Builds a time machine. Goes to Toys R Us.

defeating the forces of fascism by challenging jd vance to a fiddle-playing contest on the outskirts of atlanta

White people love a reenactment

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

Allow me to recklessly speculate

Frappuccinos are great because you can drink a day's worth of calories in ten minutes.

Tonight is the season premiere of me complaining "why is it still so hot?"

Anyone who congratulates someone on LinkedIn about their work anniversary is a fucking cop.

We never actually stop clapping. The time between claps just varies.

[cashier holds bill up to light, studies it] Me: "You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?"

Take this big ribbon off my eyes Me: It’s a piñata, GWEN

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

life after death? you mean this shit continues???

When I see people crossing the street looking at their phones I wish Norman Rockwell were alive so he could paint that shit.

Breaking: Donald Trump dumps JD Vance and replaces him with the hunter from Jumanji.

I never want to be my own boss. I would quit. I hate working for assholes.

Juicy vine ripened chest fruit.

“Sooner or later” tells us absolutely nothing about when something will happen.

Do people who order medium pizza know about large pizza?

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Sometimes when I’m sweeping, I like to imagine the scene from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

The mother from "Carrie" in Trump's head repeating "They're all going to laugh at you"

I love long, romantic, walks, to the fridge.

not to ruin your trust in the world but anytime you see something labelled as "four-cheese," that final cheese is a bullshit cheese.

Anyone physically capable of finishing a 24oz can of Monster Energy Drink should be sponsored by Redbull.

There should be a national registry for people who post pictures of their treadmill display after a workout.

Yay! I’m finally old enough to pretend I can’t hear

My work here is don’t.

If I ever go missing, check under my mother's expectations.

Restitution isn't as relaxing as it sounds.

This day in history. 1999. In Michigan Eminem's mother Debbie sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

No one: Me: Business squirrels Everyone: *massive applause*

I’m with me 100 percent.

blade runner is my favorite movie about mishandling scissors

becoming more and more self-involved as a coping mechanism (or maybe I am just an asshole)

sticker shock in the cookie aisle

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

This scenario is exactly what Jamiroquai was warning us about and we didn't listen.

If I tell you about a show I'm watching and you say "oh like the game"... I have no idea what you're talking about, nerd

I will never outgrow chocolate milk. Just saying

I might mess around and pronounce the P in raspberry all day today.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I preemptively said "not today, thanks" and left

I love people watching. Well, person watching. Well, watching you. Go back to sleep.

Nuns send prudes.

I wish she’d call me

I ask everyone I meet if they’re a cop.

If you have a kick-ass life, please get a kick-ass haircut so I know that you are kicking ass.

Seriously calm the fuck down John.

"PARKOUR!" I scream as I fall down ten flights of stairs