on and off everything you’ll be fine

Thinking about maybe doing better. But just thinking.

growing up is willingly subscribing to newsletters

I’m like a server, even if my screen is off I’m on.

can someone just baja blast me into outer space

the fewer apps you have the happier you’ll be I sweareth

man I hate these next few years

I do very good in denial

chinese new year changed me

When you are asked what on earth you are talking about. The correct response is ‘you are asking the wrong person.’

someone come drive me home

My coffee pods are on their way. They’ve been podcasted.

AI will not take my job, neither of us can do it

this is me faking it

Your Mom.

“i’m going in! cover me!” —me getting into bed

I appreciate planet earth every time I take a shower. Water is awesome!

keys stones wallet phone

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

I don’t like listening to music anymore, you call yourselves artists but y’all suck.

My therapist says I need to just calm the fuck down

I am highly allergic to being in situations

sorry i called your kid "it"

buy a goat, It is widely accepted when you reach this level of desperation.

flew too close to the sun because she attached some sort of value to her work performance

“I have not yet begun to shitpost.” -Unknown

I just want to be gone before the food wars start

Hello! We’ve sent you a text to remind you that you have an email reminding you about a text that will send you an email that will send you a text. When we are finished with the service, we will email you and text. Please call or text if you don’t want us to text or email or call. - Every company

Be the funny awkward silence breaker you want to see in the world

I have lowered my expectations and 2026 will be just ok

Tonight's mood: I hope a rogue planet crashes into Earth

Oops that didn't sound well (Me hearing myself talk)

With two weeks left to go in 2025, my biggest fear is that we haven't yet reached the bottom.

Tuesday Dec 16, Office I’d rather be making coffee somewhere.

you’re a thousand years ahead my emotions

*seizes the day* *looks at the news* *gives the day back*

but by Friday I’m revived

microwaves be like here’s your hot bowl of cold food

I've seen every season of me and I still don't understand my current episode...

We just moved into the "that sounds like a January problem" part of December.

Your humor isn't inappropriate enough. Goes home.

on Monday they destroy me - lana del rey

don’t you care about thinking about peace?!

I have a carton of hatred, and I've filled boxes with evil.

I don't mind missing the boat. I've seen Titanic.

if i die suddenly delete my search history i dont want mom to know i have to check the spelling of everyday words