I am gonna start using "circumstances pertaining to Government, and my love for the United States of America, do not allow me to do so" as my new go-to excuse for getting out of plans with people.

I was looking for a different historical booking/purchase thing in my ancient Hotmail account and found my first Red Sox ticket purchase from 2006 and, by golly, I think I'm gonna be sick.

My only food delivery opinion is that hot dog guns should be available to all entrepreneurs, not just stadium mascots.

I'm getting reverse-cyberbullied; a bunch of wonderful humans are saying very nice things about me on the world-wide web.

OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child

we gotta stuff Jeffrey Preston Bezos into a volcano and, if that doesn't make a dent, we gotta stuff other rich motherfuckers into volcanos ... this is the entirety of my 2028 platform ... please ask my cat for more information, she'll either fax you the info or eek eek eek at a gutter squirrel

[P] quote with a fictional band that is not Spinal Tap

listening to Noah Kahan while trying to clean out an office after 20 years 0/10 - would not recommend overcaffeinated broski getting emo and melancholy over old meeting notes and knick-knacks and shit ... absolutely ridiculous behavior

Impeachment is no longer sufficient. He must be dangled by a crane over the yawning pit of the demolished ballroom and shaken by his bloated ankles until all the money falls out. This is the new median position

I can't believe we turned "Laptop Worker" into a term of derision. We now have the tech and business models to allow millions of people to make a living in ways unthered to a farm plot, assembly line,, or cubicle. That's very cool! Do not project your weird yearning for the mines on to me.

(getting convicted of a crime i committed) The government is being weaponized against me

what do you call it when the president steals an unfathomable amount of wealth from the treasury and then declares it illegal to investigate him

and now, your moment of zen. 🎥 (https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYhEwUvv67q/)

my gf works corporate and is on a training about AI and there's a word cloud for "what do you use AI for." the largest word by far is "Nothing" and the trainer is PISSED

found the Globo Gym burner account

It's going to be 96°F/36°C today. Make sure to visit a data center and run through the sprinklers they let the computers play in.

I’m so furious about how stupid everything is

This is peak AI mania: identify a task that has long been well- and cheaply-handled by human beings, pay to use an LLM (which is ill-suited for the task), and be completely shocked when it goes disastrously.

it's cool that the president is trying to steal two billion dollars from my taxes to give to his pedophile friends and i'm supposed to like keep doing my job or whatever

When Democrats take control, I want a slush fund to compensate everyone who had to live through a decade of this unhinged nonsense.

So you CAN get reparations you just have to be a reactionary white person who tries to overthrow the government because black votes shouldn’t count

Biscuits & Gravy, Hash Browns, Sausage, and Six (6) Cups of Coffee (assuming there are no free refills)

wishing a hearty "go fuck yourself" to the asshole who tossed their iced coffee in the book drop over the weekend #librarylife

'tis time for my annual spring re-watch of 'Major League' and, as ever, I cannot stress nearly enough how much I love this movie

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle.

Nobody wants a CEO to give a commencement speech. Put a Muppet up there. Those grads earned some fun.

drop someone blonde

goddammit ... called this one (derogatory)

reciting this with my children before hopping in my F-150 Raptor and taking the long way to Applebee’s to avoid the street where last week my cousin saw an “ethnic”

78 degrees and no cloud cover felt like running on the surface of the sun today ... the real summer weather is absolutely going to kill me dead this year

Birth rate discourse and Nolan Odyssey discourse both suffer from the same problem, and it’s the same problem that we’ve wrestled with for a decade - the loudest, dumbest, and most reactionary voices get out ahead of something in discourse and we spend all our time responding to them

wishbone could play hannah montana but miley cyrus couldn’t play sherlock holmes

I honestly hope at least 90% of currently elected Democrats lose their jobs the next available chance in favor of people who actually believe power can be used to shape needed change for the people they're allegedly meant to represent. It's our only hope.

Who came out on top in the negotiations between President Trump and China's Xi Jinping? We asked four unvaccinated Buffalo Sabres fans who'd been ejected from an NHL playoff game.

How do Americans feel about the war? We asked ten big city homosexuals to share their thoughts.

During the pandemic that killed a million Americans there was no talk about sacrifice from republicans. If you said it wasn’t safe to go to Dave & Busters because there were no more hospital beds available you were a traitor to America. But a war of choice? Better start your liberty garden now.

I just got "Dear Colleague'd" on my "we're laying you off" reminder email. As if I'd forgotten that I'm getting laid off next month.

flare gork ground ball ground ball with eyes dying quail one more dying quail

Killing the world’s richest man by rapidly spiking his cortisol with cooler and cooler film casting choices

Feels like next time we should not let the 500 worst people in the country be in charge of everyone else

To watch all the NFL games next year you'll need: CBS FOX NBC Peacock ESPN Amazon Prime Netflix Hulu Paramount Plus AppleTV Minus Disney ExactlyTheSame The Rice-a-Roni app LG Model 3120G Washer/Dryer with CleanSwish™ Tumble-Pro Technology 2000mg of LSD that allows you to access The Phantasma Realm

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

I can accept the Muppets being in commercials because they’re showbiz people. I cannot accept the Sesame Street Muppets being in commercials because they’re educators.

in a way, isn’t causing men to crash out before she’s even done anything just proof that Lupita is perfect for Helen of Troy

still not quite over the fact that i watched 15 year olds get sued for millions of dollars for downloading twelve songs and now we all have to accept AI slop because every tech company in the known universe decided that IP laws don't exist now that they're inconvenient for them

What good fortune! I might be getting laid off in a month, but this morning I received this not at all sketchy letter offering me untold riches in exchange for what appears to be some light-to-moderate drug mule-ing.

good thread

flare gork ground ball ground ball with eyes dying quail one more dying quail

look this only sounds offensive until you realize he thinks he’s talking about some kind of gasoline leprechaun