Dropped a freaking watermelon between the driver’s seat and console and my hand still couldn’t fit to grab it.

*the illusion that the shiny part of the loading bar is increasing the progress part each time it hits the right edge.*

I figured it out! …it’s bubbles! The Grape Rush™ Celsius drink tastes just like the soapy water solution they sell with children’s bubble toys.

Pronouncing “pilot lights” like Pilates.

The haptic feedback when doing this in an instagram chat is kind of unsettling.

ACAB includes circle pizzas with 5 servings. *grabs protractor and pizza cutter*

Until you walk a mile in my clown shoes, you'll never know what it takes to keep this circus running.

can't believe they made Lip into Springsteen

I did a full after dinner kitchen clean only to hear my family making cookies at 8 pm. How are you doing?

How to stay safe during an encounter with police: 1. Wear glasses 2. Say "you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses"

this east coast internet bullshit is affecting my west coast weed order man

curious if this work zoom team building game is supposed to make me depressed

I want to be more sexual, I’ve decided to become a Disney adult.

Seattle says, quoth the Macklemymore nevermore

why yes, lady with a cracked iPhone, i’d love it if you'd hold my baby

My last two brain cells just got into a slap fight over a cookie

tape measure or measuring tape?

there is a bat flapping around the print shop I’m working in

TV: *shows US president for even a second* 2yo: I want a DIFFERENT Gru!

Not everyone gets it. I actually prefer it that way

Yeah, you're still a party animal if you sometimes want to be in bed by ten on a Saturday. Like a sloth or koala, but an animal.

Time to buttchug a Red Bull and get this party started* *put on cozy jammies and play video games until I get too sleepy

Stevie Biscuits -Fleetwood Snack

The car-shaped grocery carts are in high demand on Saturday mornings.

All of my shortcuts just lead to roadblocks

*stands outside Mastodon holding a boombox over my head*

Sorry, I would have liked your skeet, but it was on 69 and I didn’t want to ruin it.

Straight Outta Nordstrom

There’s really no punk rock way to make a solar system out of birthday cake.

Be careful saying negative things about yourself breathing through bamboo from the bottom of a pond. People walking by will tell the pond positive things about it and you'll believe them I love you pond

In lieu of crying, I will eat all of these 3 Musketeers Minis

Fellow Cubs fans what flashbacks will we be having tomorrow night: 2016 or everything else

Shopping cart drag races. In the library stacks. At 2am. Covered in glow in the dark paint. Think about it and let me know if you're in.

Me: *thinking to myself after someone wrongs me* You made an inconsequential and powerless enemy today my friend

You guessed I had to be there in such a convincing way that I knew you weren't guessing and I hereby christen this time machine the I'm Ready To Laugh Now

Not enough people hate me. Going to form a ska band.

Hot, melted cheese. I have spoken.

Coming this fall on The Myth of Sisyphus: Blowing leaves off the patio 🍂

I am learning to say no under the disguise of an giant exaggerated cough.

How many Dude Wipes does it take you to get ready in the morning? Asking for another dude.

I wonder if pirates who had to walk the plank got in trouble for running.

I can't think of any gentle way to say this, so I am just going to come right out and say it: None of your spooky handles scare me one bit. Not even a little. Sorry.

My favorite potato chips are Threengles. Which are just normal Pringles, but you eat them in stacks of three.

“You know what this tv show needs!” “What?” “A podcast!” “Brilliant!” - Some idiots probably

why's it called a speed bump if i have to slow down? why's it called a bumper if i can't bump a few people? just a lil tap? no?

Dad says I can own a lib when I'm old enough to take care of it by myself

People are too nonchalant about the fact that birds can talk.

When I get old, I'm just going to sit on a park bench blabbering my shitposts to the pigeons.

I will delete my posts and leave your replies orphaned idgaf