426/460 Avenue Road: Croydon Tram. Sinking feeling as I get off the tram. Very suburban which means I have to walk all the way back to the Moon & Stars. Fucks sake, it’s like the DLR all over again. I take advantage of the all day breakfast so a pint is proper cheap. Pint cider £1.53 Rating 1/5

425/460 Beckenham Road: Croydon Tram. Just outside The Moon & Stars I spot The Pawleyne Arms. I went there when I did Anerley and its like the end of Usual Suspects when everything falls into place for Chazz Palminteri. I know where I am! First Tram Spoons too. Hurrah! Half cider £1.00 Rating 1/5

424/460 Beckenham Junction: Croydon Tram. Lovely to get a recco of where to go, but we all know the rules. Closest wins, so I’m in O’Neills. Fair dos it might be the best one I’ve ever been to..but tallest dwarf and all that. Beer garden overlooks a really busy main road. Half cider £2.60 Rating 2/5

Croydon Tram can no longer get fucked. We are fully invested in the Croydon Tram

423/460 Elmers End: Croydon Tram. Whoop whoop Croydon tram baby! No clue where the fuck Elmers End is but the suns out and I’m on my first half a cider in six weeks. This is loads better than boring zone 1. The Elm Tree is busy, decent and I’ll never be back ever again. Half cider £3:10 Rating 3/5

i wrote about the pub www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

Anyway fuck it….

423/423!!! How exciting! Well not really. It’s Cutty Sark on the DLR. It’s been closed for ages and won’t reopen till Easter. What a huge disappointment! Seems like I’ve wasted a year of my life. Ah well, I’m away with work for a bit and when I come back I’ll do the Croydon Tram to finish the map!

422/423 Leicester Sq: Northern/Piccadilly Line. Absolute scenes. People are congratulating me on my achievement, Sadiq gives me the key to the city. Bunting’s up. I’m hoisted on shoulders.. Women are crying… alternatively I have a quiet half in The Porcupine and leave. Half cider £3.70 Rating 2/5

421/423 Charing Cross: Bakerloo/Northern Line. Out the Trafalgar Square exit and a choice of Halfway to Heaven or a Spoons. Heaven 10 yards closer. Mary Poppins is on telly! Always thought Charing X was named after a dead Queen, Chere Reine but apparently that’s bollocks. Half cider £3.30 Rating 3/5

420/423 Piccadilly Circus: Piccadilly/Bakerloo Line. Across the road is Albert Schloss, a fun German style beer hall with Oompah bands and everyone shouting Skol. But St James Tavern’s closer and is in a right state. They could have finished renovations before I visited. Half cider £3.75 Rating 3/5

419/423 Green Park: Jubilee/Victoria/Piccadilly Line. I used to come to a fancy bar here called Mahiki where you’d buy a cocktail in a massive treasure chest for £100. Sadly it closed during Covid so I go to The Clarence where they serve my drink in an old 70’s tankard. Half cider £3.70 Rating 4/5

418/423 Victoria: Circle/District/Victoria Line. Right let’s get this shit done. It’s a good start in that the exit from the underground is on the road so I avoid the Spoons at the station. The Shakespeare is massive and there’s a couple with extra large gins on the go! Half cider £3.55 Rating 2/5

417/423 Embankment: Circle/District/Bakerloo/Northern Line. Boooo, I was hoping to do the Tattershall Castle, the pub boat on the river but The Princess Of Wales is closer. Luckily it’s just before All Bar One so I avoid that. It’s cramped and busy but inoffensive. Half cider £3.60 Rating 3/5

416/423 Temple: Circle/District Line. The Cheshire Cheese is so well hidden it’s completely empty until some fellas come in banging on about Razorlight. Who the fuck still thinks about them? Apparently Dickens drank here. Fuck me, he drank everywhere. Was he an alcoholic? Half cider £3.70 Rating 4/5

415/423 Blackfriars: Circle/District Line. Etymology is fascinating isn’t it? Blackfriars was named after the Friars who wore black! Wow! The pub is on the site of the former priory and is only still standing cos John Betjeman petitioned to stop it getting knocked down. Half cider £3.75 Rating 4/5

414/423 Mansion House: Circle/District Line. One of only two stations to feature all five vowels, it’s only 300 yards from Cannon St making this the biggest waste of £2.80 ever. The Three Cranes is playing Dr Hook which takes me back to mum driving me to swimming in 1982. Half cider £3.50 Rating 3/5

413/423 Cannon Street: Circle/District Line. A Spoons is on the concourse but I come out the other way and get All Bar One. I’d have had loads of these if I had done this shit in 2007. As it is, this is only my 2nd after North Greenwich. Barmaid mishears and pours a pint. Pint cider £7.05 Rating 3/5

