i’d go further and ban the internet

🚨***URGENT***🚨 mcdonalds are doing big mac sauce dips. stop what you’re doing and go to mcdonalds. back in the day they would give you big mac sauce in an ice cream lid if you asked amd it was sooo good for your chips but then they became pricks about it and started saying no more than yes

me pressing the button on all the empty seats around me

2 hours 15 mins of this will be conversations between the characters carefully repeating what has happened so far and what they are going to do next

eldest decided today is a good day to make the packet of fake snow which was in their Christmas Eve boxes. She’s currently sat in the lounge with youngest playing with it. 5ft away is a garden full of real snow.

'Might I suggest private chat in the turret? You have selected MUTUALLY ASSURED TRAITOR DESTRUCTION'

that seems like a pretty dangerous thing to say

the snowstorm i didn’t believe would produce any meaningful snow seems to be producing quite a meaningful amount of snow already

anyone looking for an experienced policy, advocacy, and comms person, would be a fool not to hire dan. don’t be a fool.

Sadly it is official, my current employment contract finishes at the end of March. It has been a fantastic three years at Migrant Voice. If you, or someone you know, knows of job opportunities for an experienced policy, advocacy and comms person, across multiple sectors, please do let me know.

The charity vid has always been my favourite thing on the internet, nothing else comes close.

feeling very uncomfortable and in pain, had poor sleep, struggling to face the day, and it’s all because of things i voluntarily put into my own body last night (a massive spicy takeaway)

Oh yes, definitely give children a pocket-sized AI-enabled device that can share a live camera feed. No way this could lead to any negative outcome!

logging on

knew it, as soon as all the traitors had been picked but just before they were asked to take the blindfolds off the camera panned across some of them and Fiona had a huge smile on her face.

Have you heard about... Let me just stop you there, I have heard about enough things already

it’s of vital importance that i keep @myname on the deepfake child porn site to stop other people using @myname. obviously they could still use @my_name or @_myname or @mynanne or @mynam3 or some other slight variation but i’m just very particular about them not using @myname so i’ll hold that

It's the 3rd of January 1939, your name is professor James Smith and you are staring at a drawing of a fish. It's not a regular fish. It is a completely impossible fish.

guys you don’t understand, i don’t access my child porn account, i just think it’s better to have a child porn account and you all trust me when i say i don’t look at it than to have someone else have a child porn account with my name which i think would be worse for reasons

they were kinda crunchy

if you know who h**** l**** is then you already know more about h**** l**** than there is any reason or need to ever know. her existence warrants nothing more than ignoring. no good can come from paying attention to or acknowledging or discussing h**** l****. block her for your own good.

this reminds me of frankie boyles bit about the 2008 financial crisis where he’s stood on stage screaming “it was the banks, the banks! They showed us them doing it on the fucking news! Am I the only one who remembers this?!”

elon musk will love this

just treat him like any other demented pensioner “we need greenland” “sure we do, we’ll sort that after dinner, it’s jello for pudding today you’re favourite”

but can it kick it’s operator in the balls?

“you won’t get away with this”

so earlier i was walking the dog on the canal path the canal was frozen so i took a big branch and smashed holes in the ice then i used it as a lever against the bank to lift a huge ice sheet until it cracked and the branch fell and hit me and that’s how as a 42 year old dad of 3 i hurt my knee

ginger and turmeric tea is absolutely top tier

i see they are going with the napster defence

lot of people critical of america but i don’t think they really appreciate how much wealth there is just sitting in the ground in venezuelan and also how easy stealing it like this is. the wealth to ease of stealing ratio is off the charts

if you are talking today about how bad maduro was and were alive, at all, during the run-up to the iraq war you are potentially the dumbest person to ever live

Gladiators appearing on other shows are so inconsistent. Fire on Mastermind - In the leotard Nitro on ANYTHING - In the leotard Legend on Apprentice - NORMAL CLOTHES

trump in the command centre

turning a big dial taht says "War Crimes" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right.

these days you get arrested and thrown in jail just for saying you're the president of venezuela

my prediction is that the people of venezuela will now as part of a free and fair democratic process elect a new leader who will grant licenses to american companies following fair an transparent processes to extract oil at unbelievably good value

time to take a big sip of water and log on for my first day as fifa’s new head of marketing

the news is too wild today, it’s a big nope from me

i never thought i’d say this but i think i’ve lost faith in the fifa peace prize and what i once believed it stood for

i’m old enough to remember when our current government made a whole song and dance about protecting children online so i imagine they’ll be all over this twitter situation any day now

no change to this prediction after tonight

i don’t care for the missions #thetraitors

jeffery epstein would have loved grok

upgrading my assumption to you being a nonce

llms are a reverse alan turing test that identify people too stupid to understand they are talking to a word blender

Jan 1: this is the year of new Me Jan 12: [eating shredded cheese directly from the bag] new years resolutions are a bourgeois construct for disciplining bodies into productive units for capital