He’ll have this framed in the Oval Office within a week.

I watch cinema the way it’s intended through a pair of binoculars into my neighbor, Frank “the suckers” curtain-less windows.

I get it now. Trump doesn’t love eating McDonald’s, he’s an FBI Informant tasked in taking down the Hamburglar.

Your English teacher and Gym teacher are getting married!

BREAKING NEW: Trump considering pardoning the remains of Jeffery Dahmer, claiming the guy was just hungry

Debating on how many henchmen is too many henchmen

ME: One day the bee’s will unite and take over world. Caricature artist: Okay, cool. Here’s the drawing of you riding a unicycle you wanted.

When the edible hits

Hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

My dad says you guys gotta let me play too!

Listen kid you wanna make it in the mime biz you better stop speaking up, and start thinking inside the box.

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

Sorry, Adam someone did it better

Nothing surprises me anymore. (A slight change in my daily routine) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!

My kids 2 minutes before we have to leave the house

I’m gettin swole this year, gonna stick my head into a beehive.

If someone tried to serve me this abomination, I’d throw myself off a roof.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I don’t just clap when the plane lands, I clap the entire flight.

On your first day of prison go up to the biggest guy and pay him a compliment. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind.

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

KID: I’m a brat! WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Has science gone too far?

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir, I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

[into walkie talkie] Your Mom & I are getting a divorce

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs. [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face] ME: What happened!? I’m a monster! DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing? ME: Have you been flossing? DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

“She says she doesn’t want to fuckin’ talk to you.”

DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT! [camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

FRIEND: Really makes ya think. ME: (leaning in way too close) Listen, buddy. Nothing makes me think.

gimme yule gimme fire don me now with gay attire

[bragging to buddies] You should see the other guy. [The other guy is married with kids. He's happy. It's been ten years since the fight]

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

[first day as a police sketch artist] ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic? WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

ME: (I unzip my fanny pack and pull out a smaller fanny pack) Does this answer your question? GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS: I didn’t ask you a question.

[getting an x-ray] TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest. ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

[first day as a doctor] me: inside of you are two wolves patient: …you mean lungs? me: (looking at x-ray again) you know what

Devie eggies!!

How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I'm good.

Dad will they ever find Waldo? I sure hope not son. *tosses red and white striped sweater into the fire* I sure hope not.

ME: Don’t see a lot of southpaws come through here. GUY AT THE NEXT URINAL: What?!