Nobody: 2yo: Invents new sound frequencies to scream

Do you know who you’re talking to buddy? I’m the world’s preeminent artist of AIM Buddy Icons and Winamp skins.

You’re definitely using “the least you could do” wrong. I’m nowhere close to the least I could do.

“you won’t get away with this”

Four generations of my family have served our country. Service is in my blood. The President wouldn’t know anything about that.

seeing an early front runner for worst guy of the year

If nothing, I look to the post-World War II governments of Germany and Japan and have hope that we may one day regain legitimacy by getting our asses kicked for being awful.

(starting a constructive dialogue) Listen dumbass,

Maybe do something about it? You act like you’re powerless. Fucking eh…

How many servings of fruit are in Fruity Pebbles? Doctor: Please have a seat. We need to have a serious talk.

“Don’t knock it until you try it!” I scream, bursting through every door in the neighborhood!

Fuck everyone in power

Debbie Wasserman Schultz called Maduro's capture "welcome news" but criticized Trump for "apparently failing to notify Congress beforehand". This is the neoliberal position in a nutshell: Substantively fine with regime change and imperial power projection, just mad about process.

The Queens ride alongside the Royal Yacht Britannia. 🧐

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

If they don’t care about the sovereignty of free people in Venezuela, what makes you think they care about anybody’s, including yours here? There are no principles.

Trump's chief contribution to American politics is revealing that you don't need a respectable veneer for evil, corrupt behavior. You can rob the bank, say you did it because you like money and you'll do it again, and challenge anyone to stop you

Marco Rubio is reportedly saying Maduro will stand trial in US courts. Which means it’s now the US administration’s position that US courts can hold foreign presidents, but not the US president, accountable for crimes.

every time

I dare you to come and say that shit to my face, your honor

When you endeavor to be in a bad mood, you will succeed. Happy 2025!

2026 will be the year of the guillotine, but don’t lose your head about it.

2026 resolution to hurl around the insult “twat” as necessary.

Goodnight, loon Goodnight, all those waiting for The News to come soon Goodnight, "proof" of life Goodnight, garbage wife Goodnight, weird hand bruises Goodnight, red hat losers Goodnight, nobody Goodnight, cow And goodnight to the internet whispering "let it be now"

I already got out of bed once to pee today. I’m afraid that’s all the strength I have for the day

Sloppy steaks at Truffoni’s

Be Normal .

"its not clear what kind of move I was trying to do" is one of my all time favorite tweets, but as a public service I share this tumblr collection of the entire 26-tweet reply chain it was part of (courtesy of haywire4) www.tumblr.com/haywire4/173...

Not to brag, but I have the bank account of a much younger man.

[Trailer for Funyuns (2024)] Jeremy Strong holds an onion up in front of a board room "Kids don't want to buy this. They see this and they think Grandmas Soup. They hate this shit." he throws the onion hard against the wall "I think it's about time we started having a little fun with it"

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

Rode an elevator in NYC with Jack Nicklaus. Exchanged hellos. Sat across from Matt Millen at the Eastern Iowa airport and heard him bitch about football.

me finally getting recognized for fucking up everyone’s lives constantly

Ohhhh I get it… “Let us prey”. Very clever sneaking it in like that, Catholic Priests.

Joined this godforsaken website and was delighted to see @robdelaney.bsky.social actively posting here. One of my first interactive big time twitter follows that led me to checking out his act at Woodlands Tavern in Columbus, OH in 2012. Feels a little more like home here!

ok so like, I get what genitals are, but what's a singular genital? is it the pair of balls plus shaft or is each ball a discrete unit? do I have two genitals or three, is I guess what I'm asking. call me back. oh, and we took dad off life support last night

Toy Company Executive: Make this toy as cheaply as possible with no functional engineering. Also Toy Company Executive: Make the packaging intricately engineered and so durable it’ll take a chisel and hammer to open so the poors can’t steal it.

I’m sorry you awoke in a panic thinking we were under machine gun fire. That was just me trying to pry open the plastic dome forcefield guarding my cake. Want a piece?

Pronouncing Gen AI like Forrest Gump says Jenny

These tits have never been calm. Nary a pill has chilled me. Not a single horse has ever been held

What’s everyone’s favorite Avatar quote? Mine is: Doug the Head: Avatar! Avi: Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck. I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then warm sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats

Y’all might not appreciate it, but it took him 87 moves and 14 hours to get here

[santa’s reindeer @ a restaurant] hostess: Donner. party of ten. Donner: thanks. there’s just 8 of us now *annnnnd send 🎅🏽*

- Housebroken - Great with kids and adults - Thrice-divorced - Masters in English Literature - Marxist - Loves to cuddle

It doesn’t fix things, but it really does bring me comfort to know how miserable some of the worst people are. Donald Trump tweeting over 200 times on Christmas. Billionaires fighting with strangers online during the holidays. Everything about Elon Musk

*Drinks a whole bunch of water* “Sure hope no presidents die and need their graves pissed on”

AI would be useful if it could put a bunch of Santa hats on stuff. Oh, AI can do that? Well, guess it’s finally good for something.

A traditional unlike any other. #postyourtree