I just want to be gone before the food wars start

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Be the funny awkward silence breaker you want to see in the world

I have lowered my expectations and 2026 will be just ok

Tonight's mood: I hope a rogue planet crashes into Earth

Oops that didn't sound well (Me hearing myself talk)

With two weeks left to go in 2025, my biggest fear is that we haven't yet reached the bottom.

Tuesday Dec 16, Office I’d rather be making coffee somewhere.

you’re a thousand years ahead my emotions

*seizes the day* *looks at the news* *gives the day back*

but by Friday I’m revived

microwaves be like here’s your hot bowl of cold food

I've seen every season of me and I still don't understand my current episode...

We just moved into the "that sounds like a January problem" part of December.

Your humor isn't inappropriate enough. Goes home.

on Monday they destroy me - lana del rey

don’t you care about thinking about peace?!

I have a carton of hatred, and I've filled boxes with evil.

I don't mind missing the boat. I've seen Titanic.

if i die suddenly delete my search history i dont want mom to know i have to check the spelling of everyday words

no one: reality: check again.

life’s short, why confront someone when you could avoid them?

maybe you’re in the middle of what you prayed for

what a horrible, horrible night to not have Bagel Bites in my freezer. just horrible.

I absolutely insist you love me forever.

I have not, and absolutely will not ever, learn a fact

Live Love Lube

at the end of the day we are the same story.

Dear everyone, please stop telling the internet your problems and simply be funny. It’s not that hard.

I can’t stop thinking about a chicken sandwich I almost bought yesterday.

“our crooked dreams will always glow”

Racing thoughts so fast I could have been a competitive thinker.

I’m not pushing 30, you’re pushing 30! *cries*

Me? I’m just hesitantly living life.

All of my stories are true.

You're the funniest person I know, crazy category

Make plans like an adult and believe in them like a child

Some days are stranger than others. Some days make you pray that the next one won't come.

We go together like bathtubs and toasters

what if i just climb back into bed

your email will be forwarded nowhere to be read by no one. enjoy your Friday.

Conquer the world? Buddy, I’m lucky if I can get out of bed two days in a row.

when i say i'm back i'm way back i'm old

All my recipes are for disaster.

citizen kane couldn’t be made today because all of those people are dead

In my defense, I’m terrible at defending myself

I bring confusion to the table.

Wait, don't go. I can fuck it up more

I’m no therapist, but maybe you should stop gauging how much you love someone by how many mental breakdowns they make you have.