Chuck Schumer, in an hour from now: The president plans to flood the streets with military personnel to oppress innocent people, but what he should be flooding the streets with is tax credits for the middle class!

this hole was made for me

DON DRAPER: I grew up in a haunted house. I would put out bowls of spaghetti and tell visitors it was guts. Grapes, eyeballs. One of the older boys, who would lunge at people in a wolfman mask, looked after me. The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was eating Reese’s Pieces.

The state could have backed him but instead they demonstrated for the thousandth time that there is no level of respectability that will prevent white people from serving you up on a platter in order to appease powerful racists.

Overslept in my medbed and now I’m a supersoldier

I have lived and worked in and around Chicago for 27 years and I have been assaulted less often than Sen Paul has been in his own back yard.

Googled "Frasier Vs Columbo" to make sure someone had done it and, to my relief and delight, it's a cartoonist I'm already a fan of and follow. Sony Pictures animation needs to make this the next Spider-Verse immediately.

Did everything right for my brain today and now I would like to power down. It’s 4:30pm there’s nothing more to be had from continued consciousness today. I need a big red button

dear god make me a moth I want to be invisible among dead leaves

sometimes people they ask me Langdon they say how do you endure the bleakness of days and hard silences of night, the gaps in thought where god should speak but does not and I’m like are you stupid. I feel very bad. that’s what I do. how dumb are you. I’m alive and I feel bad. come on

Dave Chappelle (suddenly getting serious 50 minutes into his set at the Riyadh): On January 23rd, 2015, King Abdullah, my friend, died. He fucking died.

When I disengage from reality, per the advice of mental health professionals, I do feel temporarily better. And yet, here we are. This is why I have formally decided against a career in therapy. What can I or anyone offer people suffering except band-aids on gaping head wounds?

Re: the male loneliness epidemic, there is *still* not enough emphasis on how many heterosexual girls and women are staying single out of self-preservation, because the sexual norms that many heterosexual boys and men have adopted are exceptionally dangerous.

Five years ago, @brandyzadrozny.bsky.social and I did a story about rural Oregon's fever dream that Antifa was coming to their town from Portland. Hundreds showed up armed downtown because they heard on Facebook that "Antifa buses" were coming. No buses came so they said Antifa "retreated."

Guy who's most defining trait is an unending desire to be accepted and popular and to be seen as powerful declines party invite lmao

It’s funny that all this art and literature imagined “AI” as having a human pathos at its core, a kind of soul wrought by sentience. And when people without imagination rushed “AI” to life and had the hubris to give it that name, they made a soulless, unintelligent, shambling zombie abomination

not true

You’re damn right I love the gloaming. It’s crepuscular as hell. What, not liminal enough for you? Get fucked

I’m waiting so I thought I’d ask the stupidest non-person I know

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

It’s Friday night and I’m saying, “alright.” That’s it. No, this isn’t a song. Please leave

My favorite part of the apocalypse has been the constant fatigue

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

Kimmelist forces seize control of communications infrastructure.

I don't love using "blood libel" to describe anything other than the actual historical phenomenon of accusations against Jews of ritually killing Christian children. But if anything in modern political discourse structurally resembles a blood libel, it's Vance accusing Haitians of eating cats.

COLLIE.BMF

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

CHOTINER: So your son is 14, is that right? IKARI: It's complex, Isaac. If— CHOTINER: And the “robot” he pilots, that’s actually the child of an alien you keep crucified in the basement, which is possessed by the spirit of his dead mother? IKARI: Look, let me answer the question. CHOTINER: Sure.

centrists & moderate liberals when all the transphobic rightwingers demanding to look at children’s genitals turn out to be literal pedophiles:

Could really go for the whole End of Eva, everyone turns into orange soda thing rn. Become soup? Sure.

Me realizing I will spend my whole life working meaningless jobs I hate that drain me of my extremely finite vitality while the world descends into greater and greater horrors

Tylenol use is safe in pregnancy, lowest effective dose. Don’t listen to the utter nonsense emanating from the highest office in the land today. Speak to your medical provider.

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

If the Vengabus arrived now, we would not, could not see it. Everybody jumped long ago. Our souls can no longer like to party

Just saw this on Threads:

There should be more things for me to emerge from. Portals and shadows and weak sections of drywall. That sort of stuff. It would make my sudden appearance more fun for people.

the fact they're out here running "abigail spanberger will trans your kids" against one of the most conservative candidates out of the Democratic Party is a great example of why actually standing up for trans people, especially kids, is the only way to go

Memories are so strange, the way they bob to the surface like sunken tchotchkes. A sandwich I used to get from a cafe with my mom when I was a kid. Some curtains I admired in a store in 2002.

The final two pages of Shawn Tuckley’s first initial batch of Stella Starchild pages. After these pages were posted, Shawn received extensive feedback from his fanbase, which was overwhelmingly negative. The pages that follow will reflect that feedback.

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

cancelling Disney+ and Hulu is well and good but it’s not a huge hit on an individual level but Disney adults? people who spend real money at the parks? you guys can make a dent, call ‘em up and tell them your vacation is postponed until they pull their heads out of their asses

me: i want to sleep in a human-sized hotdog bun 911: sir that's.....ok actually that sounds great me: so who do we call 911: [shouting in background] we're checking now