412/423 Latimer Road: Ham&City/Circle Line. Oh wonderful. I thought I was done with dreadful pubs. It’s been ages, so well done The Pig & Whistle. It’s properly horrific despite the friendly barmaid. And they don’t take card so I have to go to a cashpoint and come back! Half cider £3.60 Rating 0/5

411/423 Ladbroke Grove: Ham&City/Circle Line. Next to the station is The Knight Of Notting Hill. Apparently it was the favourite pub of Timothy Evans who got blamed for all the Rillington Place/John Christie murders. And by blamed I mean hanged. Christie also worked here! Half cider £3.50 Rating 3/5

410/423 Westbourne Park: Ham&City/Circle Line. Calamity in The Union Tavern. Ciders off! Have to go pint of Peroni. Can’t be doing half a lager, I do have some standards. Pub is right on the canal and must be excellent in the summer. I’m sat inside cos it’s cold. Pint of lager £7.50 Rating 4/5

409/423 Royal Oak: Ham&City/Circle Line. The Porchester used to be called The Royal Oak hence the name of the station. Why change it then? Apparently it’s one of only a few stations to be named after a pub. I can only think of Elephant & Castle and Swiss Cottage. Google!! Half cider £3.55 Rating 4/5

408/423 Edgware Road: District/Circle/Ham&City Line. Ooh this stations fun, there’s plants aplenty and it’s the first station I’ve been to where the board information is red rather than orange. SHUT UP IT’S INTERESTING! Larrik is fancy but more of a restaurant than a pub. Half cider £3.70 Rating 3/5

407/423 Bayswater: District/Circle Line. Back in The Bayswater Arms after having a half here when I did Queensway. It’s 10p more expensive!! I was only here in November! Also I can’t believe how busy it is at 11:30 in the morning. I nearly mistook it for a Wetherspoons. Half cider = £3.65 Rating 3/5

Pick up the nearest book. Turn to page 42, post the second sentence. “Tony tricked switcheroosky”.

Fucks sake, it appears I did miscount despite totting up the numbers about 15 times. It appears there are 423. I blame Bethnall Green which I counted twice as the two station exits are about a mile apart. Anyway let’s hope no one notices

406/422 Goodge Street: Northern Line. Dunno why but I get irrationally angry by tube stations with lifts. Just get some fucking escalators. Anyway The Fitzrovia is closed so I head to The Hope, a proper cosy pub that hasn’t changed since 1974. Apart from the prices. Half cider £3.80 Rating 4/5

405/422 Old Street: Northern Line. I’m by Old Street so it makes sense to quickly knock it off. Urgh 5:30pm Of course The Angel is fucking heaving. I’m best suited doing this at 11am. Just me, old men and the unemployed. That’s the way. Everyone else is having fun though. Half cider £3.60 Rating 3/5

404/422 St. James’s Park. District/Circle Line. A rarity - a zone 1 station I have never used before. More fool me cos The Old Star is buzzy as fuck. One review says “great staff, she came out with a funny quip but I can’t remember what it was”. Well thanks for that mate. Half cider £3.60 Rating 4/5

403/422 Sloane Square: District/Circle Line. I once had a really posh mate who lived around here. Then I got drunk at her engagement party, swore at her mum and haven’t seen her in 20 years. Sorry Kat! I sit in the snug of the Antelope debating sending a belated apology. Half cider £3.55 Rating 4/5

402/422 Hyde Park Corner: Piccadilly Line. Avoid the bars of all the la-di-dah hotels and head to The Rose & Crown. Loads of Americans moaning about the weather and getting overexcited about fish and chips. This is about the 19th pub to say they sell the best in London. Half cider = £3.65 Rating 3/5

401/422 Euston: Northern/Jubilee/Lioness Line. I avoid the main concourse and find myself in The Doric Arch named after the famous Euston arch demolished in 1961. It’s full of people drinking to forget that their train has been cancelled. Half cider £3.65 Rating 2/5 LIONESS LINE COMPLETE!!!

