Seasons don’t matter. Iced coffee is just who I am.

Single parenting is insane.. Just when you think you’ve got your ducks corralled, you trip, knock open the gate and they are out of control.. Again..

Dinner is served 😋

A dating app for the over 50's called Napchat

Nice view this morning.

"I bet when you cook, your secret ingredient is love" No, it's salt, dumbass.

If you see this, quote this post with a video game that transports you back to your childhood !

leave my checkered past out of this

the shitposters ball

so apparently “fuck this shit and then some” isn’t an actual cup size at starbucks.

me contemplating whether or not to have a 5th piece of cake

You don't really know me, if you haven't watched me eat lasagna

If you mean the percentage of people online at this hour yeah sure you could say I’m the 1%.

i've replaced the g string on my guitar so i can play you a thong

cease and desist deez nuts, your honor

fine, i’ll guess i’ll go adult now.

bill murray in famous works of art: thread

“Ohhh and ill take one Paul Rudd …” Ma’am this is a Wendy’s.

i don’t kill with kindness i kill with absence

Yes the fuck you can. - Me, as a life coach.

Making her dinner is sexy af

What’s wrong babe will your girlfriend get mad if you repost me?

If no one told you today, tomorrow is Monday.

It’s officially fuck this shit o’clock because why is it only Tuesday?!

BREAKING: smoking allowed on planes again. not just tobacco. blaze whatever tf you want

Good morning. ☕

I’ll never be as happy as when the school janitor would throw the lost balls off the roof during recess

Being uncomfortable in bed seems like the ultimate betrayal.

Come back to bed with me.

Behind my sarcasm is everything, what you never comprehend.

Me: *stands on one leg* My flamenco teacher: No.

normalize normal bodies

I’ve been weed eating the yard all week where’s my trophy wife

My wife: *doing a crossword puzzle* What's another name for the earth? Me: Wrong google babe, my server farm is like one goat and a few chickens.

when men say “but you know how women are” to me, a woman, i should be able to push them into a vat of acid and not catch a charge.

women & children first, i yell heroically from the dentists waiting room

my bluesky crush is anyone i'm able to lure into my watery lair

top secret plans to seize the Panama Canal on Snapchat

Some loves don’t come twice. Honest, all consuming, once in a lifetime loves. And when it was over, I didn’t look for another. I knew better. You don’t chase what was only meant to be survived.

An existence with no twin, Eyes that melt me like fire, A soul that draws you in, Body dripping with desire, The foundation of my sin.

Adulthood is rigged.. like how is it already Monday!?

i’m moving next weekend and dreading it, but very much looking forward to the moment it’s over. if you wanna help me make it mine - 🩷 www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...