Woman in Waitrose: *points at cashier* Look children, there's the man who won't date me. (two teenagers look embarrassed) Look at what you could have, Carl. (she gestures towards the children, like gameshow prizes) Cashier: *nervous* They are lovely children. Woman: OUR lovely children, Carl..

One of the tricks us artists employ is getting a fancy-ass gold frame to do some of the heavy lifting.

If I met any of you in real life I would make myself appear so large

This could be what finally gets me to go camping.

As the ancient embroidery says…

I'm trying to sell some unwanted items on facebook marketplace, and I've never known stress like it. I feel like each message is another insane demand, issued during some sort of hostage situation, where the hostage is my time. I've been ghosted more times than Derek Acorah.

If you like tales of road ghosts, and who doesn't like being scared while hurtling down a road at speed? - then get this episode in your earholes. Just look at those faces. Those are the faces of two men that have seen (or heard) things. Terrible things.

We have forcibly installed the Stupid Machine in all of your homes but, of course, under no circumstances should you trust the Stupid Machine.

You ever messed up a portrait so badly, you considered faking your own death?

apparently the original poster is gone but it's that time of year again! infectedmetaphysic.tumblr.com/post/1483555...

Guy contacted me recently about a commission, and asked if I was any good at painting men with beards. Am I any good... Dude...please..... ...clearly fucking no.

Help - I keep buying ornaments that look depressed.

Tbh, until Barry Chuckle died, I genuinely thought they were a couple, not actual brothers. Either way, love is love.

Hey Bluesky, my better half @gailmyerscough.co.uk has had a heck of a lot to deal with this year. She’s also a bit down because she hasn’t sold much recently. Please visit her site www.gailmyerscough.co.uk and have a look at her amazing designs. Thank you for reading, much appreciated xx

Imagine being told the "deliverance team" is going to fix your haunting and 2 guys with banjos turn up. #Uncanny

Try this as an experiment, mention to neighbours, even casually, that the street might be haunted, and watch the chaos ensue. #Uncanny

I ALWAYS check the kettle isn't in the garden before I leave the house. #Uncanny

one of my favorite stories is when we went on a cruise for mom’s 60th and my brother and i stayed up on the deck all night and watched the drunkest dude we’d ever seen (so far) get arrested and yell “why? i’m not driving the boat!” and i say that so often

Anyone who's seen the classic "Whistle and I'll come to you" starring Michel Hordern, will know why whenever I see a bone on a beach, I have this overwhelming impulse to blow it. Every time I see a strange bone on a coastal holiday, I think - I bet I could get a tune out of that.

When you decide to go for a nice relaxing walk along the beach, and suddenly it all goes a bit M.R. James...

Revisited this spectacular Kaleb Horton paragraph about crows this morning. "I have met crows that should be in jail" is one of those sentences that's so good you're initially furious you didn't write it yourself before circling back around to just being glad you got to read it.

I have an email address that is older than some of my colleagues. My actual bones cried out in terror when I found that out.

'Art demands persistent work, work in spite of everything, and unceasing observation.' - Vincent Van Gogh. "Dog at the vet's (with toupee)" - oil on board, 2025.

Getting this printed out and laminated for when I need it

charging at my boyfriend in the bedroom and he screams "olé!" as I crash into the wall instead

when the rich Do Crimes

Work-in-progress. I have no idea what it's going to be at this stage.

With Christmas coming up (eventually), if you have a pet and would like to treat them to a portrait, like Princess here, hit me up.

A new prop for my night terrors.

For just £1, I purchased a fruity dog from the market, and the dog's not sure about it.

As always, if you have a pet and would like to commission a painting of them, please keep me in mind. What I lack in talent, I more than make up in affordability.

Because nobody succeeded in stopping me this past week, I have been painting again.

Show me a more exciting postcard. I'll wait.

I will at this point reiterate my theory that we are all born with a finite number of fucks available to give. By the time you get to 50, that supply is running very low. At 61, I can confirm that I am bang out of fucks to give, and my goodness it is a great feeling.

Look what I found at the market for 50p. Straight into my collection of lake monsters.

Couple of quick sketches of a dog and a man outside Waitrose. People love it when I sketch them.

While I was out, I thought, why not get a coffee, treat yourself, you're worth it. Get one of those pastries you like as well, make a relaxing morning of it. Three wasps landed on my pastry while I was taking the first bite. We all had it in our mouths/mandibles at the same time. Very relaxing.

I feel like there’s two “25 years ago”s and one of them is the year 2000 where we had like computers and the internet and email and shit and the other one “25 years ago” is a mixture of 1978 and somewhere around 1800

I was sitting on a bench near Waitrose earlier, when Benji came and sat on my lap. If you hang around on the benches long enough, and if you are blessed, Benji comes and sits on you. Robbing warmth and demanding pet-pets. Of course, with my allergies, his presence immediately begins to kill me.

Why do I get the sense that I'm going to have to be the angry old person telling my grandchildren they can't marry a chatbot and getting called a massive bigot for it?

guys I'm starting to think that the Computer is Bad

The minimum qualifications for joining the MET need looking at…

How can you arrest FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE at a single event, find zero legal justification for having done so in one of those hundreds of instances, and not expect people to think you’re totally bent as an organisation?

I bought 5 reduced-in-price tubes of neon yellow paint recently, and the lady behind the counter was like, "Are you sure you want 5?" And it's her job to encourage me to buy as much as possible, and even she's like, don't do this babe.

I've gotta stop buying glow-in-the-dark paint. I buy it because I'm a child, apparently. That and the stores always reduce it because nobody wants a painting of their cat or dog or wife, radioactive-looking. I have got a SHIT TONNE of glow-in-the-dark paint. Vuillard didn't do glowing dogs.

Woke up to find my local art society unfollowed me on instagram. I do not need this on a fucking Monday. Now I know a little of how Van Gogh felt when those shits in Paris wouldn't support his dream. Only this time it'll end in their eventual deaths, not mine. I will mess them up (through art).

I am once again contemplating this banger.

Back in my day, modems screamed when you connected to the Internet. The screams were a warning. We didn't listen.