Washington Post: “Is fascism bad? The answer may surprise you” Teen Vogue: “Here are three fun tips you can use this summer to disable an armored personnel carrier”

Me: WOW, Mr. Audubon! Thank you SOOO much for this great honor of naming a bird after me! Mr. Audubon:

ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug* CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug* ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

So is the Dollar Store gonna have to rebrand to the Dollar Twenty-Seven Cents Store?

Millennials have been trying to kick Lucy’s football since the moment we graduated high school

Every time I walk past a bank, I face an ethical question. Should I just rob it? It's a stumper.

What does one do if your AirPods fall in your guacamole asking for a friend it’s not me seriously I would never do anything so embarrassing lol but anyways no particular reason but what should my friend do

Gene Hackman dying seems a good time to tell you that Sam Raimi made a western called The Quick and the Dead, absolutely every cool actor is in it, Hackman destroys in every scene as the Big Bad, and for weird reasons 1995 America decided it was bad and erased it from memory

TOMORROW- Friday, February 28th is BLACKOUT FRIDAY! If you believe we are in danger of losing our Democracy forever, FIGHT BACK! Let's make our voices heard in numbers too big to ignore. JOIN US if you've had it with Comrade Krasnov. 🤬 🇷🇺 #24HourEconomicBlackout

You GUYYYYSSSSSSS The military choir sang Do You Hear the People Sing from Les Mis at the governor's dinner at the white house. Thanks to @beebrookshire.bsky.social for helping me fact check tihs one. As far as I can it's only "officially" been posted on Dan Scavino's FB

I’m trying to purge the sociopaths outta my life so go ahead and chime in if your favorite cookie is oatmeal raisin so I can block you.

*drake sliding around the ice during halftime of the stanley cup finals six months from now* ok FIRST OF ALL

Admittedly, I’ve not listened to a lot of KL but and that was the most visceral, emotional experience I’ve ever had watching a Super Bowl halftime and a didn’t even know what I was seeing most of the time. Absolute art.

Kendrick doing more than Congressional Dems at this point.

An American flag composed only of Black people kinda sick

[playing poker] FRIEND: I’m all in ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too FRIEND: um, a pair of kings ME: you bet we are

ADHD tips from people who don’t have it: get a day planner! ADHD tips from people who do: your only hope of feeling like a functional person in this life is to get a job that consists mostly of sprinting between a dozen simultaneous emergencies at 10 o’clock at night

To the tune of Shaboozey “Dada’s in the kitchen takin’ Pro-Zac.”

"AI art is democratizing creation" creation is already democratic pick up a pencil homie

And the full version for people like me that refuse to download tiktok. youtu.be/J_swGiAHhbQ?...

legacy news: Why would someone do this brazen shooting shooter’s statement: I did it because America’s healthcare industry is inhumane legacy news: Perhaps it was video games? shooter’s statement: I am literally citing sources about corporate greed legacy news: I guess we’ll just never know

Good morning Bluesky. Here's a helpful starter pack for divorced men named Geoff but one has been murdered. Please help us find the killer. go.bsky.app/KDY26rh

computer scientists: we have invented a virtual dumbass who is constantly wrong tech CEOs: let's add it to every product

Hot girl: So what's your new book called Tolstoy, aware women like strong men: War Tolstoy, remembering women like sensitive men too: ... and Peace

People are leaving Twitter because it’s not fun anymore and no one is obligated to be on a platform they don’t enjoy. It’s not rocket science.

Robocop is a movie about a guy who gets killed on the job and they still made him go back to work

This is how those fresh and fragrant bundled herbs like parsley get to your grocery store. Workers spend 8 hours a day on their knees harvesting this crop that is used in our #Thanksgiving stuffing. #WeFeedYou

Kid checked out their first school library book, couldn’t be prouder.

WARNING: @carol-adams72.bsky.social is claiming to be part of my management team, which she is not. She is a scammer trying to con people into parting with cash on Telegram. Please do not engage with her. Instead, please block her and report her for spam. cc. @support.bsky.team

New education initiatives will include proper cafeteria nutrition to build bulk, turning heel for conflict resolution, and proper singlet maintenance.

As you wish.

For Netflix next big event, Manny Pacquiao will fight a potato.

Jake Paul should fight Dianne Feinstein next

This fight could have been an email.

I’ve had more thrilling fights with reflux after a few slices of pizza.

In the spirit of #bluesky beginnings, I've been saving good news. After a rough year, I've found myself in the writer's room of a game in development. There are few feelings better than having a joke pitch land or narrative idea spark story. Despite my many gripes about life, I am grateful.

Woohoo! Good answer, Bluesky!

Hopescrolling’s IN. Doomscrolling’s soooooooo yesterday.

Willy Wonka is just PG “Saw”

Every now and then the avocado gods bestow upon me the elusive micro-pitted leather-pear and its decadent bounty of flesh.

Weeds get a bad rap. The need a better PR person.

You’re ’Truman Show’ing’ me and all of America’s in on it.

I Postmated an Avocado Toast once and now I’m tweeting this from an 18th century Debtor’s Prison.