Looking for a sports team to become a fan of but none of you seem to enjoy being fans of the ones you mention

Before caffeine I'm not funny. After caffeine, I'm also not funny, but I'm more anxious about it

crazy they called it aleve PM when the active ingredient is literally NAProxen

guessing zillow ended up zillow because doomscroller™️ was trademarked

Inflation is out of control. 20 years ago you could purchase 10 CDs for a penny and a promise.

i wonder if baby will get the Mrs' eyebrows or my eyebrow

When we're dead it's because all our electrical impulses are ghosting each other but seriously always respond to your eerie sounds and presences

It's 5 o'clock somewhere! ...I say to my boss as I dramatically shut down my work computer at 9:00 am.

When I say funny things in my house only a few people laugh. Look, I love my family but this is not sustainable.

Posting online is a great way to discover bad opinions you didn't know you held

We are your people doing anything other than actual work. We are your online game players. We are your shitposters. We are your reply guys. We are your people watching ten second video clips for hours. We are your internet rabbit hole followers. We are everywhere. And we will be heard.

Because email, slack, push notifications, automated phone calls, carrier pigeon, and smoke signals were not enough. Jira is now releasing a new feature where a rep will personally ring your doorbell to notify you of every single change to every single work item.

quite distressed to learn that these carpenter ants are not the boon to my woodworking business that i thought they would be

Hyperbole? What about a little more chillbole, bro?

Marriage: To have and to hold. Divorce: To hold onto half.

walk-in freezers should have little heaters

If pig latin is written in lower case is it piglet latin?

there’s a minor flaw in my plan of promising everything to everyone tomorrow

me: you mick jaggered me ex gf: huh me: you made a grown man cry ex gf: in that case aren't you technically the one that mick jaggered? me: *sniffling* SHUT UP

I’m at that age where if I sleep wrong, I get a new personality disorder.

doesn’t get it but likes anyway, my bsky autobiography

If our scrum overlords knew how much time we spent discussing the difference between a one-pointer and two-pointer, they would burn their robes and leave the order forever.

I was expecting more than just a punch in the stomach for my performance review

I put the hell in hello

A lot of people don’t know this, but a hazelnut is actually a legume. People don’t normally know this because I just made that up.

🎶you're so vane you probably just spin on top of a barn🎵

Some souvenirs you arrive with, like hope from space that your birth planet has gift shop OB/GYN's in little snow globes, your name is chosen by a novelty license plate

the British say aluminium because they only have small kinds

Prime rib is rib that can only be divided by 1 and itself.

Looking back, I'm glad Taco Bell never had a ball pit.

Look at me! I’m a submarine. -me as a whale

Ever walked into a room and forgot how to feel?

I'll only come to a rolling stop in the name of love.

80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is

Words don't always get down easy but when they do it's a load bearing dance move like the heartfelt absurdity

Now playing

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist

Is this STILL water? -frustrated Jesus

I’m really excited for all these non-required plans I made to be over.

It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”

Daaa bears

on this day exactly 25 years ago, I pointed at a beautiful woman across the street & said "that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day,” but it turned out to be a lamppost

“Coconut LaCroix tastes like the drawing of a coconut” is the most accurate way I have ever heard LaCroix described.

*plain water is an awesome beverage*

It doesn't hurt to buy more chocolate

i miss the good ol' days when throwing the pigskin around meant tossing a swine carcass

There should be a gameshow where you’re blindfolded in a fast food restaurant and have to identify which one by smell.

MENU: Two eggs Your Way ME: Yeah, can I order the two eggs your way, but can I get them my way?

Germanating some seeds. Putting little lederhosen on them.