Can you test my Calendly link for me?” Ofc I got you bestie:

Tree

Gonna doxx a bird

laughing in bed, sleigh crashing through the roof and impaling me in slow motion as gary jules’ cover of mad world plays

I’ve been deemed an upstanding citizen within Santa’s panopticon. My reward this year is socks :)

The Xanax You Gave Linus Weren’t Real, Charlie Brown. You Have The Right To Remain Silent

hawk tuah the herald angels sing you just gotta spit on that thing

millennial ting she going grink mode till i meep

Who up shoveling reindeer poop off they roofs?

charles dickens really popped off when he came up with “humbug!” that shit was like bazinga for old fuckers with ass taste in pajamas

Spelling the name Phoebe pmo. But what’s the alternative? Feebi? I’m incensed.

It’s Preen The Loose Hairs Out Of My Head Like A Wild And Free Flamingo O’Clock

Me: Nice coat :) Duck: *screams* Chicken: *screams* Turkey: *screams*

What if the duck is claustrophobic?

I love when SZA goes aaAAAaaAAAaaaaaAh

Baby: [cries] Cat Nanny: [slowly pushes baby off changing table]

[Date] I'm going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there's six.

you don't need to trust someone to fuck them

How was your day honey did you distill the zeitgeist into any droll quips

Autistic: I need routines ADHD: I can't do routines ADHD+autistic: I need useless routines that do not benefit me at all, and I can't do the routines that would keep me physically and mentally healthy

she fib on my nacci until i spiral

Mr. Monk Sir, what kind of karma must I accrue to be the Benadryl Hat Man my next life?

I have this theory that we’re all only demented and offputting on here as a pressure release valve for our high powered corporate jobs

Matching my cohort’s energies on Microsoft Teams. Am I sending you that gay little seal emoji or proper grammar and punctuation? Dish me what you wish to be served.

That time of year again when the the deers are shedding their antlers and the moose shed their knuckles

I get sad thinking about Santa Claus dragging his emaciated body across a snowless North Pole

cashier: paper or plastic me: it’s a debit card cashier: no, for your milk me: oh, haha, liquid’s fine

Shall we consult the orb? *consults orb* It says…..to consult the orb?

the Europeans are asleep, post The Place

getting shot in the stomach and immediately stumbling towards my medicine cabinet to chug a bottle of pepto bismol

Let’s take this outside to the parking lot motherfucker. I’m gonna caress your face and lovingly gaze into the windows of your soul until you feel at peace. I’ll heal the 20 year old scars on your knees you got from not knowing how to roll in Heelys. Fucking idiot.

My flavor of autism is fighting with the Gilmore Girls subreddit mods.

A cryptid pregnancy doesn’t sound so bad, I just hope it’s a Mothman