Me: These mountain paths are killing me My dwarf buddy: They're fine. My flowery language buddy, placing one hand on the ground: It is as if the very rock has been turned to stone..

Wife says she’s tired of the baroque aesthetic in our bedroom and wants more of a rococo vibe. Guess we’re spending the afternoon at the Viscount Furniture Outlet

Bro spotted skipping to he lou 🤣😂

Me: hey man watch out!! 😧 My buddy Ethelred The Unwary: Nay,

Wife says she’s tired of the baroque aesthetic in our bedroom and wants more of a rococo vibe. Guess we’re spending the afternoon at the Viscount Furniture Outlet

Whenever a serial killer is caught, you always hear that he had some sort of sick twisted perversion. I hope one day we'll hear about a serial killer who's just your average joe

Whenever a serial killer is caught, you always hear that he had some sort of sick twisted perversion. I hope one day we'll hear about a serial killer who's just your average joe

My wife's "water just broke" (???) and she's demanding medical attention "right now." What a Karen

Anton chigurh is disturbing because he shows us how sometimes the people who seem the most normal on the outside are the real psychos

The guy in the cubicle next to mine has a really high Basketball IQ

He isn’t the fastest player, nor the most athletic. He isn’t a great defender, and he certainly isn’t a star on the offensive end. His footwork is mediocre, as is his agility. His body control is far from elite, and his rebounding leaves much to be desired. No one would call him particularly explosi

What if this were the last thing you ever read?

(Meeting gynecologist at party) You know I’m something of an armchair gynecologist myself

I’m sick of hearing that I’m mentally ill from one armchair psychologist after another

Emailing my wife a 2-minute survey on how likely she is to recommend me to friends and family

Gerber baby food: now fortified with CBD

I’m a dude who wipes. That’s why I use Dude Wipes

Heating my knife so I can finally cut through this stick of soft butter

Explaining to my pregnant wife why it's actually a good thing that I forgot to buy the food she's craving

Do your own research: they're putting microchips in bags of Doritos

Tomb of the Unknown Small Business Owner

Suspects basically hate matching a description

Tomb of the Unknown Small Business Owner

Iannis Xenakis - Kottos (twee ukelele cover)

I am unfortunately the voice of a generation

What if a fire broke out at the conclave? Kind of a boy who cried wolf situation

Pointless toil is about more than just money

"Bless you" to anyone sneezing rn

A doomsday scenario would be devastating for the economy

Caesar should have known better than to trust a guy named "Brutus"

When you see a guy walk out of the grocery store with 36-pack of toilet paper, you know that guy wipes

No idea why it's embarrassing for someone to walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe. That's someone who you know has wiped

There should be an Arlington National Cemetery for small business owners

My wife's "water just broke" (???) and she's demanding medical attention "right now." What a Karen

I've seen Bigger Boppers

Going to the gym to take care of my pre-remains

No special effects required! My face is naturally blurred out

People from the gem biome don't have crusty genitalia. That's a vicious myth. We do shit crystal sand, though.

Releasing my man made fog across the city

When you finish varnishing the castle gate and see a battering ram crest yonder hill

Just because I was running in the same direction as you with my arms stretched ahead doesn't mean I was "chasing you"

(Breakthrough moment during therapy session) I might be a redneck

(To the mouse in my house) You know, last night you had no problem not stirring

I get sad thinking about Santa Claus dragging his emaciated body across a snowless North Pole

Look I don't care if you're white, black, purple, or perfectly clear

When I started out, I didn't have a pot to piss in. But now I have hundreds...