Deer My Friends Me and my allstar goverment have bin working hard to redoose red tape so now it’s even easyer to get goverment funding for your company. All you have to do is send our campain office 1000 dollars and we will send you a 10 millun dollar Skills Traineen grant uhmeediately. Premair

Been away a while and I’m not really sure what’s considered funny here now so I’m just going to stick to sharing words of praise for Pierre Poilievre and asbestos gym shorts.

Marjorie Taylor Greene on Trump: “It’s astonishing really how hard he’s fighting to stop the Epstein files from coming out that he actually goes to this level.”

And on this week’s episode of Stranger Things, Donald Trump calls Marjorie Taylor Greene far left.

If you want to turn a $1000 investment into $1,000,000 practically overnight, simply donate that $1000 to Doug Ford's Conservatives and apply for an Ontario Skills Development grant. Follow me for more great personal investment tips like this.

I’ve learned today that I think I’m beginning to dislike the Left as much as I dislike the Right.

This is exhausting. Now I understand why we can’t have nice things anymore.

I'm tired of thinking things through. I just wanna fist pump and yell, "In. Your. Face!" today. - Many people

Think I'm going to take a break from satirical political punditry for a while and go make some chicken wings.

I am now completely bemused by both sides. I am also very impressed by the sheer volume of geopolitical negotiation experts sitting at their home computers right now.

In today's news, people are really disappointed Mark Carney didn't poke the rabid racoon with a stick.

Pam Bondi is the type of person who takes 100 items through the 12 Items or Less checkout and then blames you for the wait because you decided to get in line behind her with your six items.

Live video footage of Donald Trump watching Mark Carney's car arrive at the White House today.

Durbin: "What has taken place since January 20, 2025, would make even President Nixon recoil. This is your legacy, AG Bondi."

And folks, I just want to assure you we're pertectin' Ontario jobs - and even creatin' new ones - by giving my campaign manager's clients 100 million dollars in grants to help them develop skills in important areas.

I've seen parents try to negotiate with spoiled kids throwing tantrums because the kids want some candy or a toy at the store and I'm curious to see how Mark Carney approaches the same problem today.

“Clients of a single firm — Rubicon Strategy — have received more than $100 million from the Skills Development Fund (SDF)… Rubicon is owned by Kory Teneycke, the premier’s campaign manager.” Now waiting for Doug to say he’s not a micromanager and has never met his campaign manager.

“Clients of a single firm — Rubicon Strategy — have received more than $100 million from the Skills Development Fund (SDF)… Rubicon is owned by Kory Teneycke, the premier’s campaign manager.” Now waiting for Doug to say he’s not a micromanager and has never met his campaign manager.

Serious question: What's stopping the State of Illinois from arresting Stephen Miller & charging him with incitement? The Senate didn't confirm him. He's just a guy. At some point, the states MUST use their authority to prosecute, because the federal government certainly will not.

I’ve predicted a lot of things. I told everyone about Bin Laden in 2000. Bad fella. Tried to warn everyone. I even went over to Pete Hegseth’s college dorm room and told him. He can verify that. Very verifiable. Before that, I predicted Fonzie would jump that shark. Big jump. I like mashed potatoes.

Local man intimately familiar with losing tells others to stop doing that.

The speed at which we normalized groceries being ludicrously expensive is so demoralizing.

To be fair, who among us hasn't been caught doing 70 in a 40 when we were running a little late for a ribbon cutting at a new private healthcare clinic or to pick up a bag of donations from real estate developers?

Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Adam Douglas Thompson. #NewYorkerCartoons Sign up for our humor newsletter to get Daily Cartoons delivered to your inbox: nyer.cm/0EivDaD

Local man intimately familiar with losing tells others to stop doing that.

Dearest Martha Deepest apologies for my delay in penning this missive. We have been very busy at the front these days. Winning Portland has proven more of a challenge than we presumed. There are battalions of baristas and craft brewers attempting to thwart our efforts to make everyone stop voting.

To be fair, who among us hasn't been caught doing 70 in a 40 when we were running a little late for a ribbon cutting at a new private healthcare clinic or to pick up a bag of donations from real estate developers?

Dearest Martha Deepest apologies for my delay in penning this missive. We have been very busy at the front these days. Winning Portland has proven more of a challenge than we presumed. There are battalions of baristas and craft brewers attempting to thwart our efforts to make everyone stop voting.

Wait. So Alberta’s federal income taxes don’t belong to Canada but BC’s coastline belongs to Alberta? What in the When It Suits Us kind of Trumpian thought pretzel is this now?

I think, during these very tense times, it’s important to remember these wise words.

I don’t mean to overreact or anything, but this is the commander-in-chief telling military personnel that Democrats are a problem to be dealt with.

Imagine convincing yourself your country will achieve growth and prosperity by denying your workforce access to decent healthcare and education. The. Mind. Boggles.

Nothing says America First like bailing out Argentina while making healthcare unaffordable for 20+ million Americans. Or signing an Article 5 protection treaty with Qatar coz they bribed you with a plane, while screwing over longstanding NATO allies. Folks, I think America First might be a scam.

...

What we’re seeing these days isn’t new, it’s just sometimes seems new because now it’s being encouraged and condoned again.

War on Drugs - Nixon, 70's War on Terror - Bush, 2000's War on US Capitol - Trump, 2021 War on Portland - Trump, 2025 War on Elections - Trump, 2028

They're eating the cats! They're eating the dogs! They're burning Portland! They're teaching at schools! They're collecting welfare and taking your jobs! Chicago is a war zone! California won't let the water down! Saturday Night Live was never funny! I know a lot about everything! Probably the most!

Western Canada’s Reach for the Top team is asked to spell “logic”.

Wait. So Alberta’s federal income taxes don’t belong to Canada but BC’s coastline belongs to Alberta? What in the When It Suits Us kind of Trumpian thought pretzel is this now?

If a federal judge, appointed by Trump, can call him “simply untethered to facts,” our White House press corps can as well. storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...

What we’re seeing these days isn’t new, it’s just sometimes seems new because now it’s being encouraged and condoned again.

White House releases TV commercial for new Trump product to be released next week.

Hard to believe that in a month or two we’ll all be freezing our Timbits off.

….

Trump administration releases photos of what it says is war-ravaged Portland today.

RCMP says they'll get back to the Doug Ford Greenbelt investigation right after they've finished the delightful deli platter the Premier's office sent over.

And I’ve stopped 7 wars. I’m very good at that. But don’t eat the pastrami. It’s very fatty. I think the UN does a very bad job. One time I threw a football 800 yards. I wasn’t even trying. The UN does a terrific job. Do you know the song Itsy Bitsy Spider? I wrote it. I’ve met Jesus. Beetlejuice!

I am just so fucking proud of her.