It is my birthday on Monday so why shouldn’t I have some e numbers in the form of buldak noodles?

Foot is pillow

Seal antics strike again

Vladimir is a very horny show

Bath number 5 An Italian man tried to make me his girlfriend but I’d seen him take off his wedding ring at the table.

2nd bath of the day. If bath tourism were a thing, I’m there.

I very rarely get up before half 7. This is AWFUL. Why do people do THIS.

Another Genghis sleep story dropped

Perfect. Leave them there. Never let them back in

The dog is getting a health tracker for her birthday

In my stressful Q4 era

The gay politics dads (Rory and Alistair) are fighting again

Every time I hear someone refer to the US and the UK’s “special relationship” it just sounds noncy. Stop noncing us.

You should be allowed to go on divorcee trips even if you’ve never been married

I met a massive black Belgian malinois in the park today. He was terrifying and had “service dog” on his collar and another chain collar, owned by a guy who was in full martial arts gear. Turns out the dog gets dropped off to people with mental health issues for therapy and the guy runs a…

The dog and I have a new game called “mr Socken” where I rage bait her with a sock and then she grabs it and then I say “MR SOCKEN!” And sometimes she gives it back but mostly not.

Monday

It’s truly terrifying that he is still posting about me after all this time. Like it’s freaking me out.

Gwarn, Ed

V difficult to sit and come up with ideas in a strategy afternoon when everyone else is bombing each other 🙃

FFS.

Honestly the collective national level of disdain for Brits living in Dubai on all my social media platforms today really is bringing the UK together as one in a way that's hard to achieve in the modern era.

I once referred to Dubai as 'LinkedIn with beheadings' on Twitter and got two days of men in ill-fitting jackets telling me I was British as if it were some kind of own.

Crazy that everything in the news today was easily avoidable

Making my child dress as Richard Osman for World Book Day

While everyone was busy talking about world war three, it occurred to me; should I be focussing on world war me?

“You should leave England it’s a shi- *boom* wait wait you need to rescue me England I love you you are my home!”

I thought we’re in talks to take this away anyway? So we can do both things. This is not a deal. I love the thought of him snotting and snivelling over a picture of his mother though. Fucking shithouse.

Exciting news just in from my bedside table: I just found two rogue sleeping pills so goodbye for 14 hours

I have become a lot more blocky for much less on this app and that’s making it a much more pleasant place 🩷🫶🏼

This app is becoming a bit “your silence on puffins is deafening”

my replies on here

This is amazing. www.getyourfuckingmoneyback.com

But it’s paper planes and they were meant to send them from the blank A4 pad but someone’s accidentally printed top secret classified stuff and used that. No one resigns.

That was an extremely wet holiday. The sea was wet, the rain was wet. I likely have trench foot but it was lovely falling asleep to the sound of waves.

I don’t want anyone taking part to win

Rory Stewart and Alistair Campbell absolutely panic-spunking about making sure they get their opinions out today I reckon

I’ve got fucking period cramps radiating up my spine and I’m desperate to make it someone else’s problem

People who have been calling Twitter a “hellsite” on Twitter for over 5 years; why are you still on there?

At least we get a days peace from British people telling us how mint Dubai is

Any time a war breaks out, you just know there’s some guy puffing out his chest before saying to anyone he meets: “i suggest we go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all this to blow over” Hahaha Darren is a riot

So Iran are about to develop nuclear capability after it was 'totally obliterated' last summer? We should be capturing these lads and putting them to work on HS2.

A country who has nothing to lose and nuclear missiles, let’s gooooooo

Women are too lazy to start wars. We’d rather be doing other stuff like implementing free entry to petting farms 💖

It would be very good for us to just watch, and not get involved.

Oh I go on holiday and ignore the news for one day and it’s all just all going on

I just checked twitter for the vote result vibe and they’re just fewmin!

No fear