#ASongOrMovieForUnwinding Talkin' About My Meditation

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants

If I managed a baseball team, all my decisions would be based on hunches, solar flares, and the ominous massing of blackbirds

#CelebrateFilmsBecause they make your day.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention dressed as a doctor. The security guard suspected that I wasn't the Real McCoy.

#ASongOrMovieForDaysInAutumn Legends of the Falling Leaves

#MyMiniGolfWouldBeCalled Prrrrfect Putt

Will glass coffins ever become popular? Remains to be seen.

#WeCanBeFriendsOnlyIf you've been approved by our feline inspection unit.

Religion… It’s easier than critical thinking.

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

#PastimesInASongOrMovie The Hunger Gamers

#IPressThePauseButtonWhen I need to restock the snacks

#ASongOrMovieForWorldCities Wouldn't It Be Nice

The world was a better place when we didn't know what was on everybody's mind.

“Do you want me to give you lots of attention or leave you alone?” Me: Yes.

you have such a good memory & i have … hold on, it’ll come to me.,

#ImNotASuperHeroBut my dog thinks I am

#InsteadOfTalkingStart an interpretive dance off

"The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" just dropped its first response to ABC, FCC chair, and Disney firing Jimmy Kimmel. Trump ain't sleeping tonight. 🤣 This is a must-watch. 🔥🍿🥤

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

My wife works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper

#SongsAndBandsForDogs Runaround Shih Tzu

#SongsAndBandsForDogs Airedale Supply

#ItsNotTheApocalypseUntil you have been visited by four horse men

I asked a friend how it was going down at the National Ambidextrous Society. He said people are joining left and right.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

#ASongOrMovieForUsingWater The Shower of Love

#ASongOrMovieForUniformUsers Meter Maid in Manhattan

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and only go after Brians.

I’m down to 1 percent on my phone battery but my god I’ve never felt more ali

#ImGettingReadyForFallBy getting my broom detailed. 🤨

#ImGettingReadyForFallBy gettin my sweata on.

#AllAboutMexicoInASongOrMovie Mariachi Me Bill

Donna Dumpty anxiously awaiting word on her husband’s condition.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Getting older means growing hair in weird places. Like, just last week, I spontaneously sprouted mutton chops at a truck stop in Des Moines.

#ASongOrMovieForAllAboutGeology Sweet Erosion

#IRaiseMyVoiceOnlyWhen you step on my tale.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

#WaysToDanceInASongOrMovie Twerking Girl

#WhenYouDontKnowHowTo do it Just fake it, 'til you make it.

What if you’ve already fallen in love… …and then they say “eckspecially”?

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

#BeveragesInASongOrMovie All I Really Need, Is a Little Good Brew

#ImNotSociableBut I will share a square

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that. My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Never mind… I’m just gonna seize tomorrow.