extoy.bandcamp.com/track/open-t... here's a new song 💋

extoy.bandcamp.com/track/open-t... here's a new song 💋

Explaining to my pregnant wife why it's actually a good thing that I forgot to buy the food she's craving

Do your own research: they're putting microchips in bags of Doritos

Tomb of the Unknown Small Business Owner

Suspects basically hate matching a description

Tomb of the Unknown Small Business Owner

Iannis Xenakis - Kottos (twee ukelele cover)

I am unfortunately the voice of a generation

What if a fire broke out at the conclave? Kind of a boy who cried wolf situation

Pointless toil is about more than just money

extoy.bandcamp.com/track/enemy Here's the first new song I've released in a long time, with more music to come soon. Synth punk from Baltimore

extoy.bandcamp.com/track/enemy Here's the first new song I've released in a long time, with more music to come soon. Synth punk from Baltimore

"Bless you" to anyone sneezing rn

A doomsday scenario would be devastating for the economy

Caesar should have known better than to trust a guy named "Brutus"

When you see a guy walk out of the grocery store with 36-pack of toilet paper, you know that guy wipes

No idea why it's embarrassing for someone to walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe. That's someone who you know has wiped

There should be an Arlington National Cemetery for small business owners

My wife's "water just broke" (???) and she's demanding medical attention "right now." What a Karen

I've seen Bigger Boppers

Going to the gym to take care of my pre-remains

No special effects required! My face is naturally blurred out

People from the gem biome don't have crusty genitalia. That's a vicious myth. We do shit crystal sand, though.

Releasing my man made fog across the city

When you finish varnishing the castle gate and see a battering ram crest yonder hill

Just because I was running in the same direction as you with my arms stretched ahead doesn't mean I was "chasing you"

(Breakthrough moment during therapy session) I might be a redneck

(To the mouse in my house) You know, last night you had no problem not stirring

I get sad thinking about Santa Claus dragging his emaciated body across a snowless North Pole

Look I don't care if you're white, black, purple, or perfectly clear

When I started out, I didn't have a pot to piss in. But now I have hundreds...

Walked into the emergency room and completely forgot what I went in there for

It's* the season

Only noticed that I'd accidentally walked into the women's restroom after I started peeing on the wall

People who say "Take a step back and look at the bigger picture" have never actually tried taking a step back. The picture gets smaller

Walked into the emergency room and completely forgot what I went in there for

I used to be a single smithereen before I stepped on that damn landmine

getting my ribs removed so i can suck my own ribs

I've gone paperless: no more separate letters in the mail each time someone likes my post

The reason they call World War I "The Great War" is because everyone in it had a great time

Movers: Where do you want us to put down this sofa, boss? Jamiroquai: Anywhere is fine

(Over drinks) I've heard horror stories about Count Dracula

They should have to disclose what type of monster's juice is in the energy drinks

Feeling sick today from eating an entire lifetime's worth of spiders last night

Go ahead. Attack my underbelly. You'll discover it is, in fact, rock hard