‘How do you know each other?’ We went to the same Twitter.

Do you pronounce it ‘blue sky’ or ‘blue-skee’?

I'm getting pregnant tonight

We should be able to text 911

*unrolls yoga mat* *takes nap*

I’d pardon you, babe

Extensive list of resources for those needing help and wanting to help those impacted by the fires. #LAFires #LosAngeles #California #Wildfires laist.com/brief/news/c...

Happy "wrap all the presents and discover that you do have a favourite child" day to all the parents x

Shower sex is over-rated. Fight me.

Everyone knows that Christmas is the celebration of the immaculate conception of Mariah Carey

All I want for Christmas is a look at the naughty list.

can't really get into the Christmas spirit until I see a car with antler attachments on the windows

The average person swallows two wolves per year in their sleep.

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

i see bethamphetamine is trending again so that's heartworming

Diazepam is a beautiful name for a baby.

I’ve been sick all week. Was not sick when I took this last weekend.

might fuck around and become your favourite

Our friend @bets.bsky.social still really needs our help. If you have the means, any amount helps. Or even just resharing would be awesome. 🤍 www.gofundme.com/f/jennyandth...

If I’m gonna jingle your bells, I’m definitely gonna jingle them all the way

I like restaurants that have the good ice and if this makes sense to you we might be soulmates

Calories don't count from now until 2025

Gonna wrap my naked self in a red ribbon and sit under the tree, ‘cause I’m a gift

Sup.

Still full.

I never hold grudges. I caress them tenderly.

you know what’s cool? laughing with your favorite people.

Old enough to know better, too old not to care, but here we are.

I’m old enough to remember when you could buy cigarettes out of a vending machine

left boob gives advice, right boob gives emotional support

renewable energy idea: anger-powered batteries

When I bend my knees it sounds like someone’s walking across fine gravel. It’s fine. I’m fine. 🥴

First date idea: you push me around in the cart at Costco and feed me free samples. Then we make out in the bakery department.

On par with ‘I’m not like other girls’

Your car antlers tell me everything I need to know about you

Some things are better left whatevered.

Dear Santa, All I want is a winning lotto ticket

Buying a cybertruck seems like an awfully expensive way to tell people you're bad at sex.

Choose your fighter Key lime v. Nutella triple Oreo

Age: 46 Height: 5’3.5” Sign: Scorpio Tattoos: I don’t know maybe 15ish? I’m not counting, sorry😬 Piercings: 4 Past time: gym, eating, scrolling Fav food: sushi Fav color: blue Music: yes, please. Movies: anything Kevin smith or Judd apatow or John Hughes Job: photographer Pic of me:

No one gives a better massage than a guy who is trying to get laid

Where are all my loser friends

Being in bed is not enough I want to become my bed

I’m sorry for having this sparkling personality and these glorious tits; I didn’t ask to be born this way.

If we really are heading for a world war can we please please for the love of god not buy up all the toilet paper like you’re eating it

I’m nice, but not fake an orgasm nice

I have a theory that all gingers have huge weiners