400/422 Warren Street: Northern/Victoria Line. The trouble with starting at the outer reaches of the map and working my way in is that zone 1 is boring. I miss the days of desperately trying to find a shit pub in Barking Riverside. Anyway Prince of Wales Feathers is ok. Half cider £3.65 Rating 3/5

399/422 Regents Park: Bakerloo Line. Ha I wanted to do The Albany when I did Great Portland Street but annoyingly there was a closer one. Here now! I came here years ago and saw 90s comedian Rob Newman singing Rainbow connection on the ukulele. What an evening. Half cider = £3.60 Rating 5/5

The Birdcage Pub. Birdcage Walk now (80 Columbia Road, Bethnal Green). Haunt of the ‘London Burkers’ bodysnatchers.The (also formerly known as ‘The Bird Cage’) has been in continuous use as a public house since at least 1760. It was in this pub that 14-year-old Carlo Ferrier was last seen by

398/422 Angel: Northern Line. Years ago I worked for a bank and was sent here for a training day. We all went to the pub at lunch and got food poisoning. Might’ve been The Peacock but who knows. I avoid eating just in case. Anyway that’s all the A’s done. Well done me. Half cider = £3.30 Rating 3/5

397/422 Borough: Northern Line. Borough. Home of the famous market and the photo of that fella running down the road with a full pint after the terrorist attack. Makes you proud to be British doesn’t it? I walk into The Trinity as Palace go 2 down to Macclesfield. Jesus. Half cider £3.50 Rating 3/5

396/422 Elephant & Castle: Northern/Bakerloo Line. Christ the architecture round here is ugly. It seems stuck in the 60s as does the Elephant & Castle pub with its garish decor and mental lights. Despite this, I really really like it. Character counts for a lot well done. Half cider £3.30 Rating 4/5

395/422 Lambeth North: Bakerloo Line. The Hercules is named after the famous strongman and leans heavily into Lambeth’s fame as the birthplace of the modern circus. Which means that there are just some framed posters including one of a bear riding a bike. It’s fun though. Half cider £3.75 Rating 4/5

394/422 Westminster: Jubilee/Circle/District Line. St Stephens Tavern prides itself as being a historic gem graced by politicians and heavyweight journos. Well that might have been true once but now it’s an over-lit, cramped pub populated solely by tourists. Half cider £3.75 Rating 2/5

393/422 Southwark: Jubilee Line. Loads of restaurants here but I only care about pubs. The Ring was bought by boxing champ Dick Burge and was the first indoor boxing ring for the proles. That’s all well and good but it gets an extra point for playing Fine Young Cannibals. Half cider £3.30 Rating 3/5

392/422 Bermondsey: Jubilee Line. We’re in Millwall territory here. The Gregorian is a proper old school pub with parquet flooring, old fireplace and separate snug areas to watch sport. Apparently it’s the most haunted pub in London but fuck knows how you measure that. Half cider = £3.40 Rating 3/5

391/422 Monument: Circle/District Line. I came and climbed Monument a while back when my kids were learning about Great Fire of London, I wouldn’t recommend it but at least you can get your breath back in The Hydrant an open friendly bar which does great chicken wings. Pint of cider £7.50 Rating 3/5

390/422 Tower Hill: District/Circle Line. Must have come out a different exit when I did Tower Gateway cos I did a different pub yet this is right on the doorstep, Anyway, I presume that a Minory is something religious seeing as there is a confessional booth inside. Nice. Half cider £3.80 Rating 4/5

389/422 Aldgate East: Ham & City/District Line. Right, we’re slap bang in Jack The Ripper territory. One of his victims was murdered after drinking in the White Hart so no surprise that everyone’s cashing in but I’m not sure chip shop Jack The Chipper next door works. Half cider = £3.05 Rating 3/5

388/422 Marylebone: Bakerloo Line. Oh what a glorious way to end the day, a shit station pub. In fairness I’ve had some decent ones, Waterloo and Paddington were both fine. This is rubbish with nothing to recommend it at all. I drink my last half and stagger into work. Half cider =£4.00 Rating 1/5

387/422 Edgware Road: Bakerloo Line. The most pubs I’ve done in a day is 8 but I don’t start work for another 90 mins and it’s still raining so I crack onto number 9. The Green Man is very quiet this close to Christmas but I quite like it. Although I am getting drunky. Half cider = £3.55 Rating 3/5

386/422 Warwick Avenue: Bakerloo Line. Today has been a cunt weather wise. I’m soaked and miserable as I walk into The Prince Alfred, but cheer right up when I see there is a 3 foot door you have to walk through that separates the main bar from the restaurant. Lovely!! Half cider £3.55 Rating 5/5

385/422 Maida Vale: Bakerloo Line. Maida Vale conjures up memories of listening to Radio One as Bruno Brooks announces Strawberry Switchblade playing in Maida Vale studios. The old lady at The Elgin who doesn’t know what to drink ruins my reminiscences. MAKE A DECISION! Half cider £3.40 Rating 2/5

384/422 Kilburn Park: Bakerloo Line. The station ticket booths have been turned into terrariums which is fun. Anyway, the Prince of Wales is a tatty but friendly Irish pub filled with locals watching the darts. It’s ok, they could dim the lights though. Bright as fuck. Half cider = £2.40 Rating 2/5