Every generation needs its Galaxy Quest: a movie that, despite every individual element screaming that it can't be good, is actually good

Penguins-Flyers gonna light up Bluesky, the app for sports

Might be the greatest opening paragraph of anything ever.

Don't ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for Chuck Norris.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOU'RE TO BLAME DARLING YOU GIVE LOVE A

Happy March 15. Here is my favorite Ides of March meme:

Death comes for us all; even at our birth, death does but stand aside a little.

I've seen too many roadrunner cartoons to fall for this again

Another point for nominative determinism

from time to time I consider that basically everything with a spine likes being pet, and due to the vagaries of hand evolution Team Human has the best petters in the game

All this time it's been "Anchors Aweigh"????

Somebody FINALLY said it

Boss: And who should be the face of this sexy new network for teens? Me, first time I've spoken all meeting:

Hemingway was once bet that he couldn’t write the world’s happiest short story in just 5 words. He replied,

(walking up to an ape who is using a stick to scoop ants out of a rotting log and eat them) let me get a bite of those ants

POV you are about to lose at Guess Who

They should list the relationship status of the skaters because I don't like not knowing what's going on between those two.

Breaking: Tragedy at the Winter Olympics

6 year-old me: ROAST HIM

How are kids supposed to watch Price is Right if they have remote learning days instead of snow days??

I endorse the hiring of anyone, for any job, named Jim Bob Cooter

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

Just won $5,000 on an in-game parley! 1. Globetrotters win 2. Slam dunks, 25 (over) 3. Player hangs upside down from rim, 5 (over) 4. Referee atomic wedgies, 0.5 (over)

They're calling the N64 THE Christmas gift of 2025: Physical media Cannot connect to the internet Does not ask for money

"Ho, ho, ho, children! Here’s that crack you ordered in your stocking!"

if I were Scrooge, Jacob Marley showing up in chains would have been all it took. message received, thank you Jake, I will give Bob Cratchit a raise

As the kids say

Broken Windows Theory but for gingerbread houses

the best argument against cord-cutting — the one i would use if i were trying to market a cable company — is that streaming has yet to replicate the wonder of “stumbling across the last 30 minutes of My Cousin Vinny before bedtime”

SHOW JERRY JONES YOU COWARDS

getting a text in the middle of the night and it's just my loathsome vizier saying "Your enemies lie in wait, my lord!!" what am I supposed to do with that. its four in the morning

PA politicos will recall a direct line between this tendency, and the current makeup of the PA Supreme Court. www.cbsnews.com/news/pennsyl...

You could spend an entire career and $1 billion to uncover a more perfect situation for the tush push, and you'd fail.

As a communications professional and completely unrelated to my support for the Eagles, my advice is to Keep Doing This

WORLD SERIES SHRIMP WATCH WORLD SERIES SHRIMP WATCH WORLD SERIES SHRIMP WATCH

South ain't gonna rise again on our watch

THE VIBES ARE GOOD AGAIN

They need to give the Nobel Prize to whoever invented this thing

Nothing better than watching sports and getting a new battle to read about this week. Being a 40+ dad rules.

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Witnessed a ribbon cutting at a new rest stop in OH. I wasn't sure what was going on since it was packed. I asked a guy at the door if I could enter. A short old man, some official, emerged from the crowd and hobbled forward, arms outstretched, and said "Yes! Come in! Come in and use the bathroom!"

Do you think he knew?

I got permission to share this, and I'm extremely grateful for that. The Onion got this letter from one of our subscribers in Alaska. She works with dementia patients and decided to leave a copy in the car for each one. This email made my year. Read it and you'll see what I mean. People are good.

I've loaded 15.9 tons. Almost there. Can't wait to see what I get.

My partner & I were trying to ID a bird we heard while walking and the guy who had stopped his car to let us pass got out and was like "it's a frog, actually. Cope's Gray. I do frog surveys... Sorry" And then got in his car without a word and drove off. Absolute king

What the heck is it about police chiefs refereeing???