first "went to the office wearing a jacket cause it was a bit chilly but it ended up being uncomfortably warm on the way home" of 2026 🥰

really couldn't be happening to a more deserving bloke ❤️

what are you meant to do in the heavy in between days of pancake day and the battle of the boyne

The British version of the EGOT is the BBL (BAFTAs, Brit, ‘livier)

On Sunday night the person doing the shipping forecast should whisper aloud the secret sin of a sailor, whoever is hearing it as their own heavy with the knowledge they will not see the sunrise

Abraham Lincoln: Four Smore and Seven Years ag- Edward Everett: This mfer said Smore Ward Hill Lamon: Smore Colonel Selleck: Smore (Union Soldier #3 changed the name of the group to Smore and Peace)

I’ve always had really boring dreams. Last night I had a very long dream that was just me trying to explain the plot of Four Lions to my brother

Judge: I find the defendant Me( at the exact same time): I FIND THE DEFENDANT... JINX!! Prosecution Lawyer (taking off glasses in defeat): Oh bailiff won't you say the judge's name Bailiff: He's got my nose, ma'am, only my silence can buy it back PL: He's the best fucking lawyer

A giamt vending machine full of other vending machines so you can go to it and be like pepsii and it gives you a drinks vending machine you can get a pepsi out of

when british people start discussing class online you should be able to press a button that makes their phone turn off and zap them

My friend who I suspect is secretly a group of heavy cavalry commited to glorious charge: Hey Stephen how's it going Me, trying to psych them out: Oh not much tho i did just recently see a well drilled phalanx of spearmen 👀

(guy who's only seen marty supreme) okay which one of these curling guys is sleeping with gwyneth paltrow then

train mice to operate little brushes to bring the magic of curling to the beautiful game of snooker

I'm sorry is there an audio feed for the curling that doesn't have these grating Canadian team voices on it. Replace it with soft sounds of the sea

Reading this outside of HMRC shaking my head the whole time so they know I don't agree with it

baby on board signs are to signal to other drivers that it's a great time to show these tots just how fast a drunk salaryman and slam it

(ant and dec we're on the ball voice) im in the bath

will it make me better at pattern recognition though

direct plugin for bluesky that tracks eye movement (rolled into back of skull) and microphone (long sigh) that can auto block whichever user did the post which sparked them

if she wrote it today Jamie Oliver would have made her call the character Healthcliff

(whispering to the guy in the bunk next to me): when do you think they'll have a pizza night or is the SAS just going to be running and grunting do you think

(losing at annual bingo) well I didn't have 88 64 6 77 or 52 on my bingo card this year

taking ice skating to the next technological age by buckling two pistols to my feet

Carla Denyer cut in front of me in a pub with a complicated food order once, I will see Britain fascist before I see it green

dyslexic moses:

Arrested on his birthday. May Andrew be the first of many men to decay slowly in prison ❤️

One is simply an orc in Mordor

have the boys in the lab cooked up a slur for elder millennials/gen xers who think swearing is transgressive yet

this is an emotional event common to stephen's across the world

Barry Scott would have made so much money if he was alive in world war one... What are the massed German artillery when compared to Cillit Bang

orange talking to blood orange about being a fruit

ELM TREE ON MY SHIELD EGG'S BALD HEAD STILL GLEAMING BAELOR'S HEAD NOW HURTS DAERON'S DRAGON DREAMING

ARAGORN: You have my sword LEGOLAS: You have my bow GIMLI: And my axe! PERSON WHO WENT TO OXBRIDGE: This actually reminds me of a time at

the hand that feeds me lookin real tasty right about now

shroving tuesday or tuesday shroving! am i right?

They should do a winter olympics version of dressage on the noble Elk

I know it's just a dumb joke but this sort of "I'm too quirky and smart for neurotypical rituals" I feel is far more harmful to ND people than helpful. Painting autistic people as total solipsists who can't imagine other people have an internal pov is just stupid

Have a feeling The President's Cake will stay with me for a long time but cannot believe the main actress didn't have any theatrical background, what a talent

me: clichés don't really get me anymore a knight of the seven kingdoms: the strong one is kind the little one is clever me: the strong one is kind and the little one is clever :):):)

it's their valentine's too :)

guys why are the clouds blue and not dropping any water

what the hell, sure

Be careful with your words today guys, Yvette Cooper won't see your posts but your friends desperate to use authoritarian overreach to crush a moral opposition will :/

The Naive Sultan: I cannot stop coughing, was something added to my soup? The looming Grond Vizier:

Two years ago, M.I.A releases protency silver fibre spandex boxer shorts

As soon as someone replies “as an American…” to me

ever since I was a little boy I always wanted to exist at the intersection of British Arts & Everyday Life on a second rate micro blogging website

crazy how i am the first guy to ever have a birthday

Very pro turning Manchester into an irradiated wasteland Mr Starmer you've just won back one vote