There should be a zoo experience where you try to outdrink a panda

Good versus evil lacks nuance. Why not try “mediocre versus kinda mopey?”

ME: if the singular of geese is goose then the singular of cheese is choose MCDONALDS CASHIER: okay here’s your chooseburger

“Morning, Stan.” “Hey, Artie.” “I like the new roof thingy.” “It’s called a 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘢.” “Oooh… pardon moi.”

you’d think she’d look happier

#MyCatsNewYearsResolution Think inside the box.

#ASongOrMovieForWaysToGreet Handshake It Off

#ASongOrMovieForMoviePlots The Wild, Wild Quest

Enjoy waking up scared shitless? Ask your doctor if this administration is right for you!

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.

I love it when I’m hitchhiking across the desert and a semi carrying ufo parts races by, gently moving my sideburns in the breeze

#PastaMealsInASongOrMovie Gnocchi on Heaven's Door

#ASongOrMovieForGameShows The Greatest Gong Show Man

For over two thousand years Christians have been warning us about the antichrist. When he finally shows up, they vote him into office. Twice. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Chocolate smudges at the edges of the pages are my telltale sign

Monteverdi called, your check bounced and he wants his lute back

-you have beautiful hair -thanks. I grew it myself

2026 is working for me so far but on the other hand I haven't left the house or spoken to anyone except Rooster.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two - one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

#IFindMyMotivationIn just doing shit.

#SayGoodByeTo2025 Goodbye 2025. Catch you on the flippity flip.

The placebo effect was named after John Placebo, who loved effects

establish dominance at fast food restaurants by practicing your karate kicks while standing in line

Kids got me a t-shirt that says, “Probably One of the Top 25 Dads in the Neighborhood.”

#WhatINeedToChangeIn2026 my cattitude.

#RealisticResolutionsFor2026 eat more cake.

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

I look for the Hitchcock cameo in every one of your posts

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

#ASongOrMovieForAllInstruments One Flugelhorned Over the Cuckoo's Nest

#ASongOrMovieForAllInstruments Clarinet de la Lune

The 5 signs of laziness 1.

Every morning I announce that I'm going for a jog, but then I don't go... It's a running joke...

#WeirdReasonsToHaveCake You deleted all your cookies

#ButcherASongOrBand Leave a Tenderloin Moment Alone

what’s wrong, babe? you’ve barely touched your grinchamole.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer ? She may be entitled to compensation. Call Santa & Rudolph injury attornies. 1-800-SLEIGHED

I've eaten enough cookies to kill a Victorian child

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really got off the ground.

#ASongOrMovieForBoxingDay25 Wake Me Up, Before You BOGO

#MyNoteToSantaSays I'm so sorry, I deleted all my cookies.

Christmas teaches us that it's okay to break into someone's house as long as you're leaving stuff.

I'd rather drink goat's blood.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

- Housebroken - Great with kids and adults - Thrice-divorced - Masters in English Literature - Marxist - Loves to cuddle

#SexySantaSnacks Schweddy balls

#HowToAvoidALastMinuteRush call Door Dasher

CBS NEWS: “We can’t report on the current murdering spree until we get the serial killer’s side of the story.”

It was when she called me a rural simpleton that I knew I would have to look up both those words.