I can’t believe this is the year the Twins win the Pennant

"9 million showing up at protests across the country is NBD. Now back to our frothy coverage of these friendless little babies at CPAC."

hello 👋 i have developed a new tool called blüuümpíi. blüuümpíi will convert every file on your hard drive to a .wav file without asking you, maximize your system volume, and play them on every bluetooth speaker you have ever connected to. if you offer feedback on blüuümpíi i will take legal action

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

just realized that I left my iced coffee back in the loading dock

guess what your favorite wannabe chicago degenerate found at the packie next to campus this afternoon

There should be a rule that if you are a Known Sports Poster you can say things like “holy fucking shit” with zero context but if you are primarily a Known Politics Poster that gets you like a two day ban

who/what is the target audience for this shit?! who is this supposed to appeal to?! this dude needs to fuck off forever, ideally with intent and verve and without mercy

My wife and I are in the midst of a heated debate about the ubiquity of bed skirts and I am in need of some quick data to (ideally) prove my point. . . . . . . . . . . . Do you have a bed skirt? Yes or No

they like trump and want to help him rule over us. so you set the narrative to dismiss the impact of protests (contrast to promotion of much-smaller anti-lockdown or "truckers convoy" protests)

we'll fix it in post

thoughts on today: 1) the protests are good, actually 2) you should go to one of you can 3) it will do you good to see how many other people also hate this guy 4) you might meet people who you can organize with 5) there are more of us than there are of them 6) we are going to win

next time we should try a government staffed by people who are good at their jobs to see if things work out better

guess what your favorite wannabe chicago degenerate found at the packie next to campus this afternoon

Not that Dems need to be more hawkish or anything but they should absolutely run on “they wasted billions of dollars, munitions, and lives to produce one of the greatest strategic failures in American history”

Salvy teaching Doug Eddings the bottom of the strike zone. Over and Over and Over again. But Eddings refuses to learn. 😂

if we collectively learn nothing else from this administration- if the coral reefs still dissolve, if the constitution still crumbles- at least we may have taught the Podcaster Class that taking a government job will ruin your life

RIP Barker Library (1916-2026)

There should be a button on every Zillow rental listing that lets you send the landlord to jail

Alright so here’s the thing - Cheeseburger Omakase is something that George Motz should be doing at Hamburger America

I think a lot about how the entire conservative movement is rooted in cowardice. Fear of cities. Fear of immigrants. Fear of anyone who looks or loves differently. Fear of angering their leader. They tell themselves they’re tough and brave, but they’re all such fucking cowards.

You really can't exaggerate how squarely contrary this rhetoric is to the basic foundational precepts of this country. These people *hate* the actually existing United States.

I think that all teams should play on Opening Day, except for the Rockies who we need to keep hidden from the general public for as long as we can. They can't know our shame as baseball fans, they can't know the name Dick Monfort.

there's something very surreal about doing something you've done literally thousands of times over 20 years and knowing that it's the last time you're ever gonna do it #librarylife #RIPBarker

They mostly show soccer on the bar tvs in my neighborhood and my reaction to that on baseball day is my most toxic trait.

pope is going to excommunicate the White Sox pitching staff

I’m watching Twins baseball ☺️ Nothing can hurt me now ☺️ Except for Twins baseball ☺️☺️☺️

It’s still remarkable, to occasionally catch yourself watching on split-screen as two utterly forgettable, mid-rotation starters pump in 97 MPH heaters in their respective games.

big, if true

delusional/optimistic Twins fan checking in on Opening Day while we are 𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 tied for first in the division

Remember in 2024 when there were no trans women at the Olympics to bash so they just made one up? Really indicative of the whole transphobic backlash: elite panic about a problem that couldn't be more imaginary

The ancient scrolls tell us that, in the Before Time, a president's admission that his administration had not considered the obvious likelihood of the war widening when they first attacked Iran would lead to immediate congressional hearings.

Too many of you are posting about Rowling, when you should be posting about Rawlings. The sweet sound of the ball hitting the web of a glove, the crack of the bat. It’s opening day, go out there and catch a few innings of your favorite squadron.

Ahh yes, nothing says “let kids be kids” like “using fancy calligraphy to sign checks.” Why, I remember when I signed my first check at the age of 8, using a fountain pen made of whale femur and ink from a Humboldt squid

If I ever had a DNA editing robot I’d probably name it Gene Hackman as a little joke.

Seven-word death punch

𝓨𝓔𝓢

57 of my fellow students were arrested, academically disciplined, and barred from campus 2 weeks before finals. And then the visas of some of those students were quietly revoked. And then the DEI office was killed. And then we watched our mentors’ grants evaporate over “woke”.

Weird to realize the one area of life where I actually have gotten more conservative as I’ve gotten older is “Opening Day should involve the Cincinnati Reds on regular TV for an afternoon game”

Aaron Judge on pace for 648 strikeouts, which would be a new record

If I were Logan Webb, I would simply stop allowing the New York Yankees to keep scoring runs.

delusional/optimistic Twins fan checking in on Opening Day while we are 𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 tied for first in the division

when you guys make me commissioner of baseball there wont be an “opening night” game (on netflix no less?!? jfc), there will only be opening day and every team will play their first game of the year on the same day and there will be televised games from noon-1 am et

Nothing says "Opening Day" more than the Dodgers putting six pitchers on the IL