matching energy is hot as fuck

she had an antique coffin nail hanging from a chain around her neck, and a wild look in her eye…

find someone that sees you for the fucked up weirdo you really are and loves you anyway

Feed me a live grenade, but sensually.

shall we do naked hugs, but like as friends?

I’m writing a book. So far I’ve gotten the page numbers done.

I might not be athletic, slim, or stylish but at least I forgot where I was going with this.

shout "out" to people who stick around too long at your house

My only viral moment is getting sneezed on by a toddler.

I'm doing one of those unboxing videos but the twist is I'm removing my brain from my skull.

I once slept with a client’s mother so my boss fired me, which really sucked because I loved working at that funeral home.

Brain: Okay let’s do it. Let’s sleep. Anxiety: Hey! Remember that one Monday in August 2019 when a security guard finished patting you down and said “you’re good to go” and you replied “you too.”?

I’m still a badass, I say to myself as I increase the font size on my iPhone to its largest level.

mutual weirdness is hot as fuck

Strategically places mistletoe in every doorway...

Just got kicked in the head by a horse and suddenly a lot of your posts make more sense

Scared away another crush...

might fuck around and become your favourite

*slips into something more comfortable another dimension

Honestly, my best behaviour isn’t much better than my worst.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was screaming into a pillow.

pulls out wallet removes kraft single tucks it into the dancers g-string

Good things come in small packages.. our meds for example.

My onlyfans is just me eating handfuls of shredded cheese out of the bag.

I need magic touch. *a hug

a funny bearded guy could cure me

Not to brag but my posts have been known to cause headaches & nausea

Posts so bad they cause the server's to crash 😒

In an alternate universe my posts go viral & are legendary

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while so you can get excited about going home.

Amazon: Reason for returning item(s)? Me: I was drunk.

giving up people for lent.

you’re weird, can i keep you?

A range of womens jewellery all crafted from the worlds most exceptional chicken nuggets

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

i may not be the reply girl you want, but i’m certainly the reply girl you deserv- actually no, that’s probably not true either

Sports bras. Like a rubik's cube for your tits.