Christmas caroling in my neighborhood to Slob On My Knob this year.

rain sounds (black screen, 12 hours, no ads) and chill

Lo-Fi to fall asleep to but make it metal.

So there I was, Taco Bell’s fire sauce on my tiddies…

sorry to interrupt but you’re enchanting

draw me like one of your night ghouls

Not to brag, but I am close personal friends with several goats

entering my falling-to-pieces era

My wakeup alarm is anxiety-ridden dread.

*goes on a late-night jog in my short shorts just tryna get unsolved mysteried*

When you see this, skeet a pic from your gallery to describe your mental health.

guillermo del toro’s pippy longstocking

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. *gets a lobotomy*

If you think you're in love with me you should know I chew gum in my sleep.

I say “I’m fine” a lot for someone who is grinding their teeth into chalk dust.

irritable scowl syndrome

opening a teeny tiny door inside an enchanted grandfather clock to retrieve my whimsy

maybe our insomnia will sync up one day

Shower thoughts: Can you clone someone by their ear wax?

I just emptied the trash on my phone of all the images I've deleted over the last month and my phone literally weighs less.

First step of the plan has already failed so it’s actually not over for you bitches.

I have developed a plan. It’s over for you, bitches.

“Don’t suffer in silence” Me: that’s the only way I know how

yeah

An ode to his commode, if you will.

Writing poetry on his toilet paper to show him my love is real.

Christmas budget: ditch loved ones, buy books for myself.

Getting my fingers tangled in your hair would fix me…

Our Mother, who art in Dollywood, hallowed be thy name.

Me flirting: I have wine and cherry pie

An eternity in a lake of fire sounds pretty good right about now.

you can lead a man to water but he still won’t wash his butthole with it

A silica gel packet for my balls.

Suplexing a can of biscuits to get it open

Thanksbutnothanksgiving

Writing jokes about mufflers has me exhausted...

An eternity in a lake of fire sounds pretty good right about now.

speak to me in 90s lyrics

a lost and found but for the day before the day it all began to unravel

My brain keeps singing "Cotton eyed Joe"... for no reason.

oh you think your skin is moisturized enough? start dry brushing i dare you and see what happens

taking a break from life *falls asleep

Did you think I was joking?

Adding “kind of a bitch sometimes at work but not in a bad way” to my LinkedIn profile

Those chunks aren’t gonna blow themselves.

GUESS I'M HAVING ONE A.M. UNFROZEN PIZZA FOR DINNER

I hope the coroner lets me keep one leg out of the body bag or I’ll never be able to R.I.P.

over 18k posts is clearly a sign of a well balanced person and not a desperate cry for help

I have nightmares that I'm going to live way longer than I can afford to.

Post your warning label. This is mine: