#ASongOrMovieForWaysToLearn YouTube Lights Up My Life

#Witchcraft101Says don't text and fly.

I, too, abhor a vacuum. Not any too fond of dishwashers either.

A newly engaged neighbor asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

#IfIWereToBeOnSesameStreet you could count on me.

#WhatIDoWithNutsIs for me to know, and cashew to find out.

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

The sequel to The Breakfast Club is called The Early Bird Special Club.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

#HereComesThe bun

#SocialMediaIsNotMeantFor Conspiracy truth

Ooo America you in trouble girl

Allow me to play devil’s avocado

I was supposed to marry a tailor's daughter, but she left me at the altar!!

#IfIWereAMagician I'd pull a rabbit out of my cat.

#ASongOrMovieForUrbanFacilities The Power Grid of Love

I'm tired of robots on the internet making me verify that I'm not a robot on the internet.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

#TurkeysOfDoom still can't fly

#LittleDoesntMean a teeny weenie

It is my sincere belief that my office chair is ruining my body and possibly my entire life

hey, i have good posts but you don’t know them they live in canada

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

#PutChocolateInAShowOrMovie Kinder Surprise Cop

#ThePotatoPeople fry harder

Ever have a stir-fry outside? It's just a wok in the park.

Some people say I'm too vague. But I say, it's as clear as... well, you know.

#EatingHealthyDoesntMean you can't have a tweet now and then

#ASongOrMovieForTakeoutFood Big Mac and Me

OMG! It’s already New Year’s Eve in Australia!!!

#ASongOrMovieForCommonSense The Sound Judgment of Silence

#IfDaylightSavingDidntExist we'd need a fallback plan.

I firmly believe the Jays would have won had Diefenbaker not cancelled the Avro Arrow.

"NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!" my children yell at me.

If a priest blesses an avocado, does it then become Holy Guacamole?

#IDontGoAroundInCircles I just get a little spinny

#ASongOrMovieForFoodAdditives My Whey

Misusing words is my ukelele’s heel.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes... We still haven't gotten a gig yet.

Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A.

#MyHallowienerWants Treats or, Treats

#ShakespeareAtHalloween What light, Through yonder pumpkin breaks

#WhatIFoundBehindTheDoor Land shark....... Cleverest species of them all

My thinking cap is one of those visors with the mullet attached

The Girl with the Little Debbie Tattoo

we're gonna need another temp

#IDeserveACandyFor being corny