Perfect.

Saw a MAGA-hat guy while vacationing outside the US. I know this is an illogical opinion, but I truly believe if you're a Trump person you shouldn't be allowed to leave the country until his presidency is over. You wanted this! Now live through it, bitch. No breaks.

I don’t know If it’s mightier than a sword, but you can definitely stab the shit out of someone with a pen

When I fantasized about being a writer as a kid, I think about 25% of the fantasy was about actual writing and 75% was about living in Key West

Did some last-minute shopping this afternoon before leaving town tomorrow and for the first time in my life I can sort of understand why people might shop at the airport

When I was growing up, the neighborhood pool would make all the kids get out for 30 min every few hours so the adults could swim in peace and I think they should do something similar on this site

Yeah, that's right, I'm going for the low-hanging fruit. Have you tried the fruit higher up in the tree? Tastes exactly the same. Why would I want to climb all the way up there? Waste of time, imo

You’re querying your novel. I’m querying the ancient oracle whose cryptic riddles foretold my family’s ruin. We are not the same.

What I've learned from Facebook is that every generation thinks they were the last generation to drink from the garden hose

He’s just listing different dinosaurs he remembers? He said the dinosaurs are different now

McDonald's should start making collectible glasses again for movies, like when we were kids. Who wouldn't want a glass featuring Benicio del Toro's character from One Battle After Another? Let me drink my morning OJ from a glass commemorating Lydia Tar, from the hit motion picture Tar

This time of year I always think about the student who, on their end-of-semester feedback form, for the question "What could this professor improve on?" just wrote "Keep on truckin'"

Leaving the gym, there was a guy driving around and around the parking lot, honking his horn, and I thought “ooh, maybe it finally happened.” But I guess he was just excited about the holidays, or maybe a personal trainer slept with his wife

I've always told people I was bad at baking, too much precision and fussy measurement, etc., but this week I actually tried baking a couple things and they turned out pretty great. Anyway, don't worry, I won't apply this lesson to any other area of my life.

"For a time, he hung around with Mr. Mailer, attending a marijuana party and an orgy with him, he said. He confessed that both had left him less than fulfilled."

Honestly, if I found out my entire life had been a Truman Show experiment, I might be fine with it. I guess I'd probably stop going to work, though.

Guitar Guy is mad

my dream is to achieve the level of success where I can do the little bowing prayer-hands thing in response to compliments without any apparent self-consciousness

Where are these supposed lounges, is what I would like to know

There isn't a single problem "solved" by edtech that couldn't be fixed with smaller classes led by well-paid teachers given real academic freedom

A student showed up to the last day of class with a copy of my book, so I could sign it. A handful of other students all looked a bit worried, like, "Oh no, was this something we were supposed to do?" Anyway, they were right to worry.

If I had as much money as Larry Ellison, I would pay someone to make my hair and beard look like they'd been grown on the same human (also I'd probably dip out of politics and sail around the world, sampling each continent's most delicious culinary treasures, but one thing at a time)

I think the hardest part about teaching is the harsh overhead lighting. Really unflattering.

My parents lived in the suburbs of Dallas for about a decade, after I graduated college, which was a big help in me wrapping my head around the idea that plenty of people are "successful," in the sense that they have jobs or own businesses that have made them rich, but are also incredibly stupid.

I've said this before, but it's just inexplicable to me that when they made the Muppets Christmas Carol they didn't use existing muppets for the three ghosts.

"Santa Claus is coming to town" - festive, exciting "Santa Claus is goin' to town" - concerning, possibly problematic

why would i ever want an unvarnished opinion. gussy that bad boy up a bit if you're gonna trot it out where everyone can see it

My wife says Paul Thomas Anderson makes "movies for boys," which is a shame, because I think if she saw Phantom Thread she'd realize that I'm actually very normal and not annoyingly fussy at all!

Pornhub has released the top most searched terms in the United States and every state searched “industrial crane lifting a dark and dripping shape from an unquiet sea” bc America is going through it,

What if we put normal people in charge of things

I know the guy in Phantom Thread is a fussy little dick, but also, I think we can all agree that people do make too many annoying noises at breakfast

The Ghost of Christmas Present appears in the form of a Cool Teen. He keeps saying “you’re killing it, bro” and “no notes,” but you’re pretty sure he’s fucking with you in some way you don’t understand.

When I was growing up, my dad always got himself one Christmas present, which he would wrap and put under the tree and then act surprised about on Christmas morning. Usually a record, or a tool. Just peak dad stuff.

A character in the novel I’m reading is reading The Easter Parade, which made me wonder whether I, too, would rather be reading The Easter Parade

i thought i was impenetrable, but you pierced the caprisun pouch of my heart.

inspecting each costco rotisserie chicken like a show dog

Happy "students wandering the halls looking vaguely panicked, while trying to locate their professor's office" week to all who celebrate

We love a spite-fueled author origin story

The Ghost of Christmas Present appears in the form of a Cool Teen. He keeps saying “you’re killing it, bro” and “no notes,” but you’re pretty sure he’s fucking with you in some way you don’t understand.

I've never met a printer that wasn't a drama queen.

Trying to explain to my wife that Christmas gift-giving isn’t a competition. It’s more like a year-end performance review.

Remember when U2 got Apple to include their new album on everyone’s iPods? I’m angling for something similar with my next book and IKEA shelving. Fingers crossed!

Are your favorite directors making odes to the magic of cinema? If so, it might be time to schedule that colonoscopy.

Really thought I’d lose a bunch of weight when I quit drinking but I guess you’re not supposed to do a 1-to-1 substitution with cheese

Very kind comment on Ethan Hawke & Me :). Cheers on a cold day

"Oh right, the fart poem. We all really liked the fart poem." -me in class today, at the job that pays me an actual salary

I know it's a small thing, relatively speaking, and maybe this will sound like some "broken windows" bullshit, but if we were living in a healthy, functioning country I don't think we'd all just accept that the price of having a cell phone is getting between 3 and 30 spam calls a day.

does anyone else notice the giant lady doesnt cut up your hot dogs anymore!?

Oh, you're still using Spotify? That's interesting. Personally, I hire a different band each month to do a residency at my house. Feed them, clothe them. Pay them a living wage. We do a little book club once a week. But hey, your way of getting music sounds cool, too.

This adorable little guy? That's who wrote your paper?